[Monika66]

Dear April,

Hoping you could give me advice on how to approach my friend about her relationship with an African. She has known him for 1.5 years, and has been to Africa twice. On her first trip there she met X, who is a tour guide, the second time she went back to visit X, and then met his parents. All up she spent 6 months in Africa.
I have since found out that X was cheating on her for 3 months, and they plan to get engaged in October this year, and she is trying to arrange for him to move to Australia.
I’m afraid she is going to ruin her life if she goes through with this. She doesn’t know that X cheated on her, and he could have cheated on her many more times too. She is in Australia, and has been here since February, and isn’t seeing him until October.

Furthermore, she is highly intelligent, university qualified, and he doesn’t have anything to offer her. He is a poor tour guide and I feel he is preying on white women- hoping that one of them will help him get out of Africa.

Do I tell her?
If so, how?
I don’t want to lose my friendship with her

Look forward to your advice
Monika

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Over and over I see very intelligent, well educated women flunk love. If what you say about your friend and her boyfriend is true, she is going to go through her own education in relationships! But maybe what you say you know about her boyfriend is not true, or maybe not all of it is true, or maybe it is — you just don’t know for sure.

And that’s why I’d advise you to butt out. It’s [i]her[/i] relationship with [i]her[/i] boyfriend. It’s not really your business, and the information you have is third-hand. That means it’s gossip or rumor. Nothing good comes from spreading gossip, so don’t.

[Ethan Morales]

Here’s the thing: what you’re describing sounds like it comes from a place of concern and that’s good. You care about her, you see red flags, and you don’t want her to get hurt. But at the same time, your information isn’t firsthand. It’s what you “found out,” which might be true, might not, or might be a version of the truth filtered through someone else’s emotions or assumptions. Once you repeat that, you’re stepping into dangerous territory rumor becomes poison fast, even when your intentions are protective.

From my perspective, if you confront her with “I heard your boyfriend cheated,” and it turns out wrong or she just doesn’t want to believe it you instantly become the bad guy. She’ll defend him, pull away from you, and possibly end up isolated with the one person you’re worried about. That’s the irony of these situations: the more you push, the tighter she might cling to him.

What you can do, though, is stay close and grounded. Be the person she can talk to without feeling judged. Ask gentle questions not accusations like, “How are you feeling about things with X? Are you still feeling confident about the move?” It’s not your job to convince her; it’s your job to keep space open so she feels safe enough to come to you if things fall apart. Because if what you believe about him turns out to be true, she’ll need a friend she can trust who didn’t make her feel stupid along the way.

I’ve learned this the hard way: sometimes you can see the train coming, but you can’t stop someone from getting on it. You just have to be there when they’re ready to get off.

If you do decide to tell her, make sure you’ve got proof not rumors, not whispers and present it calmly, without attacking him or her. Facts speak louder than fear. But if you don’t have that proof? Then yeah, I’d say stay out of it. The truth always surfaces, and when it does, she’ll remember who stayed steady through the storm.

[Tara]

Your friend is not in some epic cross-continental love story; she’s in a walking, talking immigration pipeline, and she’s too blinded by the fantasy to see it. You’re watching her march straight into a disaster, and you’re tiptoeing around it because you don’t want to be “the bad guy.” Newsflash: silence makes you a worse friend than honesty ever will.

This man cheated on her for months, and she’s out here planning engagements and visas like she’s rescuing him from a tragic life. He’s not planning a future with her; he’s planning an exit strategy out of his country. You don’t need a psychology degree to see what’s happening. He offers her nothing: no stability, no financial footing, no long-term value. And yet she’s about to gamble her entire life because he sold her a dream with a tour guide smile.

She’s “highly intelligent,” yes, and intelligent people do stupid things when they’re lonely, idealistic, or desperate for a romantic narrative that makes them feel exceptional. She doesn’t see she’s been targeted. You do. And your cowardice is giving him free rein.

Do you tell her? Absolutely. If you don’t, you’re complicit in letting her wreck her own future. And if the friendship is so fragile that she’ll drop you for telling her the truth, then it wasn’t worth much to begin with.

You approach her with calm, direct facts: “I know something you need to know before you make a huge life decision. I’m telling you because I care, not because I want to interfere.”

She might get angry. She might deny it. She might defend him. That’s her emotional problem, not yours. Your job is to be the friend with a backbone, not the cheerleader for her delusion.

[Sally]

I’ve been there, watching a friend fall hard for someone you’re not sure about. It’s scary because you don’t want to sound judgmental or lose the friendship, but you also don’t want to sit back and say nothing.

I’d start small. Don’t go in with big warnings or assumptions about where he’s from or what he wants. Just stick to the facts you actually know. Tell her you heard something that worries you, and you’re not trying to control her life you just care about her too much to stay quiet.

Let her talk. Let her get angry if she needs to. Sometimes people need a minute to catch up to the truth.
But say it gently. If the friendship is real, she’ll hear your heart behind the words.

[Member]

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