[Dlh7805]

My wife recently took a trip to Europe with my sons soccer team. They were gone for 12 days.
When they got back included in the trip photos on Facebook is a photo of my wife sitting on a sofa Leaning
Into the coach and he has his arm around her. The sofa is at a bar and you can see drinks in front of
Them. The sofas appears to be in a quiet dark area of the bar and no one else is around. The picture
Was taken by another mom who went on the trip that my wife roomed with. There is another
Picture same scenario- wife leaning into coach he has his arm around her but with several others
From the trip now sitting around. My wife said it is no big deal, she did nothing wrong and I need
To forget about it. There is another picture on my wife’s phone that she did not print or post
To Facebook. The time stamp is 1:15am, the image is a kind of blurry close up of one of the dads on the trip
With his shirt off. It’s dark and his image is all that can be seen, from his eyes you can tell he is really drunk.
When asked what she was doing at 1am with this guy taking his picture she said she was at the beach with a whole
Group of people, some of whom went swimming. She said this guy was running around in circles acting crazy
And they alll thought it was funny so she took a picture. She said the woman she was rooming with was one of
The people present. These pictures still bug me. Should I accept my wifes explanation and forget about it or
Contact her roommate to verify? I don’t want to come across as unreasonable and jealous. I am friends with
The woman she roomed with. My son is on a travel team so we all know each other quite well. A total of 25 kids
And 25 adults went on this trip.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Clearly, you’re not happy with her behavior or her explanations, so let’s just start there.

I’m not sure how long you’ve been married or if this has been an ongoing problem — or if this is the first time you’ve noticed this type of behavior in your wife — but these things don’t happen in a vacuum. Your wife has made her position clear — this is no big thing, and she doesn’t want to discuss it or harp on it. Now, the ball is in your court. Before you do anything, think about how this happened. Was — or is — your wife unhappy in the marriage. Is there anything you’ve done or haven’t done that might have caused her to look elsewhere for attention?

And if she is cheating — or just acting inappropriately on a trip — this is between the two of you. DO NOT call any third party to “verify” her responses to your questions. This isn’t a court case and it’s not an investigation. It’s a relationship. 😉

It sounds like you want to stay in the marriage and that while this is a challenge, it’s not (yet) a breaking point. So work on making the marriage better — and the place you have to focus on is intimacy. I’m not talking about sex (although that doesn’t hurt!). I’m talking about the honesty and closeness that two people in a relationship have because they’ve opened up and built together.

I hope that that helps. Let me know how things go.

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[Dlh7805]

We’ve been married for 25 years. For the last two years I”ve been sleeping in my 10 year old daughters room while she sleeps in the bed with my wife. We have not had sex in over two years. My wife says she feels like she has been alone for the past ten years. She did say when asked about this , “what do you care. You don’t even like me and that I have not given her any attention in years”. What If I email the friend the following message, ” the attached picture appears to be pushing the boundaries of the parent /coach relationship, but I don’t want to make a big deal out of nothing- what do you think? ” As a side note, my wife had an affair 18 years ago.

Also, thanks for the response. I think your advice is uncannily accurate given the limited information I provided!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

No, no, no — do NOT include third parties in a marital issue. The marriage is between you and your wife and you should absolutely not include anyone else in it. 😮 Do not send an e-mail to anyone else — or a photo — or have a conversation with them. The only person you should be discussing this with is your wife.

Your second post clearly shows that what happened with your wife didn’t happen in a vacuum. 😉 It’s very easy for you to blame her, or a third party — and to get others involved to justify yourself and try to make yourself feel better — but that’s not going to get you anywhere productive. So, take a breath and figure out what it is you want here. 😉

The problem isn’t your wife’s behavior on the Europe trip. That’s the [i]symptom[/i]. The problem is your marriage. 😉 In fact, the Europe trip behavior is an easy target — to mislead yourself with. Here’s the reality that you probably don’t want to deal with because it’s going to take hard work and brutal candor: If you and your wife haven’t had sex in two years, you have a problem in your marriage. And since you and your wife don’t sleep in the same bedroom any more, you have a problem in your marriage. And because your wife is sleeping with your daughter instead of you, you have a problem in [i]your family[/i] that is now affecting your child. Believe me, your 10 year old knows what’s going on and that this is not normal. And if your wife is telling you she’s felt alone for the last ten years, you have a big problem in your marriage. Your job is to roll up your sleeves and take care of your marriage and your family.

Here’s the tough part: You have to change your behavior. Not her. You can’t control her — but you can control you and you my guess is that you’ve stopped being the same guy who won her over when you proposed marriage to her many years ago. Time to get back to that man, and to win her over again. 😉

And in the meantime, don’t even consider bringing outsiders into this. You will create a mess instead of saving your marriage.

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[Dlh7805]

Ok, thanks for the response. Further background and one last thought. We have four kids. Oldest is 18 youngest is 10. If it wasn’t for the kids I think we would have been divorced long ago. I understand that I need to change to make things better, I just hesitate to make that investment if she is out running around and then lying to me about it. Worst case scenario for me is that we work it out and five years from now it comes out that she was running around and I leave her ( I’ve been through this with her once before and if it happens again, I’m out). That’s why I need to check her story out. But I also see your point about how that could backfire, even if she did in fact do nothing wrong, in which case it becomes a leap of faith go with your gut type of decision. I may wait it out and try to direct conversations at upcoming soccer practices to see if anybody says something to me about it without my directly inquiring a out it. I say something like, “thanks for posting all the pictures, looks like you guys had a lot of fun”. To which the reply might be, “we’ll some more than others”. What do you mean- well your wife and the coach were really having a lot of fun—what kind of fun, etc., etc. I would appreciate your view on this strategy. I am a financial fraud investigator so I guess it’s just in my nature to want to get to the truth before I invest in a marriage improvement program. On the other hand I once read that the greatest thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. Maybe I should just focus on that, take a leap of faith and hope for the best.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You talk about not wanting to invest in changing your behavior 😯 but you’ve already invested in a marriage and four children. You have a responsibility to invest in your family. You may be a financial fraud investigator at the office — but your marriage and your family are not your office. They’re your wife and children. Don’t treat them as if they’re business — they’re much more than that, and you’re losing them by not stepping up to the plate. 😳 This is not financial fraud. It’s a wife who’s looking for attention outside of her marriage because she and her husband have grown apart — and his reaction to her cries for affection are to investigate. You’re making it worse. 😳

Your idea of the worst case scenario here is far from what could actually happen. 😳 What could be worse than[i] your[/i] worst case scenario is that you’re damaging your children having them grow up in a home with underlying currents of venom, mistrust, and mom sleeping with the daughter. 😯 Here’s another one — your wife eventually leaves you and your four children end up being raised by a series of her boyfriends and/or step-fathers. Or your children learn how you and their mother are complicit in her affairs. 😮 Or how about this one: by your gossiping with third parties, your children start to hear the gossip and are emotionally damaged and start acting out — sexually, behaviorally, academically failing, and other derivative behaviors. Or a family court judge in your divorce gets wind of your gossiping and decides you’re alienating the kids against their mother and awards her sole custody. Sorry for the dark view here — but you haven’t begun to tap in to how bad this could actually get. If you did, you’d quickly want to change your own behavior — and weather that investment. 😉

Take a breath, and decide to invest in your family. Don’t investigate — open your heart, instead. 😉 This isn’t a woman you’re dating. It’s your wife and the mother of your children, and she’s hurting and she doesn’t know how to get what she needs from you, so she’s lashing out. Be the one who breaks the pattern.

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[Dlh7805]

Thanks April. I’m not sure how long these threads stay open, but I’d like to post from time to time as I try to get my marriage back on track. I could use some help along the way. I really don’t have anyone i feel comfortable discussing these matters with,

[April Masini, your AskApril]

These threads should be up permanently — and anonymously. Good luck — and I’m here if you need me. 😀

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