[Sleeplessinsauga]

Hi April,

I’ve been in a LDR for just over a year now. (I’m 35f in Canada, he’s 34 in US). Even with the distance and him being a social guy, I’ve never been worried or insecure that he might be cheating, because I trusted him and he has a great deal of integrity and shares the same moral standards I do. He was no virgin when I met him by any stretch, but always said one night stands weren’t his thing, and he didn’t sleep with just anyone.

Just yesterday, the topic of friends with benefits came up and I asked if he’d ever have one. I was shocked when he said yes, for a period of time, he did. Both he and this girl agreed they didn’t want to be in a relationship, and it ended when she moved away. I do appreciate his honesty, and realize this was in his past, but I can’t help but be grossed out by this. I feel like an uptight prude and like I’m judging him unfairly.

He said not to create issues that aren’t there or overthink. I know it was before my time, but it would be different if she was an ex. This was just some girl he knew and they used each other as human scratching posts. Do you think I should just let it go? Thanks April

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you’ve got to keep your eye on the ball. If you’re looking for this to turn into marriage, then have a timeline for yourself. If you’re looking for it to turn into a monogamous, live in relationship, then have a timeline, as well! The challenge of long distance relationships is that timeline. Since you’re both in your 30s and you’re in different countries, what’s the plan, in your mind? His? Is it compatible?

That said, with long distance relationships, you absolutely have to give people a lot more leeway than if you were in town. His having a friend with benefits or a one night stand may be a don’t ask, don’t tell situation. I don’t know how often you see each other, but that frequency, coupled with your time line will help you decide what you’re willing to let go and not let go. Frankly, I think he’s got the right idea to make these relationships work. But… that doesn’t mean your feelings of jealousy aren’t valid. It’s good that he’s honest with you, and that you’re processing this information. But I think that unless there’s marriage or a serious commitment on the horizon, that you’re both invested in, these indiscretions have to be overlooked while you’re in two different countries.

I hope that helps.

[Sleeplessinsauga]

Thank you April. I appreciate your thoughful advice. His FWB situation was before I even knew him, so I know I should cut him some slack.

New turn of events – my ex bf has recently gotten back in touch and suggested getting together for a drink to catch up. I have no residual feelings and neither does he, but I can see it easily turning into something purely physical, for old times sake and bc he’s comfortable. It has been awhile! For that reason, I’ve declined as I feel it would be disloyal, and I feel like it would hurt the chances of what this could potentially become with the current guy.

To answer your question, I don’t have a time line or know what I hope or expect from this. I think he feels the same way. Maybe that’s foolish. We’re both just enjoying it and seeing where this can go. I know I resisted from the start because I didn’t see a point and my logical self told me this wouldn’t work bc of the distance, but the heart has a mind of its own, and when good things come into your life, you should just embrace them for as long as it lasts. My ex lives down the street and it didn’t work out, so when you find a connection with someone, even in a different country, shouldn’t you just take that chance? There are no guarantees in life, right?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

There are no guarantees — but you can hedge against heartbreak by dating smart. 😉

[Sally]

It’s not about the sex. It’s about how it clashes with the version of him you had in your head. That’s a real feeling, and it doesn’t make you uptight or stupid.
Here’s the honest part though. A friends-with-benefits thing in his past doesn’t actually tell you anything bad about who he is with you now. It didn’t replace a relationship. It didn’t overlap with you. It ended cleanly. That matters.

What you’re reacting to is discomfort, not danger. And those two feel similar at first.
If everything else about him lines up with your values, I wouldn’t let this one detail rot something good. You don’t have to like it. You just don’t have to punish him for it either.
Sometimes loving an adult means accepting they lived a life before you.

[Tara]

You’re not upset because he did something wrong, you’re upset because reality punctured the fantasy version of him you built to feel safe in a long-distance relationship. Friends with benefits isn’t a moral failure, it’s a normal adult behavior, and the fact that it happened before you existed in his life makes your disgust a you-problem, not a him-problem.

You’re trying to reframe his past to fit your comfort instead of deciding whether you can actually accept a grown man who lived a full, sexually autonomous life before you. Either you drop this immediately and stop policing history you don’t own, or you admit you want a different kind of man and end it cleanly.
What you don’t get to do is quietly resent him for being honest while pretending this is about values instead of control and insecurity. Decide, accept, or walk, but stop manufacturing issues to soothe your discomfort.

[Member]

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