[texas1992]

I am in a long distance relationship with an incredible woman. We have been in this relationship for 5 months. We have not met face to face yet but are planning to soon. She has told me that she does not want to lose me so she avoids my calls sometimes just to keep me working hard in the relationship. She has read the book by Dr Phil McGraw “Love Smart” and in that book it tells her that she should not make herself too available.

When we talk on the phone we usually talk anywhere from 5 hours to over 8 hours and there is never any down time in the conversation. We get along great and there is lots of talk about the future…our future.

With all that I have read, and believe me I have read a lot, I seem to be taking on the female role in that I want more. I want to talk about the relationship more than she does. This is a little strange but that is not the problem.

Here is the problem: I want to take the relationship farther. I want to talk more frequently but spend less time during each call. She had me read a book by Gary Chapman “The 5 Love Languages” and I am definitely a “words of affirmation” person but she won’t speak those words to me. She says that it takes time to build up to that phase.

I am really trying to understand her and be patient with her. She has really bad PMS actually PMDD which plays havoc with her hormones. I really need advice on what to do here. Any help will be appreciated. I don’t want the relationship to end I just need some advice on how to get her to put a little more into it.

I know that everyone is going to tell me there are red flags all over the place. I understand it but I really like her and think she is worth me putting in some real effort. I just don’t know what that effort should be without driving her crazy or driving her away.
Thanks.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Well, it’s your lucky day because I’m not going to tell you that there are red flags. 😀 That said, you have to do a little behavior modification on yourself.

It sounds like you want more calls for fewer minutes per call and more talk about the relationship. To achieve this goal, simply get off the phone! 😯 Five to eight hours per call is not normal and impossible to sustain in the long run of a normal relationship. Start weaning down now. Don’t give an explanation for what you’re doing. Just be busy or have an appointment you have to make which forces you to cut the call short! That takes care of your first problem.

Secondly, talking about a relationship before you’ve even met 😯 is premature. You can talk about the relationship after you’ve actually started dating for a few months. So adjust your needs to make the relationship work better.

As for wanting her to say “words of affirmation” (not sure what that is), it’s unfair for you to expect her to say things just because you want them — especially since you haven’t dated yet. So let go of this request for now. (Relationships take compromise.)

Overall, it sounds like you’re jumping the gun, and talking about a future together before you’ve even had a date! 😳 Slow down and get to know her before you commit to anything other than a first or second date.

I hope that helps! Follow me @AskAprilcom (no dot) on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[texas1992]

That helps a lot. Thank you. I knew that I am the problem but didn’t know what to do about it. Are there any good books that I can read that will help me to understand her better? I want to fix me so that I don’t drive her away. I will put your advice into effect immediately.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m glad I was able to help! 😀 And yes, the book I’d recommend you read is called Date Out of Your League. You can buy it here: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url].

Let me know how things go — and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url].

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