[ssk]

Alright, so my my bf (or soon to be ex…idk) had to move to another state for a job three months into our relationship. We decided to do a long distance relationship. He has flown me out twice to visit him and he has been here once to visit and for a wedding. However, the last time I visited (3-4 weeks ago), he still loved me. After I left and moved to a new city to start my own career, he slowly stopped contirbuting to the conversations. He would call every morning and every evening to say “good morning” “good night” and “I love you”. But there was really no “meat” to the conversations.

When he had first moved away he asked me to move to be with him. Later, when I mentioned I might move to another state as well, he told me “I guess I’ll move there in a year, if I have to.” Alright, so the pressure is on.

Back to the present story. I confronted him one night on Skype and I asked him what the “end game” was. Again, he was always the one wanting to move and be closer. He told me he didn’t know and didn’t want to talk about it. This was very concerning for me. So, I let it sit for about four days. I eventually told him that what he said concerned me and scared me. I asked him what was going on and why he didn’t want to talk about an “end game” any more. He told me that he felt pressured when talking about the future. This completely threw me for a loop and I pointed out that he was the one who initiated this type of conversation and I didn’t understand why I was the one being blamed for the pressure. I asked him if he wanted to take a break. He told me “no.” As the conversation went on, I told him it sounded like he didn’t know what he wanted. He agreed. I asked him if he was still in love with me. “I don’t know” is what he said. I asked him what he wanted and again, “I don’t know.” I told him I didn’t understand how his feelings could change so quickly over the course of three weeks and he said “I don’t know.”

I eventually told him that I was going to hangup because I was so mad with him. And I did. I hung up. And here I am, 48 hours later, still not understanding why he isn’t sure if he loves me any more. Still wondering why he would call me for a month and continue to tell me that he loved me. Here I am. Confused. Hurt and frustrated.

Oh! And now he is back in town for the holidays and I was previously (before the argument) invited to Thanksgiving dinner with his family. He hasn’t text, called or reached out. I want to be with him, but I don’t think he wants to be with me anymore. And I am wondering, if there is anything that I can do that will bring him back to me. Is there any hope? Help me save it.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both, and how long have you been together?

[ssk]

I am 27 and he is 29. Sadly, only 7 months. Like I said, he moved things along pretty fast and I went with it.

[ssk]

Also, I forgot to mention. He recently divorced last year.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for the extra information. The timeline here is important since you said he only divorced a year ago, and you’ve been dating seven months. I don’t know how long his marriage lasted, but it takes a while for many people to process the end of the marriage, the divorce and what they want to do next. I don’t know if that’s him or not, because I don’t know enough about him, but it could be!

Knowing that you’ve only been dating seven months, and he’s newly divorced, it’s a mistake to press him for his “end game”. First of all, men hate having “the talk” about the relationship. Second of all, if you have to ask, what you really want to do is complain, and this isn’t lost on him. And third, you already know the status of the relationship because it’s been seven months, the last three long distance, and it sounds like things are chilling a little. You may not like it, but you recognize it. I think what may help you more is to not feel like you’re a victim. 😉 There are a couple of suggestions I can make, for instance, if you want more of him, and more from the relationship, instead of creating quasi ultimatums, try to entice and seduce him into wanting you more. It’s change of dynamic and a change of mindset for you, that will probably work. 🙂 In addition, take stock of the relationship and what you want for yourself in life. If he’s newly divorced, and you’re now long distance, you would be wise to consider that he may not be ready for a commitment on the same time frame you’re on. Keep yourself busy. Play the field if you think the long-distance status has changed things, or created a set back.

I hope that helps!

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[ssk]

Should I contact him or should he be the one contacting me?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He should be contacting you — for several reasons. First, you get to see how interested in you by the rate of contact and the quality of contact. Second, when he does contact you, it gives you an opportunity to be alluring and give him something to chase. 😎 And lastly, by leaving the ball in his court, you get to get out there and live your life without waiting by the phone, so to speak.

Hope that helps!

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
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And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

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