[nici1980]

I think my partner is lying to me he hides things and is sneaky. I have just found out that he set up a secret social media account and has befriended a woman he knows I have a problem with. I cannot talk to him about it as he is currently locked away in our bedroom suffering a bout of depression. I feel like I am losing my mind and don’t know if I am being paranoid or not

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both? And how long have you been dating? Living together?

Also, who is this other woman and why do you have a problem with her?

[nici1980]

Iam 35 my partner is 44…we’ve been living together for only 9 months and going out for 3 years..this other woman is only a passenger that passes through our work but he chats to her a lot and commented on her social media that he had missed seeing her. He also had a secret Twitter account following numerous pornstars. When he spoke to his counsellor about it she said maybe social media wasn’t for him and it was slightly inappropriate. Now the new secret account..I get he needs his own space and privacy and he’s prob not doing anything but it’s the sneakyness behind it

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it. It sounds like it’s not her you have the problem with — it’s him. 😕 He’s interested in having relationships with other women, and you don’t like it. So, he keeps social media accounts where he communicates with these women, secret from you in order to avoid your disappointment and upset, and when you find out about them, you feel angry because he knows you don’t like this situation and he’s hiding it from you. He gets depressed because he’s upset you, and locks himself in his room to avoid your feelings and any conflict. That doesn’t excuse his behavior, but it explains it. If you want to stay with him, then you have to break this cycle. Try to look at the problem so that neither one of you is wrong — and see if you can find some new relief. For instance…. figure out what it is he’s getting from these other relationships he has with the woman at work, or the porn stars on the internet. Maybe he needs to feel attractive or think that he’s sexy — and maybe he’s not getting that in the relationship he has with you. If there’s a way you can work on the relationship you have with him, so that he doesn’t want to go outside the relationship, then he won’t. I know this is a new way to think about this, but it might work. Don’t back him into a corner, and instead, see if the two of you can make things work within the relationship so he doesn’t want to leave it. Let me know if that helps! 🙂

[Sally]

You’re not crazy for feeling unsettled. A secret account and hiding contact with someone he knows hurts you? That would make anyone spiral a bit. Depression explains why someone pulls away, but it doesn’t erase the impact of sneaky behavior. Both things can be true at the same time.

Right now, you don’t need to solve everything today. If he’s shut down, pushing the talk will probably just blow up or go nowhere. But that doesn’t mean you ignore what you found either.

Try to ground yourself first. Breathe. Write down what you actually know versus what you’re assuming. When he’s more stable, you deserve a calm, honest conversation. If you keep swallowing this, it’ll eat you alive. Trust your gut, but give yourself time before acting.

[Tara]

You’re not paranoid, you’re finally paying attention. Honest people don’t create secret accounts, don’t hide connections they know cross boundaries, and don’t act sneaky while asking for emotional immunity because they’re “depressed.” Depression does not magically excuse deception; it just makes it harder for you to confront it.

Right now, he’s locked himself away, and you’re the one spiraling, which tells you exactly how upside-down this dynamic has become. You don’t need more proof, more reassurance, or more self-gaslighting you already have enough information to know something is wrong.

Stop questioning your sanity to protect his comfort. His mental health is his responsibility; your reality and self-respect are yours. You don’t resolve this by tiptoeing or waiting for the perfect moment; you resolve it by deciding whether you’re willing to stay with someone who hides, lies by omission, and leaves you doubting your own perception. And if you stay silent to keep the peace, understand this clearly: the cost will be your trust, your stability, and eventually your dignity.

[Member]

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