[Anonymous]

Marriage Being Ruined by His Kid!
My husband and I are celebrating our 3 year anniversary on 7/27/2010
We dated for a year before we decided to tie the knot. I knew comming into the marriage that he had a grown son living with him and a daughter who lived with her mother whom he rarely saw.As well as he knew I had a minor child who would soon be comming to live with us . During the year we were dating I only saw her(his daughter) one or 2 times. My husband was never really apart of her life due to whatever reasons. Sot he happy story begins we were struggling financially big time but we were happy together.. I came up with an idea that would help us financially.With my advertising skill and his trade skill we started to make lots of monet and start being able to affrord a nice life for ourselves. Now the troble begins.. My husband starts getting late night phone calls from the Ex trying to walk down memory lane.He resistes..The daughter ( over 21 years old) starts comming around more and everytime needing money and still hasnt stopped to this date. I have even had her verbally call me a whore in our home. My husabnd cant or refuses to see that she is useing him like a doormat playing the Daddy wasnt there guilt game on him and its costing me my happiness.This girls is in her 20’s and has been nothing but a thorne in my side. I resent the fact that she has disrespected me in my home and the fact that she thinks that from OUR idea and hard work she is going to cash in! Im no where in the forgiveness stage with her. Just knowing she has called our phone enrages me. I want this little game playing brat out of my life and I would love for my husband to be able to see the devil for what she is. I have even had my husband own mother tell me how his own 2 kids have tricked and had no respect for him their whole lives. I REFUSE to let them EVEN TRY to play that game with me! Since all this has happened my eyes look at my husband a different way now. I feel hurt and betrayed by him that he would let a person he hardly knows so be it his “daughter” put a strain on our relationship and steady let her milk him for our hard earned money .. I feel like his daughter just wants to ride the gravey train!

[Anonymous]

SORRY FOR ALL MY TYPOS I WAS SO MAD WHEN I WROTE THIS..

[Ask April Masini]

This is a tough situation, as are many in blended families, but one you can overcome with a lot of communication with your husband. Understand that this problem starts with you and your husband. The solution is mutually agreed upon boundaries. When I say mutually agreed upon, I don’t mean that he has to like every boundary you two agree on and neither do you, but as a couple you have to agree on where the line is in various situations — and step children is a very normal place to have some lines. That this is happening at the one year mark in your marriage is normal — these problems don’t rear their heads right away, and if they do, it’s easy to overlook them prior.

It will help you to talk to your husband without anger or venom in your voice. This is his daughter, and no matter how bad her behavior, he has a relationship with her that is important. So understand their relationship and approach this problem calmly. If he knows how badly she’s treated you, then there should be boundaries on her visits to your home. The extreme case (and this is not wrong to start with) is no visits to your home until there is better behavior. The middle ground is visits at restaurants, parks or neutral areas. The other extreme is to let her have carte blanche to come and go as she pleases in your house. I like the middle to start.

Another place to establish a boundary is finances. All gifts, loans and provisions to the children — adult or minor — should be discussed prior to making them and agreed upon before making them. This includes to your minor child and his adult children. If you have this agreement, you won’t feel victimized or out of control of your life.

Next, do your best to use only good behavior with his daughter. If she rages, you show her civility. She needs to see that you are not the enemy. If you give her nothing to prove that you’re the enemy, she’s going to focus on her father and not on you — and frankly, that is where your problem begins and will end. 😉

If your husband isn’t willing to work with you, you’re going to have more of the same, and I agree with you that this isn’t a good situation for you or your child. Second marriages and blended families have a much higher divorce rate than first time families — and I think you can see why. That said, you need to do YOUR work to give this marriage and family a great shot to make it work.

I hope this helps. Let me know how it goes — and join me on Facebook. I’d love to have you as a member at AskApril.com on Facebook. Here’s the link: [url][/url]. 🙂

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