[dmills114]

Hello.

I have recently been reading a lot of articles about women who have considered green card marriages because they are getting up in years and didn’t want to be alone, and every comment says, “don’t do it, you’ll find love”. All of them were in their 30’s going on 40. I am 22, but I don’t want to be an old mother and wife. I want to be married and start having kids in the next five years. I’m worried about actually being able to fall in love, as I’ve been jaded so many times by guys who said they loved me, only to use me for sex, to make someone jealous, or to laugh and say, “I lied”. I am strongly considering marrying someone who is not a citizen, to be in a more mutually beneficial relationship than a necessarily loving one. Is this really such a bad idea? Having kids is the most important thing to me, but I cannot currently afford artificial insemination or adoption, and I do not want to wait. I have a friend who so badly wanted kids, and waited even as she turned 35. The next thing I know, she met a guy and married him 3 months later, but because her husband didn’t want kids, she gave up on that dream. So maybe a guy wants to live in the US and I want kids and a husband who, although maybe it doesn’t start as love, is a good provider and friend for me, and also wants kids. Is that so wrong? What do you think?

[Clara]

There are lots of reasons that people marry. Some people marry simply because they both want children and decide to marry in order to have them. However, the purpose of a green card marriage isn’t supposed to be a business arrangement as much as it is supposed to be a way for couples who fall in love to marry and live in America. You may find yourself in legal trouble if you broker a deal to marry a man by offering him a way to be in America legal, in exchange for his having children with you. So, I don’t think trying to leverage a green card marriage in exchange for kids is your best bet.

In addition, you have to look at the situation from the guy’s point of view…. in other words, what is he getting out of it? I assume you want him to support you and the child or children, financially. And you’ve offered friendship, and probably sex, at least at first — but what happens if you don’t feel like having sex? Or if he grows tired of the arrangement and wants you to get a job, and put the kids in daycare so you can contribute to the household finances? Or if he divorces you and re-marries and your kids have a step-mother in addition to you…. I don’t mean to be a downer, but I think you have to really think long and hard about what you want — because having kids is a big deal.

It sounds like you’re trying to avoid rejection by creating a deal where you offer yourself as a bride in exchange for a man who wants to have kids with you and support you and the kids. On the surface, it may be feasible, but if you’re someone who at age 22 is already trying to avoid feelings like rejection by creating a family like this, you’re in for a bumpy ride. Marriages — even arranged ones, can have heart ache and problems. And having children creates all types of issues — for instance, you may marry someone and find out that the two of you can’t have kids, or you may have a child who has some issues — creating a family sounds great if you watch enough movies, but in real life, it’s not so easy. 😉

I hope that helps.

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