[PhillyGuy35]

April,

I am a 35 year old married male. We have 2 kids – a boy who is 5 and a girl who is 16 months. We have a good marriage. It is not perfect but it is good. But there is something still missing. It lacks the passion and romance that I want in a relationship/marriage.

So here’s my problem. I met a girl at synagogue who just does it for me in every way. She sits in front of me and I feel sparks fly every time I’m there and she’s there. She loves my little girl and loves playing with her. But it’s the eye contact she makes with me, the smiling she does at me that just makes my heart skip a beat. She is exactly the girl I have always dreamed about. I am very very attracted to her. She is perfectly adorable, inside and out. She is a total sweetheart. We hadn’t really talked much until just a few weeks ago. We talked briefly in synagogue and I felt the chemistry. Every time I say something funny, she laughs – even if I just whisper it to my son. It’s like she secretly pays me attention and thinks I’m funny. She smiles a lot and I cannot be wrong about the signs she’s sending me.

Then, we actually walked out together one day. We had a nice conversation and it was perfect. I know I felt sparks flying not just from my side but from her as well. She was very interested in finding out about me and I was definitely interested in finding out about her. We left and said goodbye. Unfortunately, the next time I will see her will be next September in synagogue unless I should bump into her on the street. I could not give her my phone number or ask her to stay in contact over the year because I’m married.

So I found her on facebook. She has a boyfriend. So we’re both involved in relationships. I’m not looking to have an affair or break up my marriage and I’m also not trying to come in between her and her boyfriend. But she has got a hold on me that I’m unable to break. All I want to do is let her know how I feel about her. I just want her to know that I think she is adorable and sweet and that I’m very jealous of her boyfriend. I feel like she could be the girl of my dreams. But I’m married. How do I find the girl of my dreams and do nothing? Most people never find the girl of their dreams. I might have found mine and I just want to tell her. I just want her to know. And I want to know if she felt the sparks flying like I felt.

So what do I do? I want to contact her and tell her exactly how I feel. But I want her to know the truth. I want her to know I’m married and that I can’t leave my wife for her. But I want her to know how I feel. Holding this inside is killing me. Not knowing how she feels is killing me. I think about her all day long. I can’t keep holding this inside. But I’m worried that if I try to tell her, it’s going to end up bad for me and for her. I want to go as far up to the line without crossing it.

So the only way I can contact her is to message her on facebook. But I’m worried her boyfriend might see the message. So I’m thinking of possibly messaging her sister (who I’ve never met before) just to try to go about this without the risk of her boyfriend finding out. I know I’m playing with fire but when you meet the girl of your dreams, fire doesn’t burn. You’re too in love to pay attention to the burn. She’s amazing and I think she might think I am as well. How do I tell her and how do I find out how she feels? Or do I let this opportunity pass me by and never tell her and never find out how she feels? I wish this passion existed in my marriage but it doesn’t. I’m a romantic guy at heart and there’s no romance in my marriage. But I can see the romance existing between me and her. And even though my marriage lacks romance, it’s still what I would consider good. Just not perfect. There are flaws. But my family means everything to me and even if she says she’s in love with me, I could never be with this girl as long as I’m married. And I would never leave my wife for another woman. But I’m still in love with this other woman. And it’s killing me to keep it inside.

So please help. What do I do? I’m so torn in this decision. Do I tell her? Do I not? If I do, how do I do it?

Thanks,
Philly Guy

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re stirring up drama because you’re bored in your marriage. 😳 Take all that energy and redirect it, homeward. You have a lot at stake here, and it would be a shame to throw it away on someone you don’t know, because you’re bored. People flirt, and that’s normal. This other woman may be flirting with you, because you’re married with children, and safe. If you make an advance towards her, it may kill the mood entirely for her. In other words, she may not be interested in taking up with a married man, beyond flirting. You also run the risk of your wife finding out and leaving you. And while the two of you may have some differences between you, this isn’t just about the two of you. Or even the two of you and this other woman. It’s got to be about your kids, first and foremost. If you told me there was physical abuse, addiction, crime — or some other potential deal breaker, I’d give you different advice, but you’ve got two kids, ages 5 and 16 months, who need both their parents to get it together as a couple, so they can hold together the family. You may need help — but the help has to do with reigniting the energy you and your wife have between you. So, start there. 😉

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[PhillyGuy35]

Thanks April. I think that was the answer I wanted to hear.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Glad to help. 🙂

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