[westcoastgirl]

A year ago I met an amazing man. He had been briefly seeing someone but we went out as friends a couple times. He continued in his relationship for approximately 6 months then in February 2014, they stopped seeing each other. I saw this man on a regular basis throughout all this time at a gym we both frequent. 3 months after his split we started spending time together again. He took me out for dinner and movies and we both enjoyed our time together. Since mid July we are together at least 3 times a week, however his father passed away at the end of July and as he lives in a basement suite in his mothers home, he spends a lot of time helping his mom which I admire. He holds my hand when we are out in public and at the movies. He takes me out every weekend and during the week we usually just spend time at his place. We have a wonderful connection and enjoy many similar things. We laugh all the time which is a big plus for me. Sounds great but my dilemma is this – although his mom is usually home, I have yet to meet her, he never takes me out when he does group things with his friends such as parties and dinners, and although he knows my sister and parents, he never comes to my home (I still live at my parents) or attends my families functions or dinners. I understand he has been through a lot since the death of his father and I know he is capable of a long term relationship as he has had several. I have had one long term relationship and a couple short term so am unsure of the dating rituals. I feel like he is keeping me hidden, however his actions when we are out show me otherwise. I should add that he is 29 and I am 21, however he tells me he is not ashamed of being seen with a younger woman. I get asked out for dates on a regular basis, but always say I am seeing someone. He tells me he is not dating anyone else. Should I be giving him more time to come to terms with what it is he wants? I’m a little worried that come New Years, I will be going out with my friends and he will be going out with his.

[AskApril Masini]

He’s almost 30 years old, and he’s living in his mother’s basement? 😯

Don’t be mystified. He’s not someone who’s ready for a real relationship. Most men want to have their own lives, and at his age, they usually do. Even if they have an apartment with roommates, they’ve weaned away from their parents. That he hasn’t indicates that he’s not ready for something serious — whether it’s a living situation or a relationship.

The other yellow flag here is that he hasn’t introduced you to his friends. If and when he does, it means he’s proud of you and wants to show you off. This is what guys do when they’re serious about someone they’re dating. Take the hint that he’s not and don’t get too invested. That said, it’s still early in the relationship, and he may well feel he does want to introduce you down the line, but he’s not that into you right now.

As for meeting parents, the three month mark of dating is pretty early for anyone to want to introduce someone to parents. However, since he lives with his mother, and I presume you’ve been in her home to visit with him, it’s a little unusual that he hasn’t. But that’s not the real elephant in the room — the fact that he lives with his mom, in her basement, is.

My advice is that you play the field. Enjoy your life. Don’t become too emotionally invested with someone who is showing you signs that he’s not ready for a serious relationship with anyone, given where he lives.

I hope that helps!

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[westcoastgirl]

Thank you it does help me to put things in a proper perspective. When I mentioned about him living in his mom’s basement, I should have clarified that he was a world level athlete and had been travelling extensively training and competing for the 2012 Olympics. He retired from his sport in the summer of 2013 and has been working endlessly to promote a new company he started in the fall of 2013. He is currently looking to buy his own home. I don’t want to make excuses for him as I know its unusual at his age. I will look at it as we are having a lot of fun together and will try my best to not become too attached. It does bother me that he won’t include me in functions with his group of friends, but I am not sure what kind of time limit I should give this? Would six months be a good indication is things don’t change? Thanks again.

[AskApril Masini]

The six month mark is when I recommend you decide whether or not to be monogamous, so that would be a fine time for you to decide whether or not to move on. You’ll have gotten to know him pretty well by then! 😉

I hope that helps.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[westcoastgirl]

Hi April,
I want to thank you for your previous advise, however I became more invested in my relationship than you suggested. I wanted to send an update and to see if I really screwed up. At Christmas time, my relationship seemed to grow and advance to a new level. My boyfriend introduced me to his sister and I have met some of his friends. He spoiled me at Christmas and then New Years we spent a wonderful evening together. He was away on holidays in January at which time he contacted me every day and told me how much he missed me. Then in February I was away for a week, when again he contacted me everyday to say how much he missed me. I came home the day before Valentines and although he told me he hated Valentines day he arrived at my work with 18 long stem roses. We spend 4 or 5 days a week together and had been talking about purchasing a house together at the beginning of next year. My dilemma is this. The past two weeks, he has been quite distant. When I am at his house, he is either on his computer or his phone and does not cuddle with me. This past weekend I broke down and told him it was as if he had all of a sudden lost interest in me. He assured me I was being silly and that running a business takes time and he had gotten so busy, he needed to do things in the evenings. I of course felt like an idiot for breaking down. Since this has happened, although I do see him, I feel that things are not the same. Did I ruin what could have been a really great thing and how can I repair this? I have always given him his space, but I think he was really bothered by my lack of confidence in this issue.

[AskApril Masini]

If you’re interested in a man for the long run, the relationship you have with him has to be able to endure arguments, disagreements, and occasional shows of insecurity. In other words, you’re both human, and if there’s a lack of tolerance for your mutual humanity, the relationship is going to have problems because of that rigidity, not because you broke down and acted insecure now and then. Long answer short: I don’t think that what you did was fatal to the relationship — or at least it shouldn’t be, and if it was, it was simply the catalyst for a problem, not the problem itself.

For future, if you’re upset that he’s distant or not spending enough time with you, rather than take the attitude that you’re owed time, consider taking a different approach, where you entice him to want to spend time with you. 😉

I hope that helps.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[westcoastgirl]

It has been almost a month since your last advice to me. I did not think my breakdown could have ruined a relationship so feel there must be more to what is going on. I have tried giving my boyfriend space since his distancing, but the time we spend together is becoming less and less. He has gone from texting me every day after work and asking me to come over or to go out, to hardly contacting me at all. I saw him twice last week and when we are together we had a really good time together, however he is spending more and more time making plans without me. I realize that he is probably looking to move on from our relationship, and could very well have met someone else. I am having anxiety issues and just want him to be honest with me. As we have been together for 10 or 11 months, I have been told that this is a new relationship stage and he just needs to sort out what he wants, but I question whether I am just being hopeful. He is busy most of this weekend and although he told me he would call me later today, I am pretty sure I won’t hear from him. He leaves for a business trip to California on Wednesday and although I would love to see him before he goes, I am not sure if I should contact him at all or just wait to hear from him? This is very difficult for me and I am quite confused on how to deal with him. I really feel I deserve better but I don’t want to sound needy and question him again as I know that this is what he is willing to give me right now. Is there anything I can do to help with my anxiety? Do you also have any suggestions on how to approach him or deal with him? It took me a long time to be able to trust someone again after my last breakup and as we took things very slow, I thought he really cared about me, now I feel stupid.

[AskApril Masini]

Let’s talk about your anxiety, first.

Your anxiety is coming from your feelings about the discrepancy between what you want to happen and what is actually happening. You’re waiting for the other shoe to drop, hoping it won’t, and dreading the moment it will. 🙁 The best thing you can do for anxiety is to embrace the reality of your situation and decide what you’re going to do for yourself, given that reality. In other words, staring your fear in the face, really examining it, and deciding what you’re going to do in the reality — the suspended reality where you’re simply waiting for what may happen.

From the first time you wrote me about this guy, it was very clear that he wasn’t that into you, and I suggested that you play the field so you don’t get too invested in someone with these yellow flags showing. You did the opposite, and got invested in him. He’s definitely perked up and introduced you to some of his friends and family, but these high points have been interspersed with his retreating, pulling away, and not paying attention to you in the way a guy who wants a future with someone, would…. now, you suspect he’s met someone else, which is how he met you in the first place, while he was dating another woman. If you can disengage from what you want to happen, take a step back and look at what’s really happening, I think you’ll see that this guy has always given you doubts. You wanted so much for this to work out, that you stayed and wished…. but that didn’t work.

As for trusting….You mention that it was hard for you to trust after your break up, but it’s not men you shouldn’t trust — it’s you who has to start taking better care of yourself, so you can start trusting yourself again! 😉 You have to learn not to put yourself into situations that aren’t right for you, and take yourself out of any that become wrong. For instance, if a 30 year old guy is living in his mother’s basement, he’s not ready for a commitment. You need to learn those types of signs, and then not date a guy who’s not ready for what you are. You have to learn that when a guy is into you, he’s going to to want to show you off, and make you feel valuable. That’s your job to learn these things about men and dating, so you can trust yourself. 😀 Sometimes people have to make relationship mistakes over and over until they finally see what they’re doing and decide to make changes. Hopefully, you’ll see, this time, that he’s not your Mr. Right. You’ve invested almost a year on this guy, and it’s time for you to move on. He’s giving you all the signs. Your job is to read them and act.

My advice is not to call him between now and his Wednesday trip to California. This gives you the opportunity to see how much he wants to contact you and see you before he goes. You do deserve better, as you wrote — but not from him. From yourself. You shouldn’t be needy and question him. You should accept his behavior as his telling you what you don’t want to hear, he’s not that into you. Take care of you, and find a guy who is. 😉

I’m sorry you’re hurt, but you can fix this. 🙂 Only, you have to want to…..

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Ethan Morales]

None of this screams “you did something fatal.” Relationships wobble when life gets heavy. His dad dying, running a business, moving toward buying a house those are huge stressors. Your breakdown was human; it came from anxiety, not manipulation. If he cared only about being tidy and problem-free, he’d have left already. The fact that you’ve had good patches (meeting friends/family, long texts while apart, roses) means there’s something real but it also means you can’t pretend the worrying bits aren’t a thing.

His pattern of pulling away + resurfacing is the red flag you already felt. Men who genuinely want a long-term partner tend to include her in plans, integrate her into friend groups, and protect time for you even when busy. He’s inconsistent: sometimes present, sometimes distracted. That ambiguity is the actual problem here, not one moment of tears. You can hope for the best, but hope without boundaries turns into waiting with shrinking self-respect.

Practical plan give him space while he’s away. Don’t call or text him to chase. Let him initiate contact before his trip ends. If he reaches out and things feel normal again, request a single, calm conversation about what you both want (not an accusation session). Say something like: “I love what we’ve had, but I need clarity. I can’t stay in limbo are we building toward a real future or not?” Be specific: ask for concrete signs (introductions to close friends/family, joint planning, consistent communication) and a short timeline (four to six weeks) to see it happen.

If he avoids the clarity conversation, or promises change without follow-through, treat that as your answer. Don’t trade your life on hopes of a man becoming ready. You said yourself you deserve better. If he won’t meet your reasonable request for clarity and small commitments, step away. It’s kinder to end things and find someone steady than to hold vague promises that keep you anxious.

Manage your anxiety intentionally. Limit phone-checking windows (e.g., three set times/day), schedule enjoyable plans with friends, keep exercising and sleeping well, and start a short journaling habit (3–5 minutes nightly “facts, not fears”). If anxiety keeps you stuck, talk therapy or CBT techniques help massively; they teach you to tolerate uncertainty and respond (not react). Confidence is attractive invest in yours while you wait for evidence, not promises.

Final reality-check: the age gap and him living with his mom aren’t fatal by themselves, but they’re signals. At 29 he should be building an adult life; if he’s not, ask whether you want to be the person who waits for him to grow up. Decide your non-negotiables now. If emotional availability and consistency are on that list (they should be), hold to them. You can love someone and still refuse to make their pause your lifetime plan.

[Tara]

You are not his girlfriend, you’re his private convenience, and he’s keeping you tucked neatly out of every part of his real life. If a man spends months taking you out, holding your hand, laughing with you,

sleeping with you, but somehow never invites you to meet his friends, never brings you into his family world, never shows up at yours, and never includes you in anything that actually matters, he’s not confused, he’s compartmentalizing you.

You’re the fun, safe, low-pressure 21-year-old he enjoys privately while he deals with his mother, his grief, and his social life which he clearly doesn’t want mixing with you. And make no mistake: if a man is proud to be with you, you don’t have to wonder who he’s introducing you to, because it happens naturally.

The age gap isn’t the issue, the secrecy is. He’s not ashamed of dating a younger woman; he’s ashamed of committing to one. You’re hoping he just “needs more time,” but time isn’t going to magically convert a hidden relationship into a real one. If he wanted you woven into his world, you’d already be there.

New Year’s won’t reveal anything new, it’ll just make you face the truth you’re trying to avoid: he’ll be with his circle, and you’ll be with yours, because he hasn’t made you part of his life, he’s made you part of his routine.

[Natalie Noah]

She has invested a lot emotionally in this relationship, and that’s understandable given the time they’ve spent together and the positive experiences she’s had. Early on, the relationship seemed to grow naturally. he introduced her to friends and family, they spent time together, and he showed affection in public. These are signs of genuine connection, and it’s natural that she felt herself becoming attached. However, attachment doesn’t automatically equal commitment, and the uneven signals she’s been receiving sometimes attentive and affectionate, sometimes distant and preoccupied are important red flags.

Her anxiety stems from the discrepancy between her hopes and the reality of his behavior. She wants a stable, predictable relationship, but his actions show inconsistency: pulling away, focusing on work or social plans without including her, and potentially prioritizing other interests. This push-and-pull dynamic creates stress and uncertainty. Even though she’s trying to be patient, it’s becoming clear that she’s interpreting his distance as a lack of interest and rightly so. A partner who is serious about a long-term relationship will prioritize spending time with you, making you feel valued and included.

April’s advice emphasizes that westcoastgirl’s focus should shift from trying to control or influence his behavior to taking care of herself and embracing reality. Trusting herself means recognizing the signals he’s sending his inconsistent attention, the lack of inclusion in social circles, and the distancing and acting accordingly. She can’t make him care more or want a future with her; all she can do is respond to his behavior honestly. If she continues to invest in a relationship that consistently leaves her feeling anxious or undervalued, she risks prolonging emotional hurt.

The healthiest path forward is to create space and observe what he does without her initiating contact. If he values the relationship, he will make an effort to connect and show investment; if not, she gains clarity. This step is not about punishment. it’s about giving herself an opportunity to see his true priorities while protecting her own emotional well-being. Ultimately, she deserves someone who matches her desire for consistency, affection, and inclusion, and if he isn’t that person, it’s better to disengage now than continue hoping for a change that may never come.

[Member]

Posts