[librachick]

I am feeling so unsure right now.
I have been married for over 20 years with 2 lovely children.
I have been conversing on a message board for a year with a lovely man who is 66. I am nearly 44.

Recently he shared a photo of himself as I did myself.
Well the conversations have turned more sexual now and he is turning me on with his compliments and lovely kind nature.
My own relationship has been unhappy for a while and I am very tempted to leave and be with this other man.
I have never felt this way before!
Help..What should I do??

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Understand that this internet boyfriend is not a real life boyfriend, and you’ve never (indicated that you’ve) met him in real life, gone on a date with him, slept with him or met his family — which means he’s not a real boyfriend. 😮 He’s a fantasy guy. You’re using this internet relationship to satisfy a boredom and unhappiness in your marriage, but it’s a bad fix. 🙁

You haven’t really talked about what’s wrong with your marriage of 20 years, and that’s important to know. If your marriage is really the problem, then I suggest you deal with that investment — because 20 years and 2 children is an investment. You didn’t marry your husband on a fluke. You had real reasons — so what went wrong?

If you’re just bored in your own life, as your children don’t need you as much any more as they get older, and you’re probably in a sexual peak that women attain MUCH later than men, and your sex life seems ho hum, then maybe this internet guy isn’t really the fix, but something else is.

If you and your husband have problems that can’t be overcome, then maybe it is time to end the marriage — but I would never recommend you date this internet guy until you’re divorced.

I hope that helps — at least get you started thinking about what the REAL problem here is. 🙂

[librachick]

Thank you April. I hear what you are saying in my head..but my heart is saying otherwise 🙁
I have never met this man but I have friends who know him and he is of good character and very real. Just last night he teased and titillated me with dirty sex talk and I just felt sooooooo turned on. Honestly I just feel horny ALL the time.
My husband and I have been through many trials and tribulations. He has a very controlling demeanour/personality.
..so much so that I am not sure if he realises it but has a tendency to take over.
Often when I am talking with my kids he will answer for me if they ask a question.
He loves to talk and is a great salesman but a very high achiever who works long hours and gives 120% to everything. He is a fantastic father. Sometimes there just doesn’t seem to be enough left for us. Yes I have talked this through with him many times but nothing changes. I can’t expect him to change his personality traits can I?
I often feel like he is a whirlwind and makes me tired just being around him sometimes.
We have sex about once a week and it’s over pretty quick..lol.
This other man really listens to me and *gets me*…has time for me! That’s why I find myself aching for an email and checking my inbox regularly.
I’m trying to justify myself that cybersex isn’t the same as real sex and that myself and this man are just providing an outlet for each other?
Is that still cheating my husband? Or filling a fantasy? Yes I am quite bored. I have just lost 2 days work a week and sometimes feel that I am losing myself with my husband. This other man makes me feel equal. Often with my hubby I feel inferior because he is like an island. He loves giving advice and sometimes makes me feel like there is nothing I can do without his verbal input..eg..painting a fence, some cooking etc..
Thank you for your advice so far.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The picture you’re painting is coming clearer. You have problems in your marriage that are not fatal; you just lost two days of work a week, so you have free time on your hands and maybe you feel a little rejected by not just your husband, but your workplace, too; and you’re admittedly bored. The problem you have is in your own life, and it’s really great you’re being honest about the issues you’re facing.

I can understand why trying to get your husband to see your disappointment with your life right now is difficult because he’s the kind of guy who is very successful on his own and likes to fix problems. But he sounds like he loves you, is a good father and provider, has sex with you weekly (although you’re both in a sexual rut and the sex is boring for you), and that you don’t really want to cheat on him — which is key in your post. You’re using this cyber guy whom you’ve never met for a cheap thrill, all the while not wanting your husband to find out and you don’t want to believe this is cheating so you don’t betray your marriage.

I get it.

The problem is that your husband will see this as a betrayal — imagine if the tables were turned. The other problem is that this cyber guy is the tip of the internet sex iceberg, and after a while you’re going to move on to other men you meet online, and eventually, you’ll be tempted to meet one in person, and I bet you know how that story will end. Sadly.

All that said, I’ve got some advice for you.

For problem number one: You and your husband have lost touch with each other. If you can afford it, consider taking a vacation with your husband, just the two of you to rekindle what you once had. Maybe out his usual work and home grooves, he’ll listen to you better. Don’t give up on telling him you’re not happy and you want more from him and yourself. If you can keep that channel of communication open, you have a better chance of getting that hot sex with him. Also, consider switching your “porn” which is what your cyber guy is, from online to books. There are lots of hot and steamy books which can get you turned on without threatening your marriage the way a live man who is talking to just you can. Your husband won’t see these racy novels as a threat, and instead of just masturbating as you are with this cyber guy, you may even feel inspired to go to your husband when you’re all hot and bothered from external stimuli (sorry to be clinical here!).

The online guy is another human being, and that’s the big problem here — he IS a threat to your marriage because he’s live. Frankly, I doubt he wants a real relationship with you. This is all he wants from you — cyber sex. But you’ve got a real man in your bed who probably really wants to please you, and needs a little eye opening on how to do so. I know that isn’t an easy task for you, but the payoff could be really amazing for you.

Consider my book, Romantic Date Ideas, designed to heat things up in the bedroom. You can buy it here [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url] and it downloads immediately so you can start reading and implementing hot sex ideas from the book tonight!

And while you clearly expressed no interest in changing your husband’s personality traits (smart girl!), you haven’t ruled out changing your own behavior. Remember that although your husband may seem strong to the point of overbearing, he’s human and a good guy, and the sight of you in some new, racy lingerie, perhaps with a new hairstyle, hair color, amazing grooming — and even something new in the way of waxing down below 😎 — may get him to change his behavior [i]because[/i] you’ve changed yours.

Now, problem number two: You’ve lost work and you’re bored. 😥 Listen, you’re a sitting duck for trouble! You need to get busy and interested in life away from your computer and this 66 year old cyber sex partner. Get out there and start a running regime or a new exercise routine. Join a gym, join a political group, volunteer at a hospital or a homeless shelter. Spearhead a fundraiser, get some kind of new license as a start to something new, whether a hobby or a career — but don’t sit home and allow yourself the problem of boredom.

I promise you that if you deal with these two problems by using my suggestions verbatim or riffing on them to create your own solutions, you’re going to jump start a marriage that is not over, but has hit a rut and is worth saving.

I hope this helps you!

[Member]

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