[sasyk]

dear april,

first of all, i would like to let you know that english is not my native language. you will find grammar and spelling mistakes in this message. please forgive me in advance 😛

1) i am a married woman. my husband and i are having such a great difficulty to be together because he drinks a lot. so we are in the process of breaking up. i am trying to make it less painful to both of us. he is a great guy. you know he is really absolutely lovely. but when he drinks he hurts me so much. he is only 27 and i fail to understand when he is drunk. i asked him to go to AA but he does not want to admit he is addicted to alcohol. though i must admit that i feel such a deep pain that things are not working between us. i think i love him and i want him to be happy. i absolutely want him all the best. he is a very special person in my life. and always will be.

2) i met a guy who is a single father, 28, steven. we became very good friends for one single reason. he and i are very lonely and very unhappy in relationship. his daughter is 8. he became father when he was 20. we know each other only a month. he said he did not love his ex GF. she got pregnant and he had to take care of her. they were together for 3 years then she decided to move out to another country with his daughter. it has been 5 years he has been trying to take his little daughter from his mother. he said his daughter lives alone with her step father in morocco alone. his ex GF, mother of his daughter, got married to Moroccan guy and she lives in eastern europe but her daughter lives alone with this moroccan guy. he is very UPSET about the whole situation.

3) i met steven twice only, we are in contact by sms messages and phone calls mostly. we can not see each other more because at the moment his daughter is visiting him for one month. so he is enjoying her company and giving her all his time.
last time i met him he told me he had anxiety and worried a lot about his daughter, naturally. he told me a lot of his problems (things that happened in his childhood and things that are going on right now. he said he was never self confident). he trusts me very much. i highly appreciate his trust and friendship. i gave him big hugs. i also sent him a lot of text messages. wrote him three emails. a lot of words of support and many compliments because i ABSOLUTELY like him. i really really like him. i usually call him ‘my dear and lovely friend’ or ‘my sweet steven’ because i really mean it + i want him to know i am there to support him.

we never kissed and do not have any romantic relationship. he wrote me couple of text messages that i was very sweet person. and puts X and ‘hugs’ at the end of his messages. i write him a lot more messages then he wrote me. i am much more expressive of my feelings than he is. i compliment him a lot.

he knows i have a very serious problem with my husband but he does not know we are breaking up. last time i wanted to say this to him but he had to let out all his worries. though i really think it was the most important information for him to know. because i am very interested in him. (i am very interested in him because i think it is part of process of breaking up with my husband. things are not working between him and me. my husband says i should leave him. he doesnt want to fuck up my life. he says he wants to break up with me and he wont make any effort to give up drinking to build a life with me. his words affect me very negatively and i have no strength to continue my relationship with him)

my questions to you: am i being too intrusive to steven’s life? does he like me? is he interested in me in a romantic way? should i stop writing him text and email messages? what should i do with him? i can not help thinking of him.

i am looking forward to reading your answer. thank you very much ahead of time.

ss

p.s. i know that my relationship with steven will not be a long term because i want to be single for a while. i know it would be better if i did not think of steven. it would be better for both us. but i feel so lonely that i want to have someone who understands me and i truly want to support him too. i know we will be very good friends for life no matter what

[sasyk]

Dear April

could you please delete my post? thank you VERY much ahead of time. I hope you do not think i am rude to you. i do not feel comfortable anyone seeing my message.
much love and thank you ahead of time for understand me.
x

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your divorce with your husband is very upsetting, naturally, but it sounds like you are doing the right thing. Your husband is an alcoholic who does not want help, and admits he is hurting you and wants the divorce, so aside from suffering the heartbreak of a failed marriage, you know what to do here.

The advice I would give you regarding Steven, your friend, is to be careful of your tendency to enable people with problems. Clearly you married a man with a chronic alcohol disease. Now you’re looking to start a relationship with a man who has very deep problems of his own. I understand you are lonely, but my advice is to find a man who does NOT have problems and who is healthy and happy. It will be much better for you to surround yourself with family and friends who are supportive of YOU during this time that you are divorcing. This is NOT the time for you to take on a man with such big problems.

Accept your loneliness, but look closer to home for new friends who are available to support YOU for a change. You need to find a way to live a healthy life with healthy people in it if you want your next relationship and even marriage to work out.

I hope that helps. Please let me know how things go — and know that everything on this site is private and anonymous. Your problems help other people and other people here want to help you as much as I do. 🙂

Please join me on Facebook, too. Here’s the link for that site: [url][/url].

[sasyk]

Dear April–

Thank you very much for the reply. I made up my mind to be friends ONLY with Steven. he is a great guy. and i will help him because I wish him all the best. But you are right I want to have healthy and happy people around me, especially at the moment. I got a letter from Steven and he said I admire him and he wants to get himself together. I am happy I can talk to him. Everyone gets hurt and of course everyone needs to talk and be helped sometimes. So I do not mind listening to him and even spending my time to make his life brighter. When I see his smile it makes me happy.

My husband is a very good person. But it looks like I can not afford to be stressed out all the time with him. I tried to talk to him today but he was very upset that I am speaking my mind. I want to base my relationship on trust and understanding, but my husband who I love and care for does not want to listen to me. It is his own choice. I can only give him advice. It is him and only him who should understand the root of the problem. I would gladly assist him he wanted to. I must admit he said he knows that he drinks a lot and he wants to change for the better. I will see. My fingers are crossed for him.

Thank you April very much 😀 .

I decided to write down my priorities and act accordingly.

Best of luck to you April.

x

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m glad I was able to help. 😀 You sound like you have a handle on what is a tough situation with your husband, and you’ve got your feet on the ground with Steven, who may be a friend, but isn’t boyfriend material. Make sure everything you do in every minute of every day is a step towards a healthy life — whether it’s directly eating well and exercising or else using boundaries to keep destructive behavior by others at bay.

Good luck! But don’t be a stranger — join me on Facebook at AskApril.com on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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