[Anonymous]

I guess I have no one else to ask..

Me and my girlfriend just got together three weeks ago. Know this, I am happy, she is the girl I always wanted, and I love her. I’ve loved her since we were in school together as teens, and I finally got a chance to be with her. She’s divorced now though, and she has three kids. Even through everything, my feelings haven’t changed for her and we got together. I told her before we were even together though, that right now I am a college student and I am unemployed, so I can’t give her kids or her many material things. She said that was alright, she has a job and raises them and we just get to date every so often and we’ve been happy. I’ve been looking for a job, because I wanted to help her out still because I still felt like I needed to help with supporting her as her boyfriend (plus I wanted my own money). I’ve made several applications but I haven’t got any calls back yet and I haven’t given up searching. I filled out a dozen applications online today alone. She messaged me today though and told me now she needs more. Now she told me I need to be able to support her and the kids, because her job isn’t enough now and that I’ll have to have a job otherwise we can’t be together. She said she doesn’t want to be in a relationship again where someone didn’t come through with getting a job and that love comes with working, and that she’s just looking out for herself. And that we aren’t going out anymore if she is paying for it. I don’t know where this is exactly coming from, to be honest. It’s not like we went to extravagant places where she paid for everything. I’m pretty sure I paid for most of what I wanted anyways. It went from us having a mutual understanding of our lives being separate (except when we were out on a date), to me completely changing mine to accommodate her life. She says I need to try harder to find a job, but I don’t know how much harder I can try. She has barely talked to me the past two days except for her telling me this, and I’m afraid of losing her, I love her more than anything. I don’t want to lose her over jobs not calling me back and giving me an interview so I can get a job and help out, but I don’t know what else to do if jobs don’t give me a call back.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it matters anymore, she broke up with me over it.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

What you were trying to do was nearly impossible. A single mother with three kids and a full time college student are not a good match — regardless of personalities. She’s got responsibilities, and if a man is going to be in her life, he has to be one that’s going to want to settle and become a step-father. No matter how well meaning you both were, your main focus needs to be college and hers needs to be her children. You just aren’t compatible right now.

I’m sorry you’re both hurt.

For future, know yourself well and what you can and cannot do (now, in five years, and for the future), and try to choose someone who is self aware and compatible.

I hope that helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for replying April, I read what you had to say initially, and you were right, we didn’t really mesh all that well in terms of our lives, but I had to take my shot. I had waited a decade for that moment and I had to take it. I was beginning to accept that we broke up and it was over, that we were still friends and life would move on.

So why am I back?

Well, as I was trying to cope with the loss of my ex girlfriend/best friend/my first (yeah, she was all three of these things), I check her Facebook profile and she already had a new boyfriend, with the posted anniversary of the day after we broke up. Ironically, Friday the 13th. Two days before we broke up, she didn’t talk to me and the couple brief conversations that we have and I told her I loved her, she didn’t say anything back. I can only really assume the worst had really happened. It wasn’t the job that bothered her (like I said, it didn’t the three weeks prior when we got together), it was that she met someone else. I was kind of upset with this, as I think most people would. She either broke up with me to get with the new guy, or got together with him after we just broke up and declared him the greatest thing since sliced bread. Another couple days past and I was thinking to myself that.. well, if she’s happy, I’m happy. Obviously I didn’t do enough to keep her and she’s happy with this new guy. Not the best feeling in the world, but we only dated three weeks (even though I spent my adult life trying to date her), and she was my friend, so I had to let it slide.

Then.. then I get a message from an old friend of hers and mine. It turns out that my ex-girlfriend fairly bluntly used to make fun of me, call me names and make smart remarks behind my back about my appearance and things about me, back then and now. My friend also said that my ex never liked me, for my looks, not for anything like that. In fact, she just didn’t really like me. She said my ex goes around and gets with guys who get her stuff and make her happy for a while, then goes on and meets someone else. My only head-scratching moment there was that if she knew I wasn’t going to get her many things, why did she bother going out with me in the first place? Kind of had an epiphany about it all. A lot of what she talked about when we first started having feelings for each other, was that I was in college, I was “doing something with myself” that I was “on the right path” and that her and me both doing good. I guess all that meant for me was that I might have some money. Ahh, I guess that’s why she wanted me to get more money with a job, right? Right..

Well, I’m really at a loss now.. so not only was she not acting like my friend, by talking behind my back and putting me down intentionally, but she ended up only going out for me because I may or may not have money. And when I spent what I had on her and myself when we went out, she left and found someone else new, either a couple days before we broke up or the day after. No girlfriend, no friend, no anything now.

So there’s my sad story.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s only a sad story if you don’t learn from your mistakes and you don’t move on. 😉 The bottom line is that you chose poorly. 🙁 There is no way in the world a college student with no job should be dating a divorced, single mother of three and expecting the best. That you spent your “adult life trying to date her” and when you finally did, the relationship only lasted three weeks, speaks to the fantasy element involved in your choice. Now, it’s time to get back to reality. Pack up the pity party and move on. Stop wondering why it didn’t work or why she moved on — I already told you — you two were not a compatible match. She’s right to move and you are, too. It’s not fair for you to badmouth her or judge her. Chalk this up to experience and use what you learn to evolve in your quest for Ms. Right. You have a lot of good attributes — now, capitalize on them. Don’t look back, just forward.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[Anonymous]

Wait a second, me bad mouth her? I was almost to the point of moving on and it turns out she was bad mouthing ME the entire time, for the entire time I knew her.. I know we aren’t a compatible match now and I don’t want to be back with her now, but hell, at least get the story straight. I never said anything “bad” about her on here or anywhere else and I challenge you to prove that. It’s a waste of time anyways, I wasted all this time on her and I can never get it back. I don’t know why I even cared to reply to this..

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sorry — I think we had a misunderstanding. When I said you were badmouthing your ex-girlfriend, I meant your were repeating gossip that shed your ex in a bad light, after the break up when it’s really easy to use your ex as a target instead of taking responsibility for your choices and any changes you can make in the future that reflect what you’ve learned. It’s more important for you to focus on yourself right now, not her.

[Member]

Posts