[freddy123]

Hey, I was out with this girl and got her to my place, the problem is I hadnt eaten all day and we had few drinks so I didnt think clearly. So after some kissing she asked me if I wanna be friend with benefits, and I did not understand why she was asking, clearly because she wanted to be what she said. but I chickened out and asked her if she wants to, and then said something like if she wants to be my girlfriend. I do not want a girlfriend though, I only want a friend with benefits as well.. after that she wanted to go home and left within next 15 minutes, although we made out again . .. I think I must have freaked her out, is there a way to fix it ? please help .. Thank you 😯 😕

[AskApril Masini]

So, you told her you want a girlfriend, when you really just want a friend with benefits, and now you’re feeling guilty. 😳 If you want to set things straight, then simply tell her you re-thought the conversation and don’t want to mislead her into thinking you want a commitment or a girlfriend, and that what you’re really looking for is just a FWB relationship. That should clear things up.

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[freddy123]

Thank you for your answer, that is what i actually did today, however it made the matters even more … weird?..
As we were both sober today, and we are two completely different cultures, she is a Chinese, and they tend to be more shy and take things slower back in China I guess,
Basically I just told her that I thought about what she asked and that If she wants to, we can be just friends with benefits, but under a condition there will be no girlfriend stuff involved. so just pure FWB …
And then her reply was, that she asked it just to make sure I did not want this kind of relationship … lol so I am even more confused now

[AskApril Masini]

It sounds like now that you’ve clarified with her that you only want a friends with benefit relationship, she told you that she only asked you if that’s what you wanted to make sure you didn’t — because that’s not what she wants. She asked to see if the two of you were on the same page — wanting the same thing from each other. Now, she knows you don’t, and you know she doesn’t. I hope that helps you with any confusion you may feel.

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[freddy123]

Hello April, Thank you again for your quick reply!
You understand it right, however …
She still wants to go out with me and she wants me to teach her swimming…
So it does not seem like she was freaked out or something.. that is why I am confused, if we were meant to be completely incompatible she would not want to go out with me, wouldnt she?
Thank you

[AskApril Masini]

If she still wants to see you, and you’ve been up front with her about what you’re looking for, then you should probably continue to see her! I think that what you’re wanting is her guarantee that she’s not going to get emotionally involved and feel badly that you’re not interested in more than a friends with benefits relationship. You can’t really control her emotions — but you can be upfront about your own intentions, behavior and feelings, and you can be aware of her apparent conflict and expect more of the same. In relationships, it’s good to have your eyes open and to be honest, but you can’t make other people do the same. You have to just keep your side of the street clean, and try to choose people who are compatible with you. 😉

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[Ethan Morales]

It seems like the initial confusion came from miscommunication and differing expectations. You were caught off guard and, in a semi-intoxicated state, you shifted the conversation toward wanting a girlfriend, which wasn’t your true intention. This naturally caused tension because she was expecting clarity about what both of you wanted. April’s advice is correct: once you realized your error, the best thing to do was to be honest about your intentions. Transparency is always better than letting confusion or assumptions linger.

Cultural differences can amplify miscommunication. You mentioned she’s Chinese and tends to be more reserved and slower in approaching intimacy. What might seem like mixed signals to you could simply be her way of testing boundaries and understanding your intentions carefully. In this context, her asking if you wanted a friends-with-benefits relationship may have been a cautious probe rather than a firm statement of desire.

The fact that she clarified she didn’t want a friends-with-benefits setup is telling. It shows she’s thoughtful about her boundaries and values emotional compatibility. She likely wanted to confirm you weren’t looking for the same dynamic, so she could gauge whether seeing you further aligns with her comfort level. This doesn’t mean she’s freaked out or rejecting you it just indicates she wants clear terms before engaging further.

Her continued interest in going out with you and learning swimming from you is a positive sign. It shows she enjoys your company and wants to maintain a connection, even if her intentions differ from yours. Compatibility isn’t about being exactly the same in what you want immediately it’s about whether both parties can respect boundaries and enjoy the connection in the current context.

Your side of the street is clear: you’ve been honest about your intentions and what you want. You can’t control how she reacts emotionally or whether her feelings evolve. The key here is managing expectations and being mindful that she may develop feelings beyond a casual relationship, given her interest in spending time with you. That’s normal, and you just need to be aware of it.

The practical takeaway is this: continue seeing her if you enjoy her company, but stay upfront and clear about your boundaries. Expect some ambiguity because human emotions are messy, and recognize that compatibility goes beyond immediate agreement it’s also about respect, communication, and being on the same page enough to enjoy your interactions without forcing one another into roles you’re not ready for. Your situation isn’t incompatible; it’s just delicate and requires careful honesty from both sides.

[Tara]

You need slapped across your face: she handed you exactly what you wanted on a silver platter, no feelings, no commitment, just fun, and you blew it because you couldn’t manage a basic conversation after a few drinks. You didn’t “confuse” her. You signaled emotional chaos. She offered FWB, you countered with “Do you want to be my girlfriend?” That’s not mixed signals, that’s a walking red flag.

You didn’t freak her out because you wanted more. You freaked her out because you had no idea what you wanted in the moment, making her feel like she was dealing with someone unpredictable. FWB requires clarity and stability. You showed neither.

Can you fix it? Maybe, but you only get one shot. You text her something short, clean, and direct:
“I misunderstood what you meant that night. I’m not looking for a relationship. If you still want something casual, I’m open to that. If not, no hard feelings.”
Then you shut up and leave the ball in her court.

[Sally]

I get how that kind of moment can throw you off. When you’re hungry, buzzed, and nervous, your brain just… glitches. I’ve said some wild things in those situations too, so don’t beat yourself up.

She probably wasn’t scared of you she was just confused. She offered something casual, and you answered like someone who suddenly wanted a whole relationship. That mixed signal can make a girl shut down fast.

If you want to fix it, keep it simple. Send her a short message, nothing heavy. Just tell her you were out of it, you like her, and you’re open to something casual if she is. Then leave the ball in her court.

If she’s still interested, she’ll come back around. If not, at least you were honest.

[Natalie Noah]

The confusion mostly comes from a mismatch in expectations and communication. Freddy initially miscommunicated by suggesting a girlfriend situation when he really only wanted a friends-with-benefits arrangement. That moment naturally caused some uncertainty, but once he clarified, it became clear that neither of them wanted the same type of relationship. Her follow-up response that she had asked to make sure he didn’t want a FWB relationship actually shows that she was testing the waters to see if they were aligned. It’s not about incompatibility; it’s about both of them figuring out exactly what they want.

The fact that she still wants to see him, hang out, and even have him teach her swimming indicates she’s not freaked out and may genuinely enjoy his company. This highlights that human connections aren’t always so black-and-white. They can enjoy each other’s presence and shared experiences even if their ultimate relationship goals aren’t perfectly aligned. The key here is that Freddy has been honest about his intentions, and she has been clear about hers so at least there’s transparency, which is rare and valuable in these situations.

Freddy should continue interacting with her as long as he’s comfortable with the arrangement and continues to respect both his boundaries and hers. The confusion will likely remain if he tries to control or predict her feelings, but keeping communication open and being upfront about what he wants while enjoying the time together is the healthiest way forward. Both parties seem to have a mutual curiosity and enjoyment of each other’s company, so it doesn’t need to be forced or overanalyzed.

[Member]

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