[vickp]

Hi i am new and need advice, i am devastated and confused and don’t know what to do, my partner and i have had 3 wonderful years together, not one cross word or argument, then he started a new job a few months ago and also turned 51, he started going out with the lads from work, most are younger and single, he started drinking (he does not drink) and staying out later and more often…you know what is coming…. he confessed to taking a woman he works with out for a drink, swears nothing more, he now says he loves me to bits but doesn’t think he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, this was 2 months ago, 2 weeks ago he said he wanted to leave and there was nothing left, we had a heart to heart and i said if you show willing i will show trust, since then he has been showing me texts to prove where he is going, and not spending so much time out and now says he is confused and doesn’t know what he wants, he is still here and still in our bed. He swears nothing has happened, he said he won’t leave (me and my son who is 17) as he doesn’t want to see us homeless or without money, i only work part time on minimum wage, the house is owned by myself and my ex husband as part of the divorce we pay half the mortgage each, my partner pays it and feels trapped because if anything happened to him ie accident at work we wouldn’t be able to pay the mortgage on what i earn, i have given him the freedom he wants the last couple of months, but i don’t think i can take much more, he is out 4/5 nights and i am paranoid and checking everything he does, smelling his clothes, checking his wallet, e-mails etc. how much more can i take while he makes up his mind ! is it just a mid life crisis ? did she just turn his head and he was flattered? now he has started to show willing and says he doesn’t know anymore is he coming round ? i want to say to him its not fair the amount of nights you are going out but on the other hand i don’t want to blow it if he is.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you have two problems here. One is your boyfriend of three years who at age 51, has started a new job and a new group of friends, and took someone out on a date who wasn’t you. 😕 Whether this is a mid-life crisis that is fleeting or a mid-life crisis that is here to stay and change his life, or simply the end of the three year relationship you have with him, things are changing.

Your response is tempered by the second problem — you’re financially reliant on him, and feel that without his money, you can’t afford your housing and lifestyle. 😕 I know you’re getting frustrated with his behavior as he pulls away from you, but it isn’t clear that you’re now staying with him because you need his money or because you want things to continue. In fact, I’m not sure you know the reason. If you do nothing, I think that you’ll grow more frustrated with the relationship and end up staying for his money. But eventually, if he pulls away for good, you’ll still be without his income, as if the band aid had been ripped off slowly and painfully. So, from a problem solving point of view, you can’t do nothing.

If you really want him to stay then you have to change your own behavior — not look to him to simply change his. 😉 He’s going out with younger people, and he’s starting to date. You’re going to have to up your game and compete with these other women. I know that that seems unfair because you’ve been living together for three years, but the reality is that relationships can and do end, and if there are weak spots in the relationship you have with him — weak spots that you can do something about — then this is the moment to change yourself, your life and your relationship. Whether it’s as simple as a makeover with hair, makeup and clothing — or as complicated as losing weight, getting to the gym, revving up your sex life, and making him feel appreciated and sexy — so much so that he doesn’t look elsewhere to feel those things, then do it!

It would be great if he included you in his new social life, but don’t force yourself on him in that way. Instead make yourself someone he’s proud to show off to his new friends. Try to put yourself in his shoes and imagine what he’s going through — and then use that information you figure out, to strategize and get your relationship back where you want it to be.

The second problem you have, your income, may actually impact the first problem. If you can get a better job, or a full time job, or a second job, you’re going to feel less reliant on him financially. It’s hard to think about downsizing, but I think that this might be the moment to do so. If you can’t afford the mortgage on your home, alone, let your ex buy you out, or agree with him to sell the house and buy something you can afford alone. Being independent and making your own money may actually help your relationship with your boyfriend of three years. Independent women are very sexy and attractive to many men — and if your boyfriend is dating a woman from work, I think that proves my point. Time for you to get in the game, and to up your own game. 😎

I hope that helps!

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