[Myonder]

So I’m 33yr old male and 24 year old fiancé have been dating 4 years. She comes from a difficult childhood but is amazing in many ways. She is going to be very successful in her profession one day. Right now I pay for almost everything. Like 90%. She does not budget or save anything with the little she makes.

My issue is she has had stretches with depression and anxiety that make it tough for her to work or really do anything. She routinely is messy and does not clean up after herself. She also has auto immune disease. I am afraid to pass the depression and auto immune disease to kids eventually. I don’t want them to deal with that. I also want a partner that doesn’t need to always sleep and rest for huge stretches since I want to be more active.

Anti depressants have numerous side effects and neither of us want her on them. She has been on them before. That said she is not dilligent about going to the gym and taking care of herself.

I am no saint but I am in good health and have a good job and have been saving for a long time. I know the age difference plays a factor in that. She says I’m controlling. It’s more parent child like. She doesn’t always take care of her responsibilities. I feel the need to parent her because of that. I feel like she can’t take care of herself and just relies on me. Not ideal for a partnership. This has me talking down to her and it creates a negative spiral.

Despite all these issues I love her we laugh a lot and share many interests and values. I’m just not sure if love is enough and if I can get around the genetic issues and have to eventually be the caretaker always for the multitude of issues. Mixed feelings here on what to do. I know she senses it and I just don’t know if I should stay or go. Or even what to think or how to act. I’m all mixed up. Thanks for your input. I know it’s a lot to read.

[AskApril Masini]

You’ve put your finger on the problem. You can love someone, but not be compatible with them. This is sometimes a tough concept for people to understand because there’s a romantic notion that love is enough. You’ve mentioned a handful of issues that you feel are incompatibilities — for instance, you say you want someone who is energetic and takes good care of herself, and the woman you’re engaged to isn’t those things. You talk about wanting children without autoimmune disease, but you’ve gotten engaged to someone who has just that. 😕 You want children, but you’re concerned that your fiancee may pass on her medical issues or not be up to taking care of them. You’ve got a good handle on the problem — you just need help making a decision.

Use pencil and paper. In one column list everything you want in a wife. In a second column list your deal breakers. Then go through in a third column and see where your fiancee falls. The hardest part is analyzing and making a decision since relationships aren’t straight math. You can marry someone who’s awesome on paper, and problems arise later. You can marry the perfect woman and get hit by a car and end up disabled. You can both be healthy, and have a child with problems in spite of your health. Life is fluid and full of surprises — so this exercise isn’t an insurance policy! But it is an exercise you thinking critically. You’ve mentioned she has wonderful qualities, but some you really don’t like. You have to do the hard work and decide if what’s between you is enough for you. If it’s not — then you should rip the bandaid off and move on. If it is, then you have to decide to keep your side of the street clean, for instance, don’t enable her financially.

If you haven’t discussed these things with her, in a non-confrontative way, then do so. Ask her about having kids. Ask her about her medical future and her finances. Ask her how she’d feel about having separate money and about how she’d feel if you stop funding her. Get the conversation started because you may learn things about her and yourself that you haven’t, in spite of four years together.

Let me know if you have more questions.

[Member]

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