[intlguy]

Hey April and community,

Never used one of these kinds of sites before, but here goes. I’m a college guy. I’ve been out with this girl from my university a few times and things seemed to be going well. Now though, it appears that I’ve been partially friend zoned, and I’m not exactly sure what the best way to proceed is. I like this girl, and I want to make it work with her if I can.

To begin with, I met this girl the first week of November at a party. We had a mutual friend, spent pretty much the whole evening engrossed in great conversation, she seemed really interested, and I successfully got her number. Skip forward a few weeks to Thanksgiving break. Through a few misjudgments on my part, I hadn’t asked her out after getting her number. Long story short, it was in her court to make the next move and I wasn’t holding my breath that anything would come of it. On Thanksgiving though, she made a point of contacting me. From there, we ended up having a good text conversation where she was basically sending me paragraphs at some points. From where I was sitting, that indicated the interest was still there. Why would she waste her time otherwise? Anyway, I was feeling it, so I asked her out for after the break and she said yes.

I picked her up for the date and we went to dinner (which I paid for without mention). We had a great time. The conversation didn’t have any dull points and she was putting off ideal body language. The date progressed to us going for coffee after dinner, and the good rapport continued. Over the course of the night there was some light touching, but nothing major. I even gave my jacket to her at one point when she said she was cold. When I brought her home, her sister and roommate were right nearby, so things ended with a solid hug, I felt great about the date though.

An hour later I texted her I had had a great time and we should meet up again soon, to which she responded in kind and agreed. The second date happened about a week later. We went for ice cream (I picked her up from her house again), and after a few hours hanging outside the ice cream shop together, we went back to my place to watch a movie. Within ten minutes of the movie starting she leaned her head on me and we started cuddling. Toward the end of the movie we started making out. That went on for about an hour with a bit of conversation/cuddling intermixed. I feel like it could have progressed to sex, but I didn’t want to be pushy. This girl seemed cool so far and I didn’t want to mess up the potential of a relationship by getting more physical too early. It was after midnight and we made a move to go back to her house under the auspices of “hanging with her sister before she went to sleep.” We walked to my car close together with my arm around her and kissing sporadically. Got her home, and we hung out in her kitchen for a bit talking (her sister was asleep).

In conversation, I found out she was coming to a big party (200 plus people invited) at a bar that some of my friends and I were hosting the following night. (I hadn’t invited her directly, it was a facebook thing). I honestly thought it would simply be a good opportunity to see her again when she said she was going. Second, as Christmas break was coming soon, I said we should try and meet up during it since we had discovered our family homes were less than an hour apart. She readily agreed and then told me about this big Christmas party her family puts on every year where they invite a lot of family and friends over. Her mother and siblings would be there (Dad is out of the picture). On one hand, I thought this seemed a bit fast on her part with her wanting me to meet her family. But it didn’t seem like a “come meet my parents” thing, more like a “this is a cool event my family does every year anyway, you should come” type thing. So I agreed, saying to get me the details later. I also said we could hang out before that as well, catch a movie during the break, etc. She again seemed like she was into the idea. We kissed goodnight, and I left. Similar text exchange as the last date occurred, and I also said I’d see her tomorrow.

The party started at 7:30PM. We ended up having 100 plus people show up (most of them friends of mine). The girl came around 9:45PM with her sister and a couple friends, immediately bee-lined it over to me and gave me a forceful hug (more than a regular greeting hug if that makes sense). We talked sporadically throughout the night, but we weren’t together the entire time by any means. We both floated around talking to different groups of friends. It was an end of the year party and some of my friends were graduating, so I didn’t fixate on keeping up with her the whole night, that wasn’t why I had helped organize the party to begin with. A few times though, I saw dudes chatting her up (she’s very good looking). We weren’t ‘together’, so it wasn’t a huge deal to me, but I couldn’t help but insert myself into some of these situations and direct her over to meeting some of my friends or something to get her away from Mr. random, which she was perfectly content doing it seemed. At one point she mentioned she and her sister would probably head out to meet some friends at another bar. We were separated again, but then I noticed she wasn’t there anymore after awhile. I kind of felt weirded out she had just left, but she had been drinking, so I chalked it up to that. I texted her, asking if she had left. She didn’t respond until about an hour after the party ended at 2AM. We texted for a bit, which eventually transferred to her responding around 9:30AM. We discussed when we were both heading back home. I was leaving two days after she was, and suggested getting together the day she was leaving, before she went home. She said she needed to check if she was scheduled to work that night, but that she’d get back with me. (She had said this before our second date and it worked out no problem).

At this point, stuff started getting shady. I then texted her asking if (by the way) she’d ever been to this tourist attraction park in between our houses this time of year with it being decked out with holiday events and decorations. 4 hours later, she said “I haven’t been since I was little, I bet its so pretty though.” I took this as a greenlight to ask her to go with me to the park a week or so into the break. After about 2 hours, I did. She didn’t text back until around 3:30pm two days later. I called her the morning of the second day, left a message basically saying “hope your exams are going well, wanted to see if you found out about your work schedule, no worries if you can’t meet up before you leave, etc” Pretty short voicemail, was non-chalant I thought, didn’t want to come off as whiny or anything, just trying to reconnect. I figured she must just be busy, she didn’t have a reason to just ‘silent treatment’ me. When she texted back, she said “Hey sorry I haven’t responded, I’ve been sick… 🙁 Terrible timing!” I was genuinely going to the store anyway, so I told her this and offered to bring her something if she needed anything (like soup). I said this trying to be sweet, but afterward I thought I may have gone too far. She said no thanks, that she was just going to take a nap. I said “Alright, hope you get to feeling better. 🙂 If you end up feeling like meeting tomorrow before you leave town, I’d still like to.”

She texted me the next day saying she couldn’t hang out because she needed to “prepare for a lunch date with a friend’s sister” and “maybe we can work something out when I’m not as busy. Sorry to bail.. see you soon.” The tone of her texts had changed a good bit, and I was thinking she was scrambling for excuses not to hang because I had come off as overbearing. I said “No worries, have a good time! I think we only live like an hour away from each other, we can do something during the break. And that Christmas party sounded cool also. 🙂” Then she hit me with “No I meant I’m really busy like I can’t date anyone right now. I’m just trying to focus on myself. But I’ll let you know about the party.” I immediately thought she must feel like I’m suffocating her with trying to make plans for future dates and that I’d majorly screwed up by trying to chain meet ups. The “let you know about the party” part confused me though. I didn’t respond for like three hours, and then she sent: “I didn’t mean for that text to come across as rude. I apologize if it did… I just don’t want to rush anything. We can hang out as friends right now. and you should still come to the Christmas party. It’ll be fun. 🙂”

I thought about it and responded: “No its alright, I understand where you’re coming from. I didn’t mean to come on so strong if it seems like I was. Friends for now is cool. Yeah it sounds fun, let me know the details when it gets closer. 🙂” This was the best I could think to come up with. Maybe not the best choice of words… seemed like it might keep the door open I guess. I especially made a point of saying “friends for now.”She said “I’m really happy you understand, I’ll let you know.” Yesterday (3 days later), she randomly said “Hey! How’s your break going?” I basically said “great, how’s yours?” She said “good to hear” and that she was having a hard time dealing with the “shooting in Connecticut thing” but that she was at work, so she’d text me later. This short text session kind of threw me for a loop, since I figured she just wasn’t going to text me again. But then it seemed kind of half-assed on her part…

So that’s it. First of all, based on all I’ve said, what do you think this girl’s perspective is in this situation?
Also, is going to the Christmas party a good or bad idea? Part of me thinks seeing her in person again and making a good impression with her family (I’m pretty confident I can) would help my cause with this girl. Plus, I honestly think the party would be fun. But then another part of me thinks I’m friend zoned and I shouldn’t bother, its just a waste of time.
Finally, should I contact her again? I think I should just wait for her to contact me, but what do you think? I really like this girl, but I think I came on too strong or something. Is this a lost cause or what? Should I just move on?

Sorry this spiel was so long. I figured I would get a more helpful response with a more detailed explanation of my problem. Thanks a lot for your time and any advice.

[AskApril Masini]

Unfortunately, you put yourself in the friend zone. 😳

Up until that time, you did everything right! 😀 But when she realized after the second or third date that she wasn’t interested in a relationship with you, that was your cue to tell her that you’re not interested in friendship with her because you like her too much. But you missed it! Showing a woman that you’re so confident, her rejection is just the key to your going out and finding someone else actually makes you MORE attractive — not less. Putting yourself in the friend zone, willingly, isn’t going to score you points.

You were so afraid of losing contact with her, that you put yourself in the friend zone in order to stay in her life. But this isn’t going to work because you’re not friends with her; you don’t want to be friends with her; and friendships between men and women don’t work (especially when they’ve dated) because one person always feels more than the other at some point.

Not everyone is going to be your cup of tea and vice versa, so when that happens, my advice is to move on. If you go to her family Christmas party, you’re going to be anxious about how she feels about you, making a good impression, wondering if the guys she’s talking to there are dates, potential dates, etc. It’s going to create drama and confusion for you and it’s not going to show you in your best light.

My advice is to move on and find someone who wants to date you, and if someone doesn’t, like her, don’t put yourself in their friend zone. It’s too hard on you and it’s too hard to feel single so that you can meet someone available and interested! 😉

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[intlguy]

That makes sense to me! I’ll be sure to remember this advice next time if the “let’s be friends for now” line comes up again. I’m better than that, and I shouldn’t relegate myself to the friend zone… Good insight on the Christmas party also, I imagine that’s how it would go down. As far as this girl is concerned then, I’m moving on. Thanks for the help April! I really appreciate the advice and quick response. 🙂

[AskApril Masini]

You’re very welcome! 😀

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
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