Hi April,
I’m a 22 year old woman getting ready to graduate from college and trying to decide what to do next with my life. I’ve been in a long-distance relationship for 3 years with a guy who will be graduating from college this year as well. We’ve had our ups and downs, some trust issues, etc. but I love him and want to eventually marry him after our education is finished and careers are somewhat established. He is accepted to medical school and I’m still deciding whether to further my education. We’re nearing the start of medical school for him and I will have to decide whether I’m going to move with him to his new city.
There are two problems. The first is that I am working on trusting him again after a difficult issue with one of his classmates (they developed a secret emotional “thing” but I don’t think it was ever sexual). The strain of a 3 year long-distance relationship at such a young age has been difficult and neither of us claim to be perfect, though I haven’t caused him to worry to the extent that I have worried,
The second problem is that we would be living together if I moved with him and I am just not the type of person to casually live with someone without some kind of understanding that we’re moving towards an engagement at some point. It’s just not my style. I think it gives you all of the benefits of marriage with none of the commitment. Maybe I’m old-fashioned (I am Southern!) but that’s just how I want to do things. The problem is we can’t have a serious discussion about what living together actually means and how we would do it. He says “I want to be with you” and “I wouldn’t ask you to live with me if we weren’t moving towards something” but it’s limited to that and he won’t elaborate.
Now I’m feeling pressured to make a decision but I need a little more of a verbal affirmation that says the living together thing is a step towards a future together not just fun and games. I would like him to tell me that he loves me and wants to marry me when the time is right but all he can say is, “I want us to be together.” He can’t talk about it without getting very uncomfortable and even a bit upset sometimes. I don’t feel like I can make such an important decision without a candid talk about it. Am I being outrageous for needing a more substantial discussion about this before I move across the country with him?
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