[letmesleep]

‘Josh’ and I have been together for about 7 months, we see each other several times each week, get along great, have amazing chemistry. I’ve never fallen as hard for somebody as I have with him. Both of us are at grad school and on top of that I work part time and Josh has plenty of hobbies that keep him busy- but we always make time to see eachother.

Josh has depression which is not something he likes to talk about, and only something he let me know about after we had a little blip a couple of months ago. Because of this I guess usually when something bothers me I try not to get angry, or I try and approach things open and honestly.

Because Josh’s parents live out in Dubai he goes back there over the holidays. Last Tuesday I went round to his house and Josh, myself and his housemates had a big Christmas meal to celebrate and afterwards went out to a club. Everything was great and I ended up staying round his. In the morning he seemed a little distracted but I knew he had a lot to sort out before he went home so I said goodbye and we agreed to meet on the Thursday before he went home to exchange gifts.

I sent him a text that (Wednesday) afternoon asking if everything was okay, just because he seemed a little off this morning. I got no reply and assumed he was just busy- until later that evening I noticed he had been active on face book (he only ever uses it on his phone) and on top of that while he hadn’t opened a snapchat I had sent him he had clicked and viewed the one on my story (silly, I know, but it really seemed like he was avoiding me). I sent him a second text asking if I’d done something to upset him and he replied immediately that ‘I’m just busy with other stuff right now. Left my phone at home all day’- I pointed out that that couldn’t really be true, and that if there was a problem I’d rather he told me than intentionally ignore me or there would be nothing I could do to sort it and he didn’t reply.

The next day (Thursday) came and I figured he probably was busy with packing so I’d wait for him to text me about exchanging presents like we had agreed and give him a little space to cool off. It got to 8:20pm and I still hadn’t heard anything so I sent him a message saying “Hey, did you still want to exchange presents tonight? xx”. He responded with “I can’t I’m too busy”. No sorry, no kisses, short and blunt. I replied that I hated the thought of not seeing each other even for five minutes before he left for three weeks, he just responded ‘I don’t have time’. I then offered to bring it round to his house, and said I didn’t want any kind of argument especially since it was christmas and it’s the time you let people know how much they mean to you. He responded with ‘no its fine i don’t have time I’m busy with other things right now’. I told him I understood he was busy, I was too (one of my closest friends had had a heart attack at the age of 24 the night before, he was okay but I’d been visiting him all day at the hospital) but couldn’t he put aside five minutes since I wouldn’t see him in three weeks. He responded ‘stop trying to make me seem like a monster because i have other things I need to do’. I told him I didn’t think he was a monster, I loved him and that I just hated the idea of leaving things over christmas like this because we’d both feel crap. I told him I’ve always been understanding when he’s been busy, and I’ve never tried to interfere or stop his hobbies or his work and it was a little unfair to suggest that. He sent a final message saying ‘just STOP it. you’re being so selfish. I have work to finish for tomorrow and haven’t started packing why can’t we just do things after xmas? you’re pestering me even though i’ve just told you loads of times I’m doing other things right now. it’s just getting ing ridiculous.’.

I’m wondering if part of the issue was the gift giving itself. I know at the christmas dinner he said he felt nervous about his gift because he didn’t think it was any good, and that he thought I might be disappointed. His friends were even mocking him about it and he said he was already pre-planning ‘making it up to me’. He had half suggested giving it to me then to ‘get it over with’. So I’m not sure what to make of that. Especially as I spent ages picking a thoughtful gift I knew he’d love (I bought him his favorite teams football which had been signed by some of the players in a charity auction a few weeks ago).

I was really upset. What upset me the most was that if he had let me know in advance, or said sorry, it wouldn’t have been a bit issue. But if I hadn’t have texted him he would have bailed on the plan we had already made to meet and exchange gifts without so much as an explanation or an apology- I would have been left sitting there not knowing what was going on and then gone away for three weeks. It also upset me that he snapped ‘why can’t we just do things after xmas’ because he hadn’t suggested that AT ALL. All he said was no I’m busy without making future arrangements.

I should also add that during the exchange I tried to call him twice so we could speak properly about it and both times he rejected mt call. I’ve also been really open with him in the past about his depression if he’s having a bad day or needs some space just to let me know what’s going on and I’ll understand- but that it isn’t okay just to ignore me because it makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong and it upsets me. That’s why I’m kind of unsure if I upset him him in some way initially so he ignored me, or if he really was busy and having a tough time and I upset him by ‘pestering’ him in his words.

Now we haven’t spoken since and I have not clue what to do. At the time I felt like I’d done nothing wrong but now I don’t know if I should just apologize to keep the peace. It’s horrible that he hasn’t reached out and I don’t know what to do- if I should reach out to him first or keep playing the waiting game.

We haven’t broken up as far as I know , he’s the kind of guy who would be up front about it- and also I think he wouldn’t have mentioned doing the gift thing after Christmas. But that kind of makes it more frustrating.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like two things happened. First, you were disappointed at the lack of attention he was giving you. And second, you were a little aggressive with him about getting a particular response, and when he told you he was busy, instead of accepting that, you argued with him. If you read back what you wrote, I think you’ll see where it could seem like arguing to him, even though you didn’t intend to getting into a fight with him.

So, let’s talk about the first thing that happened — your disappointment at the amount of attention he was giving you. There are lots of times in relationships when couples disappoint each other. The holidays are rife with opportunities to disappoint, as well as please, and gift giving can be a stress point, which it sounds like it was and is. When you’re disappointed, you can let him know — or you can decide whether or not this is an issue you want to shed light on. Sometimes pointing out your disappointment makes things worse because the guy will feel like he’s failed — on top of your feeling disappointed, so instead of just one of you upset, now there are two of you upset. If this is a recurring issue, then there are ways to deal with it, but just because you’re upset about something doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to share your feelings with him.

Second, I really believe you didn’t think you were arguing with him, but when he says he’s busy and you keep telling him how you’re busy too — but you manage to find time for him, or that he should tell you what’s upsetting him — or just trying to get to the bottom of things, when he doesn’t want to go there, makes a mountain out of a molehill. There’s an old saying about catching more flies with honey than vinegar, and if you really want his attention, instead of complaining about not getting it, consider using positive reinforcement instead. In other words, compliment him. Tell him what he does right, and how much you care about him — instead of complaining.

I hope that helps — let me know if you any other questions.

[Member]

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