[AmberLynn8393]

I am very much in love of almost 7months. He has had lots of personal and family issues growing up. He used illegal drugs to cope with his life. He has no idea what to do in life. He never has any opinions on anything. Growing up he let everyone around him make every decision for him, and he always did it because staying high and keeping everyone else happy was easier than facing it. If he, does actually have any,thoughts he keeps them to himself. He wantes me to choose everything, I want to be a partenership, not a dominating one. He is always depressed and thinks he’s not good enough for anything. He says he doesn’t know how to be happy. He says he can’t do anything right, that he’s a fuck up. He is really very very smart, he’s sweet, loving, gets along my family and friends, makes me feel like i’m the best woman in the world. I think part of it is due to feeling worthless and neglected because of his mother. He is unable to hold or get a job because when he was born he had FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrom) his mom was an alcoholic and drank while pregnant. I don’t know much about his life with his parents, I know they are divorced dad remaried, he lives with his dad and his mom lives a ways away and shes dying. He’s the love of my life but he hides all of himself from me. I want to make him happier. Please don’t tell me to move on, because I can’t do that. I truely believe he’s the one, the other half of my soul. I’ll do whatever it takes to make him as happy as he makes me. Please, help me help him… I don’t know what to do! I hate seeing him suffer, and I don’t know how to help!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both?

[AmberLynn8393]

He is 25 as of last August and I’m 21.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it. Thanks for filling me in.

So it sounds like you’re 21 and you have a relationship problem. The problem is that you have a 25 year old boyfriend who is not happy, and you want him to be happy. The current reasons he has for unhappiness seem to be his unemployment and substance abuse. Did I get that right?

So, here’s how I can help you: You have to understand that it’s not just normal, but it’s [i]reasonable[/i] for an unemployed drug addict to be unhappy. You’re being unrealistic expecting someone with this lifestyle to be happy. So if you want to stay with him, first thing you have to do is be more realistic about life and adjust your attitude towards him. If people are unemployed and addicts, it’s normal for them to be unhappy. And, if he’s truly your soulmate and you’re going to stay with him forever, you need to adjust your outlook on life. 😉

Now, if [i]he[/i] wants to change his present circumstances, it sounds like there are two issues he can work on. One is getting and keeping work, so he can get his own apartment, and the other is managing his addiction. What [i]you[/i] can do is: 1)You can encourage his sobriety by suggesting he go to any type of 12 Step programs, AA programs, medical programs — you can research and let him know what resources are available for him in his neighborhood. 2) And you can go to Al-Anon meetings, yourself, to support him. But if he doesn’t want to go, you need to accept that.

It’s not fair to date someone and then expect them to change. 😕 You can offer help, but you can’t make someone do what you want them to do because [i]you[/i] want it.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go. 🙂

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