[Auslander1]

Dear April:

I have never really considered asking for advice online before, so I hope this doesn’t sound out of place. I want to provide the context: My fiancée and I have been together for 6 years, we are accustomed to sharing everything in life. We have suffered from bouts of sometimes heavy fighting over the years, but nonetheless have a deep bond and true love. We talk of marriage, children, and growing old together.

Trouble has come in the last year because of a 1 year on a study trip I have taken abroad. I believed our relationship was strong enough to handle it, but maybe that was the wrong attitude to take in the first place – she has struggled with feelings of abandonment and anger and I have uttered the most heartfelt apologies of my life for the damage that this trip, and my absence, has done to our relationship. It truly reduced me to sorrow and tears to see a strong relationship made weak, and my fiancée saw this and, after some difficult talks, forgave me.

(Detail about the 1 year trip decision – I didn’t explain this in much detail for the reason that it is something we disagree about. According to my version, we talked about this trip for up to 1 year before I actually left and we had substantial meaningful talks about it. According to her version, it was known for 1 year in advance during which time we never had substantial talks about it.)

Toward the end of my time away, something else emerged. She has always seemed to me modest and traditional, even conservative, when it comes to sex and her body: like many women, that is something between man and wife and ‘why would I share that with anyone else but you?’ is the sort of attitude I have always perceived. I didn’t guide or prefer that attitude necessarily, that’s just what I have perceived. Suddenly one day , at the very end of my time away, she tells me on skype that she wants to do model nude for an art class – shocker – and by the end of the week, this had changed to posing in an erotic photo series with a male photographer she had just met on the internet. Reasons given included (paraphrasing): ‘I like doing things no one else does’ ‘I feel like my life is on hold and I want to be able to do things to’ ‘I won’t be young and have this body forever’ ‘This is an opportunity and I’m tired of wasting opportunities’ ‘This is a way to earn money because work isn’t good at the moment.’

For me, the situation suggested there was something more, that her sexuality needed some outlet since things haven’t been so stimulating with me being gone for a year. But she tells me I am wrong about that and is irritated by the suggestion, even when I say that I could accept that if it was true and if she told me that sexuality was part of it.

(Detail about the type of photos – I really do not think that these photos can be safely hid behind the word ‘art’ and all is well and good now. When she does these photoshoots, she does 3 types of photo with the photographer ‘artistic, glamour and erotic’ all 3 are in the nude, and all three aren’t called artistic. The erotic type are different from softcore-porn *in name only* and since this photographer is involved in the adult industry, I have made it clear to my fiancée that he may re-purpose her photos for the porn industry. She doesn’t really know what he might do with them, and really doesn’t seem to care.)

The problem area is this:

i) My view: In my view, this constitutes an expression of my fiancée’s sexuality – her breasts and genitals are exposed to a camera man who photographs these parts of her body in detail for the purposes of making sexually arousing material for men to enjoy. Because this involves an aspect of her sexuality -in my opinion!-, her naked body, being enjoyed by other people, I consider my acceptance of this to be entailing a “minor open relationship.” Meaning, not sex with other people like in a full open relationship, but using the body to stimulate other people sexually, like exhibitionism or like participating in erotica. Because I view this as an opening of the relationship, to a minor degree, I asked that we establish ground rules. The first ground rule I asked for was that the relationship be prioritized above modelling – i.e. if I accept this, but find out somewhere down the road that it brings me turmoil to see her doing this activity, that it hurts our relationship, she agree to stop modelling in that event. My basic premise is that, if this is something that requires my acceptance, a matter of sexual expansion and expression, and we are doing it together (it entails her acceptance AND mine), it should never be in a position to endanger our relationship.

ii) Her view: It’s difficult to describe since I don’t fully understand it, but the attempt has to be made. She has told me that she does not see this as a sexual thing but ‘its an opportunity and it makes me feel better about myself.’ When I bring up the topic of accepting her new sexual expression, which I say I would like to have an open mind about (if I could be reassured about a few things), she seems to express to me that there is no difference in these photoshoots than if she had her clothes on – it’s art, it’s photography ‘so what?.’ And if 1 man or 1 thousand men masturbate to her photoshoots, that’s up to them and again ‘so what?’. The realization that her photos may be put on porn sites is no trouble to her at all, and she doesn’t really ask for my acceptance of that. The real difficulty we have had is in my asking for reassurances, like ground rule number 1, and establishing that any of this requires my acceptance at all. For weeks when I open my mouth about this and begin to explain that I have some concerns, she has aggressively insisted on her ‘right to make her own choices in life’ and explains her views of how I am being controlling, hypocritical, that I don’t care if she is happy. Eventually, I managed to explain that if she could assure me that she would stop for me someday if I really need her to, than I would accept it and try and be open minded..and she eventual accepted this, which is ground rule number 1. But it is still a very touchy subject and if I ask her if she feels okay with ground rule 1, she is irritable and says ‘you won already, now stop talking about it.’

I do keep bringing it up day after day because I think if she really agreed with my relationship reasoning, she wouldn’t be hostile when it is discussed, and if she doesn’t agree with my relationship reasoning on certain important levels, that leaves me kind of worried..

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

Just a couple of things before I give you my advice:

How old are you both? And when did you get engaged? Also…. is there a wedding date?

I’ll answer your questions with that information….

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[Auslander1]

April: I am 33 years old, she just turne 24. We have been engaged for 3 years, there is no wedding date yet – mainly this is because of the money involved. Neither of us have alot of money, surprisingly, this is not an issue between us really. I don’t lack a long term plan to address this situation, I am student in a university program that is quite lengthy however. Also, she deeply feels the want to have a child with me, despite our significant interpersonal issues and current lack of money. Thanks for your time and perspective.

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

Got it.

It sounds like there’s more going on here than just the question of her modeling nude. The thing is, you’re a 33 old student with no graduation date in sight, who proposed but won’t set a wedding date because you don’t have enough money. 😕 What that sounds like is that marriage and the relationship aren’t priorities for you. Because she’s newly 24, and after six years together (you must be one of her first boyfriends), three of them engaged, no wedding in sight, and the topper being your leaving her for a year of study abroad, she’s acting out and trying to get you to change your course of direction. When you won’t — because I don’t think you will — she’s going to eventually leave the relationship. That’s what the nude modeling is about. She wants attention that she’s not getting from you. 😉 Her cavalier attitude about it is because she doesn’t care about the consequences of porn or where her photos end up — she cares about getting herself out of the relationship, and she isn’t able to do it gracefully. This is her exit route….

I hope that helps.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
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And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

How are things going? Just wanted to check in….

[Member]

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