[Curt75]

Okay, so I am 34 and my GF is 31. We have been with eachother exclusively for a year this month. Recently she asked if I would help her fix up her computer which required backing up and reinstalling the operating system. As she is very almost OCD about organization and as such all her photos are labeled by year, category, persons bame ect… She has a folder named “Individuals” in which there are lone pictures of individual people. Among those people are a handful of pictures of friends, family and the like and a rather large collection of 20+ ex boyfriends. Snooping around, and I was by this point I recognized a couple names of guys she talks to fairly regulary and calls “friends”. I clicked on and opened a couple of these photos and found pictures of these guys who I now realize are men she has dated and been with sexually. These pictures are not memories of times spent together and are instead lone pictures of these guys with their shirts off and such. I noticed my stomach take a sort of plunge as I wondered why she would want these pictures and so many of them. I also concluded that many of these pics are of men she was with before and between long term relationships of which those too are documented in the same manner. Inside each folder named religive to the man inside was an additional folder named “other” and inside these folders are graphic pictures of things like penises, masturbation, erections ectera. After going through many of these folders named after these men I then found a folder called “Cock Barn” in which I found quite simply, many pictures of well… You can imagine. I have so many questions in my mind right now I can’t even prioratize them. Why? Why keep pictures of men she hasn’t seen in years? Why keep them at all? Does she look at them and if so for what? And if not then why have them at all? What doeas this say about us? What kind of girl am I with? Seeing these pictures has left me feeling like a number. It’s as though I, in that moment, went from feeling like we have something special to feeling like I am just another cock for the barn. Is there any legitimate reason to want to have such a collection? I too have certainly had pictures of woman on my cell phone ect.. and in fact did when I first met and started dating my gf but it wasn’t more than a couple of months at best later that I had deleted them. They were useless to me, presented a risk of being seen and sending a bad message to her and didn’t make me feel good when I seen them anyway. I guess I also need to know what to do. I want to put this behind me but I am having a hard time with that being that there are these unanswered questions. I want to ask her why but she can be a little confrontational at first and something tells me that if these pictures have survived so many men and a couple long term relationships, that I may be wasting my breath. I just don’t get it.

[Ask April Masini]

This isn’t the norm and you need to ask her why she has this collection of photos and what it means for her. That’s the only way you’re going to get answers to your very legitimate questions.

I’m not a psychiatrist or a psychologist, but someone who has obsessive compulsive disorder (or tendencies thereof) is usually trying to control feelings that are out of control. I suspect you’ve hit on the tip of the iceberg and there is a lot more to be revealed about the woman you’ve been dating for a year. Clearly, if she’s very organized, she is very capable of hiding secrets. It’s time for you to get to know her secrets and the only way to do so is to be honest and ask.

Don’t be afraid of her getting angry — you deserve some answers. There may be an explanation that is understandable, but unless you ask, you won’t know.

I hope that helps — let me know how it goes and what you find out.

And join me on Facebook. I’d love to have you as a member of AskApril.com on Facebook. Here’s that link: [url][/url].

[Curt75]

So… I talked to her about it. I was apprehensive about asking because I like her very much and really was affraid this could be a catalyst to end our relationship or just to change it for the worse. When I brought it up she acknowledged that they were there and there was no denial or anger. She listened to me explain that I had come across them and how it made me feel and my concerns about that and then she asked if I would like her to delete them. She said that she had more or less completely forgotten that they were there, that it was from single times and ment absolutely nothing to her. She didn’t hesitate for a second, was completely concerned with my feelings and being sure that I understood and felt how much I mean to her. Admittedly, a past relationship with a woman who was always keeping secrets, had hidden agendas and lies has caused me to have distorted expectations of how things like this should go. I’m working past that but it still affects me for sure. I think that perhaps my complete surprise at her open, caring and honest reaction to me is proof that I have a ways to go still. I found a great woman. Thank you so much for your advice. All I needed to do was talk to her. All I could do was talk to her.

[Ask April Masini]

Well, I’m certainly very glad that went so well for you. Thank you for sharing more about YOUR past which makes the picture more clear. Your fear of finding out something disturbing or angering someone who’s trying to cover up a truth by exposing it – by simply asking about it, is understandable. But the only way to heal yourself from this old scar is to continue to face your fears and be afraid, but don’t let that fear stop you from doing the right thing. In this case, the right thing was to ask your girlfriend the questions you had about her life — even though you were afraid she might unleash anger on you or lie further. What you got was an open and honest answer without anger or blame – in fact it sounds like she appreciated your concerns and met your more than halfway in making an adjustment to make the relationship a more positive one.

Nice work!!

I hope you’ll join me on Facebook. Here’s the link for AskApril.com on Facebook: [url][/url].

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