[SZS]

Hi April I have been with my boyfriend J for 5 years ,and we have 2 kids.We have had our ups and downs ,but we love each other alot .The problem is that I started college in May of this year and developed feelings for a guy that was in my class (let’s call him S) ,and I’m pretty sure S has feelings for me as well because he has told a couple of our mutual friends .Since J and I have been together I have never really looked that way at another man ,but for some reason I Can’t get S off my mind.I have talked to my boyfriend about my feelings for this other man and he wants me to do what’s right for me ,but I am really confused.Do I really want to throw away what I have with my boyfriend for a guy i have only known for 4 months? I see S often at school and each time I can tell we have alot of chemistry between us ,but then again what I have with my boyfriend is comfortable.Please help me April..My boyfriends and I sex life has gone down the drain because my feelings are mixed up.By the way I have never cheated on my boyfriend with S ,but have had thoughts about it sadly enough.Sometimes I am really unhappy in my relationship with my boyfriend ,and wonder what it would be like with S?Should I just push all feelings for S out of my mind?My heart is so confused.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry you’re confused and upset. 😳 It sounds like you’re all 24 years old and you and your boyfriend have a family together. Since you’ve started college, you’ve met this other guy and you have a crush that’s become a distraction — so much so that you’re thinking of leaving your boyfriend for this crush. The best advice I can give you is to try and gain some perspective. College is a very romantic milieu. It’s typically a huge gathering of single people who are all available, young, interested in social and intellectual exchanges and are open to experimenting. Some people marry college boyfriends — others use college as a time to experiment romantically and sexually. You’re coming into this whole new world, and you’re affected by it. I get it. It would be hard not to! Student/professor romances are legendary. College students who try out different sexual partners is typical. And you’ve got a crush on a guy who is probably crushing on you back. There’s no crystal ball to tell you whether this guy is a temporary crush, a fling, a potential date or boyfriend, or your soul mate. What I can tell you is what’s at stake. Your two children are counting on your family until for stability and while this may not be fair, most of life isn’t. 😉 You have responsibilities to your kids and to the family you’ve created with their father, so if you break up with their dad to follow this crush, they will be affected. This sets you apart from most of the other college students at your campus.

My advice is to accept the crush and enjoy it. Flirting is different from cheating, and the reality is that this guy hasn’t asked you out and may shy away from doing so when he finds out you’ve got a commitment to kids — or he may not! The thing is, you don’t know. And you don’t have to act on your crush. There will be many times in a long-term relationship where you will find someone else attractive or flirtatious, and it doesn’t have to mean your primary relationship is in jeopardy. Flirting is not the same thing as kissing, making out or having sex. It can be fun and innocent.

Next, understand that a longterm relationship takes work. You have two kids and you’ve been with their dad for five years, at age 24. You’re probably both exhausted from parenting, working, going to school, and you’ve let the relationship slip to the back of the line. You need to reinvigorate your romantic and your sex life with your boyfriend in order to give this crush less weight. If you don’t work on your primary relationship, it’ll be easy for distractions to take precedence. Make date night a priority. Don’t freak out if you’re not in the mood — but do get a babysitter to take the kids so you can have a relaxing spa night at home or bottle of wine under the stars together without parenting duties pressing.

The bottom line is that your confusion is a guide — it’s telling you that you’re not sure. And because you have kids and their father at stake, don’t act unless you’re sure. Or at least more sure, that the relationship you have with their father isn’t going to work out. It really sounds like this crush came along at a vulnerable time in your primary relationship, and you gave it more weight than you maybe should have. If you and your boyfriend had been fighting for years and talking about breaking up and there’d been abuse going on, it would be a different story, but it really sounds like you need to give your relationship with the boyfriend more attention before seriously considering the other guy.

I hope this helps. 🙂

[Member]

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