[Happygirl]

My husband flirts, physically. We have a very strong relationship, healthy attraction, good sex life and trust each other. I even trust him to the point that I know he will flirt, I know when he will do it and WHY he does it. He wants to feel attractive and see if he can “pull” a woman. The problem is, it’s hurting me. We talk about it when it happens and he’s no longer telling me it’ll never happen again. Common denominators : Alcohol, public place, with his guy friends or business associates- especially if they’re single. We are both in the same industry- I drive racecars. He owns a company that sells parts internationally. It’s a party crowd. We usually wind up travelling together but sometimes it’s a business-only trip (usually to a race) and he would prefer I stay home (not with the intention to go flirt- he really means to do business). I came out on the second night of one of his trips that was originally “for business” but after a wild opening night, he invited me. What I came out to was an angry manufacturer who he does massive amounts of business with and who is our personal friend….whose wife my husband spent the night groping and hitting on- mutually. The manufacturer wanted to go to a fully nude strip club (with his wife in tow). I found out about this when I turned up the next day. (Wish he wouldn’t go, but I’m not wacky about it). The manufacturer got ahold of me alone and said “Your husband was sloppy drunk last night and disappeared from the club right after my wife did. For hours. He better not have fucked my wife.” He was mad. He spent the evening eeking out all the details and confronting both of them in a not so nice way- asking smart questions and making statements obviously intended to have me join the “mad at our spouse club”. For instance- he sat the two of them together on the opposite side of the table, next to each other, with me on the other side of my husband. Then he asked me if my husband had told me about being the “meat” in a sandwich last night. He was sitting on the manufacturer’s wife’s lap and grinding on her while a fully nude stripper was grinding on his lap. Then he dropped that they closed the club down, well, he and a friend did, that my husband and his wife left earlier. (I’ve decided they didn’t have sex.) I’m just trying to figure out how to deal with this happening. It’s quite often. And with him travelling to Vegas and other trade shows solo, he will be in this position a lot- and he never fails to act this way. Never sex, but a lot of physical flirting (it’s even gotten down to him kissing another woman who was on his lap- while I was there) (and he almost got into a fight with an angry husband when MY husband refused to stop hitting on the guys poor bewildered wife). I know he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. And that makes it worse. I can put my foot down and insist on going to all the business events- I was going before we met- but that would cause contention with his partners, who do not want to bring their wives ever or are single. I don’t know what to do. Is there any mindset I can use to help me deal with this? He knows he needs to not drink as much when he goes out- he thinks he’s fine and the next thing he knows, he’s gone and hit on some woman again. He wakes up and everyone is mad at him. He wakes up and I’m upset again. I know one day he’s going to wake up in someone’s bed and he’ll regret it. What do I do to help us both out. I thought I was doing okay but last night he asked me to stay home while a single friend and him went to a sports bar. His friend texted me that a hot girl and her friend were sitting at the bar and he wants to go talk to them. I think he thought I’d encourage him. But all I could think about was girl #2. I immediately got in the car and headed up there. It made me ashamed of myself that I got so scared that it’d happen again that I actually SHOWED UP. They were happy to see me and I went and broke the ice with the girls for our single friend. I needed to avoid feeling that way again so close to the weekend with the manufacturer’s wife. This is painful for both of us. He is a drinker, and sorrowfully, that is not going to stop anytime soon. I don’t want advice on that part-I already know it. And no one gives advice without saying “he has to stop drinking”. It’s not in my control. I want to work with what I can. We’re both in our lower 30’s, and this went on before we married. I married him with eyes wide open.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very candid when you write that this problem happened before you married him, and you knew about it and married him anyway. 😳 That candidness is going to help you — eventually.

However, since you know how he behaved before you you married him, and you didn’t see him change his behavior before you married him, it’s unrealistic for you to think he’s going to change after you married him, simply because you married him. 🙁 When men are ready to marry they start behaving in certain ways that show you they’re ready to be married, for instance, they stop acting like single guys and start hanging out with couples, or other guys who are married, and they stop behaving like bachelors. Your husband is still acting like a single guy. So it’s unrealistic for you to expect him not to. In other words, he’s not going to.

Clearly, he has an alcohol problem, and that’s not something you can set an ultimatum and have him fix it as a result. Alcoholics have to decide that they want to change their behavior for themselves. They’re not really that interested in other peoples’ feelings. They care more about the relationship they have with the substance — in this case, alcohol — than they do about their relationships with other people. Often, they have to hit a low point or a “bottom” before they realize that their life is in shambles because of their behavior, and that they want to change. Right now, he’s not close to that point.

Finally, I trust that he knows he’s hurting you — and doesn’t care. That’s very sad, but you need to be as candid with yourself as you have been with me. His love for you isn’t stopping him from hurting you — and when people have feelings and incongruent behavior, their behavior is what defines them, not their protestations of love. 😳

I don’t think that you can get him to change unless, possibly, you change your own behavior. Right now, you’re enabling him. You’re making excuses for his behavior, and you’re doing what he tells you even though you know it’s not right. In fact, you haven’t really asked me a single question here…. and you don’t have to. What you want to know is how to change your life, and the answer is by YOU doing things differently — not expecting him to.

I hope that helps.

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[Happygirl]

I’m happy in the relationship, and quite frankly, can handle his antics. Something happens and it wreaks havoc on me for a while and then I don’t allow it to. The issue is that I don’t know what preventative measures I can take to help him stop this crap. He realizes that there is a huge internal issue and knows I’m willing to wait it out for him. BUT I am not willing to be married to a man who has sex with other women. We have a nasty, ironclad pre-nup that states that if we divorce I get half of the valuation of his portion of his company. With the amount that totals to and with him knowing that sex outside the relationship will result in divorce, you’d think he would play it safe. How do I help him with the insecurities? How do I answer “I just like to flirt. I don’t know why.”?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]I’m happy in the relationship, and quite frankly, can handle his antics.[/quote]

Hmmmm…… 😯

I don’t believe you’re happy in the relationship. I think you want to be, but it’s hard to imagine any woman would be in the one you’re describing. And your husband’s antics aren’t things you “handle” as much they’re things he does, and you stand by and watch them happen. What you’re “handling” are your feelings — not his behavior. So, until you can’t handle your feelings, you’ll probably stay in this. But it doesn’t seem like it’s going to get better unless you change your behavior. He’s the same guy he was before you married, and for some reason, now, you’re talking about your feelings. I’m not sure why, now, but something seems to have changed for you.

[quote]The issue is that I don’t know what preventative measures I can take to help him stop this crap.[/quote]

[u][i]You[/i] can’t make [i]him[/i] stop. He’s an adult, and he’s got an alcohol problem. You can change your behavior, but you can’t make him change his. He is the only one who can do that.[/u]

[quote]BUT I am not willing to be married to a man who has sex with other women. [/quote]

That ship has pretty much left the dock… If he’s in a “meat sandwich” where he’s grinding on a woman at the same time a stripper is grinding on him…. and this woman’s husband said that your husband and this guy’s wife disappeared for hours…. and he’s verbalized his concern that they had sex — it’s really just a matter of time before you get the evidence you need. I don’t mean to make you feel badly about this — but it’s important for you to be honest with yourself.

[quote]…With the amount that totals to and with him knowing that sex outside the relationship will result in divorce, you’d think he would play it safe… [/quote]

No — you would play it safe. I would play it safe. But an alcoholic is usually not going to play it safe. Alcoholics care more about their relationships with their substances than they do about their relationships with money, people, etc. Alcoholics lose fortunes, marriages, kids — all kinds of things — because of the disease. I know it’s hard for you to put yourself in his shoes, but he’s not operating with the same tools you are.

[quote]How do I help him with the insecurities? [/quote]

I don’t know what insecurities you’re talking about — unless you’re trying to say that he drinks because he’s insecure about himself and by getting drunk and acting sexual with other women, he feels more secure — that’s not something you can help him with. That’s his own problem to sort out. But you can stop enabling him by being okay with “his antics” and his bad behavior. When you “handle it” by being okay with it, it validates that behavior for him, and that’s bad. 😳

[quote]How do I answer “I just like to flirt. I don’t know why.”?[/quote]

You don’t. They aren’t questions. They’re statements. He’s telling you who he is and what he does. He’s not asking for help. And that’s the problem. 😳

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