[Drey]

April,

I am so stuck in love with my boyfriend of 10 1/2 years but the past 6 years of our relationship has been plagued with his mom and ex wife. His mother insists that his ex wife will always be his wife and she tells him this often. He and his ex have no children. Over the years his mom has built a strong relationship with his ex. When we first started dating her house was a “shrine” to his ex wife. Pictures were everywhere. I admit I felt uncomfortable, yet I knew it was his moms house and not his house. They have been divorced almost 15 years. She has been married, has dating and lived with at least 5 partners since their divorce. A couple of years ago her daughter passed. And she left 2 children. My boyfriend insist on calling the children his grans I’m ok with that. But it keeps him and his ex wife connected. She calls sometimes after 8p and she doesn’t respect me. We have been at events where she is present and you would think they were strangers. Not a word ever passed between them. This makes me uncomfortable. Why can’t they acknowledge each other when I’m around. I have talked with him about this he insist she doesn’t call that much and besides she has a boyfriend. I couldn’t take it anymore. I went to speak with her boyfriend to see how he felt about their secret relationship. He was at work so I was unable to speak with him. Well, he called the other day and I explained to him how I felt. She was on the phone listening in. She began to blurt out how stupid I was because my boyfriend is madly in love with me. I simply repeated to her to leave us alone. To just go on. Because before her daughter died there was another excuse for their contact. Well my boyfriends mom got involved and told him he should call it off with me, because I don’t understand his relationship with his wife. I called the whole thing off with him. He was actually angry that I left him. He says that if he wanted to be with her he would have stayed.

I can’t deal with their warped beliefs nor his mom and ex wife.

I love him really do. I don’t know what to do. Advice please.

[AskApril Masini]

Fill me in a little more! 🙂 Like, how old are you both, and were you living together? If so, how long? Engaged? Going to marry?

What did the ex-wife do?? You said that problems started 6 years ago in the 10 year relationship you had with your now ex-boyfriend. But you only mentioned that she sometimes calls him after 8 pm and that she didn’t speak to him at social events when you were present. So, I’m a little stumped…. these don’t seem like reasons for a big blow out or break up. Maybe you’re leaving something out. You said that they had a secret relationship — but I don’t get that from your post. Details, please! 🙂

The only thing I can tell you is that if you’re having a problem with your boyfriend, you shouldn’t call your boyfriend’s ex-wife’s boyfriend to discuss the situation. That was you creating drama and stirring the pot. The problem isn’t with your boyfriend’s ex or his ex’s boyfriend. It’s between you and him, and that’s where the problem solving should lie. 😉

Fill me in a little more, and I can help you further, if you’d like.

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[Drey]

I am 46 and my boyfriend is 49. His ex is 53. We don’t live together. No we are not engaged. We have talked about marriage. I have a daughter in med school and we are waiting for her to graduate and my son is graduating high school this year. After those things happen I feel I would be ready to take on a marriage. The reason I called her man is because I felt he should know that she has a problem moving on. the first time she called I was not aware that they communicated. He has told me that every relationship he has had before me his ex has had a hand in the break up. I thought I could handle her if she ever came up. I don’t have a problem with them conmunicating I have a problem when she can call him in the background but in my presence she doesn’t acknowledge him. My brother married her first cousin. She attended the wedding. When she came in she walked past, to me if she was upfront she would have said hello to both of us and then proceeded. As I stated before the grandkids were her last resort. she moved back to the city and called his mother to tell him she couldn’t get her lights turned on because he had an outstanding utility bill in his name. His mother asked for the divorce papers so the wife could prove they were divorced. Prior to this his mother called me to ask me if I thought they were really divorced, because men lie. So I know they were lieing about the utility company needing the divorce decree. It doesn’t work that way. At the time they were divorced about 7 years. His mother does the dirty work, his mother has a lot of influence on him. His sister called me one day and told me she never knew her mother and the ex wife had such a close relationship. She stated that when they were married the ex didn’t have anything to do with the family including his mother. Now they are partners in crime.
I just think it is sneaky to be calling him. What are you all talking about and it’s been 15 or 20 years move on. Do something else. I know she is stuck. she has expressed to others that she wants him back. Since they have been divorced he has been involved in two long term relationships. Including this one with me. His ex used to leave letters, teddy bears and candy in his mailbox when we first started dating. The young lady before me left him because of his mother and ex. I have to admit his mother is a manipulator she knows he loves her and will take what she says as gospel. I know it was important to the mom for them to be cordial to each other, but this stuff about your ex will always be your wife is bull. His mother is a minister so her gospel is golden to him. Still in all that Why can’t she move on? I do trust him, I don’t trust her. And why is he not confortable with acknowledging their relationship? I didn’t start acting out until I saw that she couldn’t move on. Also when they split before the divorce he went back to her once because she called his mother and said she was having a mental breakdown and his mother told him to go and try it one more time. He did. And it didn’t work out so he filed for divorce. And since then it has been downhill for his relationships. I contacted her boyfriend because that man doesn’t know what trouble he is in for. The last time she called that guy was in the background asking her who she was talking to and she told him none of his business. I was listening in on that call. My guy told her he was at my house.
I was married 13 years, my ex spouse and I have a child together. We only communicate about our son. Very little communication. When he wants to talk to our son, he calls him. He respects my boyfriend if he does call. He will say hello to him and they will talk a little then he talks to me about what he called about, and every time its regarding our son. And my ex and I do not have any form of hostility towards each other. But there is some closure.

I can’t accept the sneaky underhanded stuff. I’m upfront and I am very open. I can handle their relationship. But acknowledge that you know each other and have a relationship.
Yes admit my guy is a whimp! But he wouldn’t have to be in this situation if she would just move on.

[AskApril Masini]

Got it.

My advice is that you if you want to get back together on him, figure out a way to [i]make him want[/i] to put you first and to take care of your emotional needs. 😎 Ultimatums, meddling in his ex-wife’s relationships and blaming his mother aren’t going to work. They’re just going to drive you further apart. On the other hand, if after 10 years of dating, you’re both waiting for your daughter to graduate medical school to get married 😯 …. you may want to consider that this is just an excuse he’s making to string you along, and you’ve bought into it, and he may not be someone who’s that into you — which is why he doesn’t put you first and make you feel more valued in the relationship.

After ten years of dating, it sounds like your boyfriend doesn’t make you feel secure, and so you’re projecting your anger and disappointment about the relationship onto his ex-wife and his mother. But this isn’t about them. 😕 It’s about [i]you and your boyfriend[/i] not being on the same page regarding his ex-wife.

I know you’re frustrated and angry and you’ve invested a lot of time and energy into your relationship with him, but unless you can change your own behavior, or decide that he’s just not that into you because of his, it’s not going to get better.

I hope that helps.

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[Drey]

Thank you Ms April for your reply. No my boyfriend and I actually get along pretty well until his mother and ex wife butt in. My Daughter graduates Med school on May 16th this year. I have decided to wait he wants to at anytime. My son graduates high schoolvnext spring 2016. I have reservations about marrying him, im nit going to be belittled and constsntly stalked by his ex. He is always attentive and has never strung me along. I guess I didn’t express all of the facts enough. I’m not an overly emotional woman. I don’t rant and rave. And I have never meddled in anyone else’s relationship. Aside from the mom and ex meddling in my relationship I’m secure with my guy. I guess this is something you are having a hard time grasping. He has a very manioulative mother. You would have to kniw them to understand. But I do thank you for your responses. Again thank you.

[AskApril Masini]

You’re very welcome. Good luck to you!

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