[lenovo]

I met this woman at a party a few months ago and we hit it off really well. However at the time I was in the middle of ending a year long relationship that I felt was not going anywhere. So I Was honest with this new girl, we will call her Jane and in told her about my current situation and she told me that if when I thought I was ready to move on I should contact her and see what’s up. So about 2 months went by as I put some distance between my breakup and wanting to contact Jane. I sent her a mess and she was thrilled to hear from me. It was like we picked up right where we left off. However a week or so into us talking and getting to know each other more, she said she needed to back off bc of some personal issues in her life and she didn’t want us to start off with her not being complete focused on us. I understood. I was bummed but I accepted it and once again we left it at when you’re ready Yada yada Yada. That no contact only lasted 48 hours and we were back to talking and hanging out (there has been no sex or anything like that yet. We simply wanted to get to know one another). So things were progressing really well. We were hanging out till all hours, holding hands, even had kisses a few times. It was slow going but again, I was ok with that as I didn’t want to rush this one bc it was becoming more and more clear that I was becoming very attached to her and vice versa. Then once again she did a 180. Said we shouldn’t talk bc she didn’t want to lead me on or hurt me. She explained it was bc her ex from a year ago started contacting her. He was horrible to her while they were together. Treated her bad, cheated on her, spread lies about her. But for some reason she can’t let go of her feelings for this guy even though she won’t get back together with him. She professed to me that she thinks I’m the most amazing man she’s ever met and that if she was in the right place mentally there would be no question about her and I being together. But for now she needed to focus on getting better. Once again I accepted her reasons and left the ball in her court. 12 hours passed and she contacted me telling me she missed me and couldn’t wait to see me. So we made plans to hang out and we did 2 days ago. It went really well and we connected so well. She called me 5 min after I dropped her off just to talk to me more and then we texted for about an hour after that with her telling me how wonderful and amazing I am and how well we work together. But now, 2 days later, she’s been a little standoff ish again. However she told me yesterday that her friend wants to hang out with us so she can meet me. I found that odd bc to my knowledge we aren’t even dating. I guess I’m just not sure how to get her to fully accept me as her boyfriend so we can move on and be happy. I know in my heart she is the one I’ve been looking for and she has pretty much said the exact same about me. So why then are we playing this game? I really don’t like games but she feels worth it to me to hang around a bit longer to see what the real deal is.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you want to be her boyfriend, then you have act like it. And if you don’t want to play games, then you shouldn’t participate in them. It’s that simple! 😉

I can give you some general dating advice that might help, and you can get more in the book I wrote for men called [b]Date Out of Your League[/b], [url]https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/date-out-of-your-league-april-masini/1016394885?ean=9780974676302&itm=1&usri=9780974676302[/url].

For starters, don’t be so available. When you’re texting multiple times a day within the first three months of dating, you’re not acting like a valuable boyfriend. You’re putting yourself deep into the friend zone. 😕 Less is more, and make sure your dates are dates, and not hanging out. This helps define the relationship so you don’t have to! 😉 And stepping back a little, remember to use the first three months of dating someone to get to know them and decide if you want to continue dating them. You should both be dating other people during this time because you don’t know each other well enough to commit yet. If, after the first three months, you want to continue dating, then use the second three months of dating to decide if you want to be monogamous or not. This takes the drama out of dating, and slows it down so you can really get to know each other and avoid jumping the gun. 🙂

Hope that helps!

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[lenovo]

I think I understand what you’re saying. I’ve backed off recently texting her so much and have started letting her text me first. But we still talk everyday. As far as acting like her bf, I’m not sure how to do that. I told her I wouldn’t push her if she wasn’t ready. I feel like I’d be going back against my word if I did. But then I also feel like if I act too much like her bf then I will push her farther away.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]I think I understand what you’re saying. I’ve backed off recently texting her so much and have started letting her text me first. But we still talk everyday. [/quote]

Limit your contact with her to just once a week, and make your dates together very special. When you talk every day, you’re more likely to fall into the friend zone, than you would be as a boyfriend who’s worth the wait. Less is more!

[quote]As far as acting like her bf, I’m not sure how to do that. [/quote]

I know that — which is why I gave you the advice about less contact, and the resource, [b]Date Out of Your League[/b], [url]https://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0974676306/qid=1075191419/sr=1-1[/url].You can buy it and read it, and get the help you’re looking for. 🙂

[quote]I told her I wouldn’t push her if she wasn’t ready. I feel like I’d be going back against my word if I did. But then I also feel like if I act too much like her bf then I will push her farther away.[/quote]

Now, you’re sounding wishy washy. 😕 You have to take a stand and be who you want to be. If you’re just reactive, you’ll never get what you want, at least not for very long. 😉 Be a boyfriend, or be stuck in the friend zone. You can’t do both. It doesn’t work.

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[lenovo]

Less is more. I got it. I did see her yesterday for a bit. But that was already planned. It went very well. So much so that we got asked how long we’ve been married. We played off it and went with it. And I ordered the book, thanks for that!! I will limit my contact and see how it goes. Thanks for all your help and advice!!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome. 😀

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[lenovo]

Just a quick update for you. We went to a hockey game on Saturday and then out for drinks after. When I took her home she invited me in. We stayed up and talked and laid holding each other on her couch. I ended up sleeping there with her in my arms. She told me she wants to be with me and that her feelings for me are strong. But then the next day after I got home, she called and told me she wasn’t ready and she was sorry bc she wished she was bc she knows we would be perfect for each other. So we took a bunch of steps forward and then jumped all the way back to square one. I haven’t really seen her or talked to her much since.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sounds like you should either move on, or if you’re still interested in her, play the field. This isn’t the one basket in which you want to invest all your eggs. 😉

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