[snf23]

Hi April,

So here’s the story.

I am 24 years old and I have never online dated before but decided to try it after being single for a year. I started talking to this guy who is 28 and we agreed to meet up a three weeks ago. Our first date was amazing – we automatically clicked, had so much in common, and ended up talking for 5 hours. We went on another date several days later (which he initiated) and then another one several days after that (so three dates in one week). I was having a great time and after a week he told me he wanted me to meet his friends, that he “didn’t think I was going anywhere” and “had a good feeling about us”, and that he was excited by our connection. I felt the same. We both discussed that we wanted to take it slow physically and emotionally, but that we were both eventually looking for a long-term relationship down the road. Looking back, I definitely expressed my feelings more, but only because I thought he felt the same but just wasn’t as expressive, being a man and all.

We didn’t see eachother for a week after that because we were both busy, but we texted everyday which 90% of the time he initiated. We had our 4th date last weekend and spent the whole day together. Things were moving a bit fast, which usually would have scared me, but I took it as a good sign that it felt right between us. Although I didn’t mention a specific time to meet my family, we briefly talked about the potential of that and he seemed okay with it. In that conversation he made several comments alone the lines of “Someday when I meet your family..”.He also told me he wanted to get tickets for us to go to a event several weeks from now, which I took as a good sign. I’ve never moved this fast before, but I’ve also never met anyone I liked this much right off the bat and it didn’t feel strange. We left that date in a good place. The next day, he told me that he thought I was becoming more emotionally attached than him and he didn’t want to hurt me, and he wanted to end it now. It was very out of the blue for me, and I was a lot more hurt than I had expected to be two weeks in. He said he wasn’t sure if it was just moving too fast and that scared him, or if something was missing between us. I basically told him that I understood it moved fast but I thought he was okay with it because he went along with it and never said anything, and also that I was sad it was ending but I want to be with someone who wants to be with me, and wished him well.

A day later he told me that maybe I was right and if we slow it way down, he would be open to seeing me again. I decided to give him a second chance because I do feel such a strong connection with him and think we have potential, and we have made a casual date a few days from now. However, now I’m really worried things will be awkward and I don’t know how to slow it down after we were both moving so fast 2 weeks in. We kissed on the first date and now every date since then, we have kissed when we see eachother. Now I don’t even know if we should do that. We used to text all the time and we barely do anymore, but I don’t want to text him first for fear of scaring him away. How do I slow it down after moving so fast, while still keep him interested in me? I’m an over-thinker so this is hard for me, but I’m not sure if I should really let him take the lead on where this goes, or if I should somehow try to regain control. Please help, I really like this guy and want to do things right this time because I honestly believe we could have a future.

Thank you so much!

[AskApril Masini]

It sounds like his problem with the way things went are what you describe as moving too fast. I’m not sure what you mean by that except that you brought up his meeting your parents. That was a mistake so soon in the relationship. 😮 You should wait at least six months for that step! 😉 And although he initiated ninety percent of the texts, you should still make sure that your responses aren’t immediate, and are flirty and fun. 😎 Aside from that, I’m not sure what was moving so fast — maybe you can fill me in with some details. 😉

In addition, if you stay busy and continue to live a full life, I think you’ll feel less anxious about where this is going, and you’ll also seem more interesting and more of a catch to him. Guys want to chase after women and feel like they won over someone who’s desired by others. So be that woman!

And don’t forget that internet dating is great — but it’s competitive! It’s highly likely that he’s dating other women at the same time, which is appropriate this early in the relationship. You have to bring your A game if you want to win him over, and you have to consider your other options, too! Because you met on a dating site, he’s meeting other women as well, and you should be meeting other guys, too.

Lastly, don’t feel that you have to “regain control” of the relationship. Dating is a process in which you figure out if you want to continue dating someone! So try and enjoy and explore, rather than control and practice rigidity! Let him take the lead, because that’s what guys like to do, and that’s how you know they’re interested, and see if he’s really someone who’s compatible and continually interesting to you. 😀

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[snf23]

Hi April,

Thanks for your reply 🙂 What I meant by moving too fast is mostly the way we were around eachother so early on. We were already holding hands by the second date, doing couple things like snuggling during movies, etc. I even stayed over at his place (at his request) and though things didn’t progress physically, we had some very deep talks and we told eachother things that I wouldn’t expect until months down the road in a relationship. I know the parents thing was a big mistake and I regretted it almost immediately, but he was also the one initiating making plans in the future (up to a month in advance), and though he apologized for it later, at the time it lead me to believe we were BOTH comfortable moving fast when that clearly wasn’t the case and it freaked him out.

The only relationships I’ve ever had were in university, and I’m finding dating in the ‘real world’ tough to navigate. In university, you see eachother all the time and things move fast because that’s the atmosphere. Now that I’m trying to date someone who has a life I know nothing about, I honestly feel like I don’t know what to do which scares me. And it scares me even more that he does. I keep feeling like us having a connection so early on means something more, but maybe I’m reading too much into it and putting too much pressure on myself when we should be having fun at this stage. I guess I just want to start over with him but I know that I can’t, so I’m trying to find a way to backtrack a little bit to hopefully put us on a slower, healthier path towards a (possible) relationship in the future.

[AskApril Masini]

Gosh, the things you describe as “moving too fast,” like holding hands and snuggling during the movies, aren’t what I’d call moving too fast. They’re normal. 😉 Even staying over at his place during the first three weeks of dating isn’t moving too fast, in the scheme of things. It’s also normal. His making plans up to a month in advance isn’t moving too fast, either. He was excited. I think your wanting him to meet your parents after three weeks of dating a guy you met online, who’s presumably dating other women, was the problem here.

It sounds like you need to readjust your perspective on dating, since the only relationship you ever had was in college. And since you’re 24 now, that was a few years ago. I can give you a few pointers here, and if you like, you can buy and read Think & Date Like A Man, a book I wrote for women who want to be successful, dating. Here’s the link for the book: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. I think it will help you. It’s got some basics that people tend to forget, and some more complex concepts, too. As for what I can tell you here, dating is competitive, and being out of college, where there are a vast number of single, eligible men, is different than dating in the real world. Online dating is a great tool for meeting people, but you have to understand that when you meet someone online, you should assume he’s dating others as well as you because it’s so easy to meet people online. Letting the guy take the lead is a great idea, because it gives you a clearer idea of where you stand in his book, and it gives men the opportunity to do the chasing which is something they like to do. And look for clues that the relationship is really moving forward — for instance, he introduces you to his friends and his parents — which will let you know where you stand, beyond what he says. 😉

I hope that helps!

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