[Tls1974]

Hello. I’m new here to this. I’m looking for some opinions/guidance for my situation. My relationship is in shambles. My boyfriend and I have lived together for almost a year, been dating since September of 2013. We separated one time for about five months in 2014 and got back together. I looked back at our relationship and it has been very loving and positive until about 4 months ago. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for many years. I was a victim of a violent crime when I was a teenager and started having issues shortly thereafter. I was upfront with him about this and my troubles from day one. I had been doing really well until about five months ago. I have been in therapy before and also functioned without during my lifetime. This last time was not as easy. I started feeling my emotions slip and tried to battle it. I was very clear about this to my partner. Had a lot of stress happening and thought maybe that was the cause. Then social media got involved. I had asked him who a female was on his friends list, not upset or accusing just curious as I had see her tag him in a post with a few others before. He wasn’t truthful when I initially asked about her and when I explained I didn’t think he was truthful he came clean. He stated she was a ex he dated briefly 16 years ago. Ok fine. Sadly the lie crushed me. I felt he was being sneaky and we eventually had a horrible argument and I had a mental breakdown. I decided it was time to seek help as I felt I couldn’t regulate my emotions. This just threw more gas in the fire. So I started therapy for myself, my relationship and my overall well being. I’ve done therapy before. My therapist is wonderful. We have taken the time to establish trust and a program to help me. Through all this I started antidepressants and noticed a improvement (briefly) and I want to note we dug deep this time. About a month ago she gave me a diagnosis compared to what we worked with, my daily journal and things at home. The past month and a half have been turbulence at home. I have a mental illness, I’m wanting help so badly and every day I try. I haven’t been able to control my emotions and I’ve been difficult. I feel I’ve push him away. I don’t know if he feels relationships are expected to be perfect or if he realizes we all go through tough times. He is very shy, and not good at communicating. So I don’t know if I’m being insensitive. I want him to realize I haven’t always been out of control emotionally, this is not me but something that needs medical care. I feel I’m being abandoned because im going through a very tough time. He is very cold after our last argument a week ago. No violence or name calling, just no resolution to our issues. I feel that since I had a breakdown, I wanted to die and was rock bottom emotionally he has become very distant. How can I get him to see that I’m serious about getting well again and working diligently on our relationship? Thank you.

[AskApril Masini]

How old are you both?

[Tls1974]

I’m 42 he is 43.

[AskApril Masini]

Thank you for the extra information. It helps!

It sounds like you have some issues on your side of the street and he has some on his, and you’re frustrated because you feel that the communication isn’t the way you’d like it to be, and he’s not responding the way you’d like him to. Let me know if I got that right.

My advice about the communication is to create situations where you can talk without pressure. If you use the, “We have to talk,” line, expect him to stress out and clam up. But if you go for a bike ride together or walk in the park on a weekend together, it’s a great time to talk openly and exercise that channel of communication you want and don’t have. Communication doesn’t come naturally for everyone. You have to work at. My advice to you is to help create these opportunities through date night, exercise and doing errands together, so that you have these places where you can talk about anything and everything.

As for his shyness and sometimes coldness, you can see if you can be okay with him not responding the way you’d like him to all the time. It sounds like he’s got that same issue with you on his side of the street, so this is a great time for you to practice patience and understanding the same way you’d like him to do for you. Relationships are fluid and sometimes they’re up, sometimes down. If you can weather the dynamics, you’ll be better able to see the big picture and not focus on the little things.

I hope that helps.

[Member]

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