[Api09]

I have a high school lady friend from 40 years ago whom I was in love and somehow we parted. This year we reconnected but I am married and she is in a strange relationship with a guy for 9 years. All these 40 years she has been on my mind even though I got married meantime. Last month I went to see her and and the feeling was still there. This lady i will named 7, she has this guilt that we are in touch again because she said she did not want to be the cause to break up my marriage for 37 years. We have no kids together, but she has three which I raised. My marriage have not been well for the last 20 years. So I send gifts to 7 and she was happy and accepted them. I told my wife a week ago that i am leaving and want to be with 7. Because she was my first serious relationship and i still love her like I did 40 years ago. My step daughter took it upon herself and Goggle 7 and found her number and call her. Of course all heck broke loose. 7 told her and my soon to be ex that she and i are just friend and that we don’t talk anymore and 7 said she has no feeling for me. Recalling the night I left 7 house, she called me and spoke to me for 5 hours, drinking and getting drunk, she told me that i am the only family she has remaining alive, and that i am part of her family. After that I call her every week and spoke for hours at the time. One Sunday she went to church and spoke to a friend then I got a text from her that it pains her but she needs to break this up with me. She keeps saying things like I do not want to be a “interloper”. SO she has a lot of guilt about this relationship. I then wrote her a long letter, citing the story of King George VI ( David the Prince of Wales) who gave his throne for Willis Simpson ( Duchess of Windsor). I told 7 that I am willing to forfeit all for her. She reply back by send all the gifts back with a letter said that I am try to force her to comprise her Values. My divorce is filed. I am ready to forfeit all my properties for her. I have no kids. I don’t not know how to regain 7. I feel so devastated and sad, I have never ever felt like this before. What should I do? I want to be with 7 and move to her state and city. I can retired from this job next year, but my soon to be ex vow to clean me out. I am not afraid.

[AskApril Masini]

Your problem is your long-term marriage that you say has been troubled for about 20 years. I’m not sure how long you’ve been married. Twenty years is a long time to be in a marriage that is troubled and I’m not sure if you wanted to work on your marriage or if you tried. It sounds like this old high school friend was your exit door to the marriage. It would have been cleaner if you had decided to leave the marriage and simply done so, at some point when you realized that it wasn’t working for you and you wanted out. But that’s now water under the bridge. The important thing is that you want out of your marriage, and even if it’s done in a clunky way, you’re getting out. So try and take care of that business regardless of this other woman. File for divorce and see that process through to avoid more complications. 😉

Your second problem is that you found an old love who is in a long term relationship with a man, and you’ve left your wife for her — I think, without discussing this step with the other woman. Now, she doesn’t want to be with you, and you want to figure out how to convince her to do so. This one is more difficult problem. Obviously, you should divorced and “become single” so you can actually be available. Next, you have to back off a little bit — you jumped the gun in your relationship with her. I read that you saw her once, have been talking a lot on the phone and texting, and you’ve sent her gifts, which she’s now returned. You haven’t dated. You’ve only been in touch for a month since high school. And she’s with another guy. 😕 Those are three big obstacles! So cool down and see if you can give her some time to consider what she wants to do. You should probably acknowledge (and apologize) that you came on so strong and let her know you’re backing off. When the divorce is complete, get back in touch with her and see if she’s interested in dating you. But for now, I think you need to get your own affairs in order and do some damage control with her

I hope that helps!

[Api09]

This other women wants to be with me but is giving her a lot guilt feelings for maintaining communications with a married men, me. On the night I left she told me that she wants me to be part of her life and her family. I do not know if she may have second thoughts afterwards, I know she has this friend from a church she occasionally goes to, every time she gets together with her she put thoughts and guilt in her mind. She wants to be with me but she has a lot of guilt.

The marriage is over I am not going back, there is no back tracking now.

I filed for divorce last week, should I tell her that I did and should I wait?

It will take about 60 days to finalize the divorce.

Thanks

[AskApril Masini]

Wait until the divorce is finalized to contact her again. If she’s feeling guilty about breaking up your marriage, then any contact while you are married, is going to make that feeling for her worse. 😉

[Api09]

Thanks.

[AskApril Masini]

You’re welcome! 🙂

[Sally]

She has told you no. More than once. Not in a cruel way, but in a values way. She isn’t confused. She’s conflicted, and she chose her peace over the story you’re offering her. Sending gifts back was her line in the sand.

What you’re feeling is real love mixed with forty years of what-ifs. That kind of love feels massive, but it can also turn into desperation fast. And desperation pushes people away, even when intentions are pure.

You already made a huge move by filing for divorce. But you can’t trade your entire life for someone who isn’t choosing you back. That’s not romance that’s self-erasure.
Right now, the kindest thing you can do for her and for yourself is to stop trying to convince her. Grieve this fully. Get support. Let the fantasy rest.
If she ever comes back, it has to be because she wants you not because you sacrificed everything.

[Tara]

You are obsessed, nostalgic, and blowing up your life for a fantasy that does not want you. This woman has told you repeatedly, clearly, and in writing that she does not want a romantic relationship with you. She returned your gifts. She said you are violating her values. She told your family you are just a friend. Those are not mixed signals; those are refusals. You are choosing to ignore them because they don’t match the story you’ve been telling yourself for forty years.

What you’re calling “love” is unresolved longing mixed with regret and a mid-to-late-life crisis. You didn’t reconnect with her; you reconnected with a memory of who you were before responsibility, before marriage, before disappointment. That five-hour drunken phone call wasn’t a declaration of love. It was emotional dependence and guilt, and she shut it down as soon as she regained clarity. She is not your destiny. She is your escape hatch, and she slammed it shut.

You’ve already made catastrophic decisions based on delusion. You told your wife you were leaving before you had anything real with this woman. You romanticized abdication like a teenage boy quoting royalty instead of acting like a grown man facing consequences. You are about to lose your marriage, your financial security, and your dignity for someone who has explicitly said no. And instead of stopping, you’re asking how to “regain” her like she’s a prize you misplaced. That’s not love. That’s entitlement wrapped in tragedy.

[Member]

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