[Anonymous]

Where to start, my gf and I have been dating for 7 months and we have been VERY serious we have a great relationship and rarely fight ( I do have some jealousy and insecurity issues) but for the most part we have got along famously and both sides told the other side they were VERY happy. As alot of new couples do we kind of shut out our friends and spent most of our time together with a few exceptions. We have talked in the past few months of me moving in with her (not right away but within the next 9 months although the last 3 months I have spent most every night sleeping over at her place except when I have my kids then I go back to my own home) and eventually even marriage. She owns her own house and I rent with my mom she seperated Jan /09 and I have been seperated from my wife for 3 years but was in a long term relationship for 1.5 years prior to my current gf and I. I have 2 kids and she has one (adopted) they (our kids) have met and for the most part everyone gets along, the kids love the parents partner, however there is a little annomosity between my son 9 and her daughter 7 but that’s to be expected. Her daughter has ADHD and ODD, my gf is a school teacher (very dedicated to her job) she is also an awesome mom even though sometimes she has challenges with her daughter. Thats the Coles note version of our relationship to present.

My ex wfe and her bf who lives with her and our children have been having problems with our daughter where she does not like her mom’s bf at all, because originally when she wanted her bf to move she went to our daughter who is 16 an asked her opinion on him moving in and she flat out said she didn’t agree with it but the next week her mom moved her new bf in. I know this is a whole other ball of wax but it does tie in eventually.Her mom and bf started going to a counsellor to see how they should approach this situation and the counsellor suggested a family meeting including me so my ex for some un known reason called my gf cell (this happened last Friday) and the two were talking and my ex asked my gf to be part of this family meeting. My gf called me before she came to pick me up for dinner and told me about the conversation they had and she said she was uncomfortable with being asked (my daughter and gf are very close and she didnt want my daughter to feel she was ganging up on her) my gf has her masters in psychology and told me she has absolutely no problem giving me ideas and advise how to handle it from the back ground but wasnt comfortable with being part of it.

Last weekend (Friday night) and a non kids weekend for both of us as I said we went to dinner and discussed our days she was telling me how she went for lunch with her colleagues which they do every Friday and how she had a few drinks (they had a professional development day). Which I didnt react favourably to. We discussed it for a bit then went back to her house.

That night before bed my gf said ” she needs space” when I questioned her what this meant she told me she loves me very much but things have been allowed to get to strong too fast which as a rule is against her nature and mine as well but we both were swept up in each other and fell madly in love.This blind sided me I wasnt sure and still to this am not sure if she is breaking up or what. She invited me to sleep over on Sunday night at her place after we went to see a movie in the afternoon (I went home Saturday after our discussion) and I did and it was great (enough said) she told me she loved me we got up Monday morning went for breakfast hung out for a bit and I went home. Monday night we didnt have any contact Tuesday night she sent me a message to see if it was alright she called before bed we had a good conversation and she asked me over to her place Thursday night to watch TV. Wednesday night I sent her a message to see if i could call her before bed and I did we made arrangements what time to be there for “date night” and hung up both Tuesday and Wednesdays conversations were short and sweet Tuesday we both said I miss you and I love you. Thursday as planned I went to her place to watch TV going into the “date night” I told myself I would not talk about anything other than positive items and things were going great we sat beside each other on the couch held hands and kissed. About 2 months ago we planned and booked a family vacation and have been saving 50.00 each a week so I went to give her the 50.00 and she said she wasnt sure if she should take it then she did say she would take it, so I suggested she should say what shes thinking but she still comes out with I’m not sure and I’m scared and the fact that she wants her freedom but at the same time really loves me and wants me too. This is all very confusing and scary to me. Any advise what to do? I love this girl very much and as she has said to me she feels the same about me. I know I have put a laundry in this load but if there is any clarifications please ask I want to work through this without seeming pushy or overbearing.

Please help!

[Anonymous]

I think “needing space” as a universal point of no return. Either way, the best action can be nothing other than giving space and see what happens. Although it sounds like maybe more solitude is what she was looking for. I know the feeling and felt terrible about trying to have that conversation in the past because no one can take it the right way.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I have to agree with your girlfriend — your situation is complicated, as are most blended family and potentially blended family situations — and in your case it’s too much too soon. This doesn’t mean you can’t blend your families. It does mean that her instinct to back off and slow things down is a healthy one — so lucky you, in having such a good girlfriend! 😀 However, I know that this isn’t the plan you wanted. Please know that all is not lost. You just have to readjust your expectations here.

First of all, understand that your 16 year old needs to take more priority in your life. She’s being whip-sawed at both houses with both of her parents dating, moving in boyfriends, considering moving in girlfriends, going to therapy with not just her parents, but these boyfriends and girlfriends. While none of this is wrong — it’s too much, too soon for this teenager, who’s own parents are not completely stable: You don’t have your own house — you’re still living with your mom. You say you’ve been separated for three years, but you don’t say if you’re legally divorced or not. You’ve already had a one and a half year relationship that’s failed since your separation. And now you’re planning a family vacation for your girlfriend and her child and you and yours. TOO MUCH TOO SOON!!

Here’s my laundry list of things to do:

1. Call off the family vacation. There is no reason to have one so soon. You’re not a family. Not yet. You take your kids away, just the three of you.

2. Call off any plans of moving in together. You need to be on your own before you start moving in with someone else.

3. Get on your feet enough so that you don’t have to rent from your mom. You need to see what it’s like living truly single — not under your mother’s roof.

4. Because there are children involved, don’t live together unless you’re married or engaged with an imminent wedding date set in stone. It’s not fair to yank the kids in and out of a divorce, girlfriends, living together, living at grandma’s, etc.

5. Put more attention on your children who are having some trouble blending. Don’t force them to blend. You’re not engaged, and this relationship shouldn’t be taken seriously by the children because of this. In fact leave them out of the entire dating process. Keep your dates between the two of you adults.

6. Since your 16 year old is suffering the transition of her mother and her mother’s boyfriend, support your teen daughter, and do it alone. Go to the family therapy without your girlfriend (she’s not family), and be understanding of your daughter’s point of view.

If you do all this, you have a very good chance of finding out [i]more clearly [/i]what kind of a relationship you have with your girlfriend, what you want, for yourself, what she wants for herself and her child, and what’s best for all three children involved. Rushing clouds judgment. Slowing things down in an already complicated dynamic will give you all the gift of clarity and release pressure.

I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you what you wanted to hear, but I hope you’ll hear what I’ve told you.

Let me know how things go.

[El Steveo]

Thanks good advice as always!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Glad I could help — let me know how things go. 🙂

[El Steveo]

Ok April here’s an update that I need your help with.

So this weekend we discussed things and Friday I over reacted to somethings that happened and ended up breaking things off which as I know now it was a huge mistake because I was reading into things. Saturday I obviuosly was in complete heartbreak mode but I did not call her, she sent me a few messages to which i responded. Sunday I went to her place as part of a planned visit to take some more of my belongings we made arrangements to make sure her daughter wasnt there so we could discuss things. I said all I wanted to say which in a nut shell was that I wanted us to stay together and that I cared alot for her. She feels the same but what she keeps saying is she needs to slow things down, she wants us to continue seeing each other just not as much as previous (which is understandable hence the reason for slowing things down) but her next response is the one that confused me, she says she doesnt want a boyfriend now and afraid that she may never be able to give me what I want which is eventually to be married/long term and she’s afraid she maybe waste my time if we hang on. She still sends me messages text and FB and calls me. One message she sent me was I helped her figure something out and she sent me a message back thanks for your help Ill take you out for dinner this Saturday to repay you. To which I responded “For sure we can go out this Saturday but don’t be silly about the payback” and she sent “I’m kind of being flirty no?”.

I am confused how to proceed from here I obviously want in the end to be with her as we were but mixed messages are messing with me.

[El Steveo]

As a side not to the post I just put up. Another thing she says is she is very confused because she wants her freedom and space but doesnt want to lose me.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You and your girlfriend need to cut yourselves a lot of slack while at the same time you need to be vigilant about completing the list of to do items I gave you above. Tough balance? You bet. Are you up to it? The answer is yes. 🙂

Allow your girlfriend who has only been divorced for a year (not a long time when you have children and custody issues) and has a tough situation with an adopted daughter who has some behavioral issues (ODD, or oppositional defiance disorder, can be very hard on families) on top of her mom and dad being newly divorced and dealing with mom’s boyfriend and his kids, to go back and forth with her emotions. Her mixed messages are clearly a sign of her own internal confusion — but frankly, if she wasn’t confused and weighing options given the situations at hand, she wouldn’t be healthy. This is a tough situation, and she’s working through it. Be there, but be flexible and understanding, just as you’d want from her. She’s clearly not sure what she wants to do and giving each other and your kids the space that I’ve advised and that she clearly wants is going to do you all worlds of good. This is not a break up. It’s a correction for your having moved too fast too soon.

This isn’t over, but you have to regroup and continue to keep the channels of communication open, while focusing on your own healthy families before you can begin to date seriously. Go on your date with her tomorrow night, and continue to “date” her (I know this will be an adjustment) while you work on your own issues, move out of your mom’s house and live on your own, and stabilize your own daughter and family.

[El Steveo]

April need your read on this I tend to spend way too much time over analyzing things and it drives me mad.

So we/I have taken some of your great advice and have allowed things to be scaled back to just dating and see what happens, now I know you suggested we not involve the kids in our dates but 2 things here her daughter as I explained has some ADHD, ODD issues which also have attached to them an attachment issue so taking away my kids and myself from her would only really affect her and same with my kids to a much lesser extent of course but they have built up a relationship with this woman I am seeing and her daughter so I have to let the kids be involved in some of our dates at minimum. Anyhow we went on a family date this weekend we went bowling and had an awesome time, the woman I am seeing was VERY affectionate to me and like wise me to her things went really great. We went back to her place after bowling and my son and her daughter played while we spent some time together. She invited me back to her place after she put her daughter to bed. We watched a bit of TV and ended up going to bed together. After all was said and done she says to me I hope I’m not complicating things here. To which I responded I don’t understand what you mean when you say things like that it almost sounds like you have made up your mind where things are heading. Her response was I don’t know what to say. We fell aslepp together for a few hours I ended up leaving about midnight we had a great goodbye kiss and said we would see/talk to each other later this week.
I guess my question to you is first of all am I over analyzing things and should just let things happen because maybe she really is confused/scared? Or what would your read be on this latest development?
Look forward to your response!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It doesn’t sound like you have a problem.

You’re correct to take what advice I give you that works for you and style your life for maximum health and happiness. I only know what you post — not what your girlfriend or your mutual children think.

Unless I’m missing something, so far, it sounds like things are fine.

[Member]

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