[coolsnew]

I just recently got engaged to my best friend of over 30 years. We are both in are mid 30’s. She has three kids and is having some major troubles. Custody issues and she is also fighting depression. With everything that is happening I don’t want to loose her over something stupid that might only be in my head.

We have not had sex or have been very intimate. I am willing to wait while she gets things taken care of. I want to be intimate and if it leads to sex great. However I don’t want to create more stress for her. My question is what is the best way for me to communicate my need for intimacy or should I just wait, help her with her issues and bring it up later.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Okay, first clear up a few facts for me, so I can give you the best advice. 🙂 How long did the two of you date? What kind of physical intimacy did you have during your relationship as boyfriend/girlfriend and fiances? How long has she been divorced? Also, how old are her three children and how much custody does she have of the kids?

Let me know, and I’ll give you my thoughts.

In the mean time, please follow me on Twitter @AskAprilcom (no dot!) and join me on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[coolsnew]

Like I said we have known each other for over 30 years and have become really good friends over the last 14. It never really developed into a serious relationship until this summer. We offically became a couple in the middle of July. The only thing that we have done is kiss. She has not been married before but her last longterm relationship ended over a year ago. Her children are 14, 6, and 1. At this time she does not have custody.

I have talked with her a little about it and let her know that it is something I feel is important to our relationship and that I want to persue. So I may have all ready messed things up. It has taken us 14 years to get to this point were we realized that we belong together. It might just be my fear and own insecuritys of the past of not the kind of guy a woman is intimate but just friends with nothing more.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Okay — let me see if I’ve got this straight. You’ve only been “a couple” since July. Have you ever taken her out on a date?

If she has kids ages 14, 6 and 1, why doesn’t she have any custody of them? Who does have custody of them?

When you say that you talked with her about “it” — do you mean that you talked to her about sex?

Sorry for all the questions, but it helps to get a clear picture of what’s going on before I advise. 🙂

[coolsnew]

We have been on several dates. It has been kind of hard as of late but that is something I should try to do more of (Wooing her). Her parents have temorary custody currently. She does not have custody because of some accucations of drugs and depression. She has had some problems but has been and is currently getting help. Child services is over reacting and not giving us any help.
When it comes to the “it” I talked about it isn’t just sex. That is part of it but not the end all and be all. Some of it is just holding her but sometimes she pulls away. The best way to describe the it is establishing a physical connection. In my dating and relationship history I have been sensitive to my partner pulling away. I take it as a strong sign of rejection. When someone pulls away from me in just the slightest or doesn’t want me near them physicaly I take it really hard and as a sign that they don’t find me attractive or want to be near me. I don’t feel right forcing anything physical because I see it as forcing myself on someone who does not want me.
We connect on so many levels. We are both highly intelegent, have similar spiritual beliefes, and we have differences that both of us are attracted to. I love the way she always spends time to get ready to even go out the door to just get the mail.
She is attracted to my sincerity, kindness and admires how I can remain calm even in emotionally tense situations. I am attracted to how smart and inquisitive she is. She is also very beautiful.
I know there is a lot of stress right now in both of our lives. And I know the effect it can have on a person. I have a degree in mental health so I do have some idea that this is only temporary but my rational mind and emotional mind get in each other’s way. I am just afraid that when we get the stressors in our lives worked out that I will still be hypersenitive to being rejected and it will affect our relationship.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you’re misreading the situation. I know you have an educational degree in mental health, but when it comes to your own life, it’s more often than not that people don’t have perspective. Nothing personal — but I get posts from people with doctoral degrees who are lost in love!

It sounds like your girl has a lot on her plate right now — and that’s a gross understatement. She’s got an enormous amount going on. If she had custody of all three of her children taken away, something is very wrong. Normally the kids would go to their dad. That they are with her parents is of interest. Child protective services don’t come into a home unless someone reports her. So something is definitely missing from your story. Do you know who reported her and why the kids weren’t placed with their father?

She must be wildly depressed to have her children (including a one year old — yikes!) taken away from her. In fact it’s completely understandable that she’s too upset to have sex with you right now. Any mother would be devastated. This is one of the things I think you’re not understanding. You have to wait until she begins to get her ducks in a row. You said she’s getting help — what kind of help is she getting?

The second thing I think you’re not understanding is that if you only take a woman on “several dates” in 30 years, she’s not going to feel romanced or desired in a way that women appreciate. If you want to be treated as a sexual partner, you have to treat her as one, and when it comes to women, sex is not the same for them as it is for men. Women need to be romanced and wined and dined.

I know you already have an engagement in place, but I think you’d do well to read a book I’ve written called Romantic Date Ideas. It has a plethora of dates you can take her on that are designed to get the juices flowing. Here’s the link where you can buy the book: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url]. I think it’s a very good idea for you to read this.

As for your anxiety about her rejecting you even after the stress in her life is alleviated, if you can understand why the stress is there, what part it plays in her life, and if and/or how she is going to reduce it, then maybe you won’t worry so much. You said that you both have stress in your life, but you only mentioned her problems, not yours (other than her sexual rejection of you). Anything else going on?

I hope that helps. Let me know if it makes sense to you. And I hope you’ll join me on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[coolsnew]

Thank you for your advice. I will look into getting that book.
As far as what more is going on with her, this is a case of DHS over reacting.

My stress is seeing her in pain and feeling powerless to help. More of my issues are being only employed part time, finally begining a relationship with great potential, and again not being able to do more for the woman I love.

Thank you again for your advice. I will try and be more romantic or work on learning to be more romantic.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Whether or not DHS overreacted, your fiance has lost custody of all three of her children. Please don’t underestimate the trauma this is causing to her and her kids. It’s got to be devastating and scary.

It’s understandable that you’re upset that she’s upset, but if depression and drug use are what DHS “overreacted” to in taking away her children, all you can do is encourage her to take the steps to get them back. (You didn’t answer my questions about who reported her and why the kids aren’t with their father. Those answers would be helpful to have in getting a fuller picture. Also, how did DHS overreact? You also didn’t answer my question about what type of help she’s getting.)

If you’re worried about your own career and work, then focus on getting a full time job. I know it’s hard now, but even two part time jobs would be better than one. That would help alleviate some of your stress in that area. And read the book I suggested because that will help alleviate your stress about blowing this relationship. If you know how to be the kind of man who gets the woman, and you’ve done your homework, you’ll feel more confident.

I hope this helps. Let me know how things go.

And follow me on Twitter @AskAprilcom, as well as on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[coolsnew]

I am doing my best to give her all the emotional support I can. We do not know who reported her. One of her children is with their father the other two the father is not in the picture by his choice.

She is getting counseling and in an outpatient treatment program.

Thank you again
I will let you know how things go.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m glad she’s getting help. It sounds like she’s doing what she needs to do for herself. Now, it’s time for you to take care of yourself. Work on getting that job, and read my book! 😀

[coolsnew]

You ask me to let you know how it is going. Well it has went. I started to think of all the romantic things I have done in the past and have done for here lately. I even got a job offer that would move me closer and allow me to either get us a place to gether or help her and I get seperate places for the time being.

I have made a commitment to her and she has basicly told me that she is freaked out by it. She has lost the engagement ring I gave her and did not even notice it. She wasn’t even that upset about loosing it. I have also found out she has been texting and sending sexual photos to another guy (one that gives her pills). This weekend she has really been pushing me away.

After talking with a couple of friends I am going to confront her with what I know. I still love her and wish I could help support her but after the lies I don’t think that is possible. I am going to help her one last time and let her know that if she gets her act together that I might give her a second chance.

My best friend told me I deserve better. It hurts because I know she can be the best. It is tearing me up that it has come to this. I feel betraied let down and a whole host of other feelings. I am scared for her and the kids future and my own. I have not been very successful with any relationship. I keep getting hurt and or let down.
My fear for me is being alone. I am 35 and feel like I will never find the love I deserve.

It might be time for me to just become a hermit. When I can either afford it or have insurance for it I may seek counseling.

Thanks for your help.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Why don’t you take my advice — which is free? You need to read the book I’ve recommended for you — it’s only $14.95 and a great investment. It will help you a lot.

This woman is not for you. Your best friend is right. You need to pick someone who’s available as a romantic partner. This woman is not. Read the book, like I advised. It will save you time, money and huge heartache!

And follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter (also free!) and on Facebook at this link (free again!) [url][/url].

[coolsnew]

Thanks. After all my failures I have a feeling that I am going to be single and alone for a while. I have been alone in a crowded room for 15 years now so it is not like I don’t know how to be alone.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re only going to focus on the failures in your life if you continue to do what you’ve been doing. The best way to change a losing path is to employ different behavior.

Get the book. Read it. And start doing things differently. There is no reason for you to fail at relationships and be alone if you don’t want to be. 🙂

I hope you’ll follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Member]

Posts