[Anonymous]

I am 29F dating a 26yr old college student. We have been together 4 months and he is a wonderful man who gives me everything I need. This past weekend something rather odd happened though. His best friend was coming into town with his fiancé which my man told me about but never invited me, which I didnt really think too much about because I assumed it was either going to be a guys night or they were going to be hanging out at a house like they normally do where they smoke pot and I have no interest in being around that, which my man knows. Then I got an e-mail from his friends fiancé asking me about plans for her wedding. At the end of the e-mail she said she was sorry she wouldnt be able to come out with us this weekend because she had the kids with her, so I asked my man if that meant it was a boys night cause they were obviously going out. he responded that he didnt know but it meant I was off the hook. It was an odd statement. I went out with my friend the night he was going out, we couldnt find anything fun to do so I texted my man telling him we were just heading back to the house to hang out and he responded by telling me where he was going to be and that I should come down. We got there and no one was there, so I texted him again and he called immediately, didnt even say hi, just ‘Oh, I didnt think you were gonna show’. He got there and first thing he said again was that he didnt think I was gonna show. Then another girl showed up, he talked to her separately for about 10 min then came over to me and my friend and introduced us, told her he didnt think I was gonna show, then went off to talk to more people as did she. As everyone was walking in they were ignoring me, including every other guys girlfriend, so definitly NOT a boys night. I would say hi, they would look away like they had no idea who I was. I was thinking I was just taking all this wrong until my friend asked me what the hell was going on. I definitly felt rejected and obviously I wasnt supposed to show up and my friend was feeling the same way. I was happy when she asked if we could just get out of there cause she was feeling really uncomfortable. As we left no one acknowledged us until we got outside where my man was smoking a cigg with his friend. He only said ‘Oh ok, your leaving, see you at home’, without me saying anything. I said yeah, walked away and his friend proceeded to yell ‘bye bye bye bye bye’ after me which was the first time he acknowledged me, and that was the 3rd time my man had. So when he got home I asked him why he didnt want me there tonight, or if he had just wanted to hang out with his friends he should have told me instead of inviting me down then pushing me out. He told me he was mad at me cause he thought I didnt want to hang out with his friends, which makes no sense cause he never asked me and when he finally did I showed, happy to be there. He knows I dont like to hang out with his friends when they are smoking pot, but this is the first time that wasnt a guys night where they were going out in public, not smoking pot around me. Basically the first time I had a chance to actually hang out and get to know his friends, so I dont understand any of what happened. I feel rejected, hurt, like I cant trust him, my thoughts are going as far as is he embarrassed to be seen with me in public or was there another girl there. I dont know how to handle this or if I even should.

[Ask April Masini]

Since you’ve only been together for four months, you’re still getting to know each other, and I think that it would really serve you to not take behavior for granted, and also, not to take the relationship for granted. When you write that your wonderful man “gives you everything you need” you’re ignoring the entire problem you go on to describe. Clearly, he DOESN’T give you everything you need, including security and information about his own life. You also may not be compatible if his pot smoking community is so much a part of his life that you are uncomfortable with this big chunk of who he is.

Stop thinking of your relationship as a done deal, and consider it more a dating work in progress. Your job is to get a clue, not accept no clue as a finality, and find out more about who this man you’re with really is. Don’t be a victim. Decide if he is someone you want to continue dating or if there’s a Mr. Right out there with whom these issues of secrecy aren’t a problem.

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