[Jules0815]

When dating our relationship was fantastic and we seemed to be aligned in our physical needs. Once we were married things slowed down and the affection started to dwindle. After that the intimacy began to slow. This lack of physical relations together has caused many (too many) disconnections and disagreements. (In 2016 we have had sex less than 6 times – even while on vacation we didn’t – and I can’t tell you the last time I was given more than a peck of a kiss.) When I try to talk to my husband he claims that he “loves me more than the world” and thinks I am beautiful and that he feels things are better than ever and if I feel there is a problem that is my problem because he is happy. However, I am left feeling undesirable, unwanted and frankly bad about myself. I have expressed my needs for more affection and physical relationship with him but he laughs me off or doesn’t respond to me at all. I have pleaded with him to make an effort because it was going to take a bigger toll on our marriage to which he has ignored. He is a loving caring man, with whom I loved spending time with. He is my best friend, we laugh, we don’t really like to hang out without one another and we talk often throughout our day. I see no explanation of another woman. But literally, he doesn’t even hold my hand or put his arm around me. We sleep in bed next to one another without our bodies touching at all. He says he just doesn’t desire a physical touch like I do. But I translate that to not desiring me, his wife! I don’t know what to do, I need to feel love, not just hear it.

[AskApril Masini]

Try setting the stage and creating situations where romance and intimacy are possible — rather than telling him how disappointed you are that your sex life has waned. The latter may make him feel responsible and guilty — and neither of those feelings lead to good sex! Instead, try a book I wrote for couples wanting to get the X back in their sex lives, Romantic Date Ideas. You can buy it here: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url]. It’s got great dates at all price points for you to try. Setting the stage and doing your part may get him in the mood in ways you haven’t been able to up to now. 😎

Next, consider that your home is not romantically conducive — you’ve got kids, a father in law, and all the distractions that normal people have that keep them from enjoying a romantic life together. So do things to make your bedroom a sanctuary for romance. Get rid of piles of stuff, soundproof it if you’re noise-inhibited and put a lock on the door. Hotel amenities like thick towels, candles and flowers are all ways to send yourselves the message that this is a love nest, not just a utilitarian bedroom.

And lastly, take a hotel vacation — it can be in town or out of town depending on your budget. Hotel sex is notorious because hotels give you an excuse to leave home (and all the stressors at home) behind. Buy some new lingerie, go a little overboard on the grooming, so you feel romantic, and open a bottle of wine or champagne to celebrate. Hope that helps! 🙂

[Sally]

You’re married to your best friend, you love him, and yet you’re craving the touch and closeness that makes love feel real not just words. And the way he brushes off your needs? That’s what hurts the most.

Love isn’t only about saying “I love you.” Physical affection, small touches, holding hands, hugs, kisses that’s how you feel seen and wanted. And when he refuses or laughs it off, it doesn’t feel like love. It feels like rejection.

You deserve to be with someone who meets you halfway emotionally and physically. You’re not asking too much. It’s fair to want affection and intimacy from the person you committed your life to.

You might need to tell him, calmly but firmly, that this isn’t just a preference it’s a need for you to feel loved. If he can’t meet that, couples counseling or rethinking your relationship might be necessary. You shouldn’t have to shrink yourself to feel wanted.

[Tara]

You’re begging for basic intimacy touch, connection, a kiss that lasts more than a millisecond, and he’s giving you nothing but empty declarations like a man reading from a script he wrote five years ago. “I love you more than the world” means nothing when he refuses even to hold your damn hand.

He’s not confused, stressed, or unaware. He’s comfortable. He gets companionship, conversation, emotional support, and a wife who tolerates zero intimacy, all without having to give anything back. He’s set up the perfect arrangement for himself and is gaslighting you by calling this “better than ever.” Better for him, yes. For you? It’s slow emotional starvation.

And that line, “If you have a problem, that’s your problem because I’m happy”? That’s not love. That’s dismissal. That’s him saying your needs are irrelevant because his life is perfectly cozy without fulfilling them. You’re not crazy. You’re not needy. You’re not insecure. You’re a person being systematically ignored by the one person who is supposed to show up for you.

You keep trying to decode why he doesn’t touch you. Stop. The reason doesn’t matter. The behavior does. A marriage where one partner stops participating in intimacy and refuses to address it is not a partnership; it’s a roommate agreement with a wedding ring.

[Member]

Posts