[beklee]

My X bf and I dated since November 2012. We had a great relationship except for the last month he said he needed space and time. He has been going through a divorce for 2.5 years now still not divorced. We saw each other on weekends and during the week. Now he tells me that I have different feelings than him and wants to date others. Even cut me out of his life. I know for a fact he still cares he started drinking again alot. I stopped by to see him Wednesday as I still had things at his house. He was upset that I just stopped by but I did call. He just didnt answer. I want to get my life together find a job, been looking since December for a job. Finish my degree and call him in 6 months. Or should I just give up. He is the first one ever that didnt abuse me. He is a very good man. We got along great. HE said he was always happy when I was there with him.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You may not be ready to give up — but you should be. You’ve been dating a married man for six months. He’s broken up with you and according to you, he’s cut you out of his life. Don’t waste your time on someone who is not interested in you — and who’s not available to you. 😉

You mentioned that you have a history of being with men who abuse you. It’s good you realize that you have this pattern of choosing men who don’t treat you well. You have an opportunity to break that pattern here by not investing in someone who doesn’t want you. 😉 Abuse is very serious — but when you’re interested in someone who’s not available and not interested, spending any time on him is not helping this historical problem you have. Time to move on. 😉

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[beklee]

I know he has feelings for me but is denying them right now. I guess I will do what I had planned and call him in 6 months. THanks I dont think you helped me. Just one persons opinion.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry you don’t feel I helped — I have a feeling that when you look at this advice again in six months (or somewhere down the line), you won’t feel that way. Not everyone is ready to take advice, and certainly, not everyone sees things outside of their own perspective. I know you’re talking a lot about feelings, but over and over I advise people to pay more attention to behavior. Feelings are what we use to talk ourselves into or out of something we could have figured out a lot faster when we look at behavior instead.

If you’re dating a guy who was married when you met him, and two and a half years later, is still married — he doesn’t want to be divorced. If he did, he would be. Also, when a guy “cuts you out of his life” you should really forget about his feelings and focus on taking care of yourself. Since you mentioned a history of abuse, it’s probably hard for you to take care of yourself because it isn’t something that comes naturally to you. 😳 To really take GOOD care of yourself, don’t spend time on a guy who “cuts you out of his life” and don’t chase guys — that includes calling him after he’s cut you out of his life. Let guys who are interested in you be the ones you bestow your energy on — and the way you know who’s interested in you is by seeing who calls you, who asks you out on dates, and who treats you like you’re an important person. 😀 Another way to take GOOD care of yourself is to figure out what you want, for instance, if you want to get married and have kids, then only date guys who want the same thing (with you) and who are available. This guy has a wife. For the entire two and a half years he’s dated you, he’s had a wife. And on breaking up with you, he has a wife. He’s not available for a serious, monogamous relationship that leads to marriage as long as he’s married.

I hope you’ll focus on what’s best for YOU, considering your history, and while I certainly don’t expect everyone here to take my advice, I do hope you’ll consider that there’s a chance I may be right. 😉

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