[Anonymous]

Dear Ask April,

I am a 30 yr old African American female with a very successful and demanding career. I have a daughter who is my world. For well over a year, I have been dating a man (in his 30’s) in the military. He does not have any kids and has never been married. He has never even lived with another women. Aside from my daughter..I too have never been married or lived with another man. For the past couple of months, we have been in a long distance relationship. We have not had any issues in the past that we could not work or pray through up until now. It is time for him to look for another duty station and he wanted to know my suggestions on where he should go and what would be best for his career, etc. Now do not get me wrong, I am all for enhancing your career in order for you to reach your full potential in life. However, when I was looking over this list I could not help but think to myself what would this mean for us. I wanted to know where WE stood…so like any other women, I asked. (In a very non-confrontational way) 🙂 I have never had to worry about anything when it comes to him cheating or even being a for real man! I was raised by my father who is Old Skool, so I was able to see what a man is supposed to do. I know that this is not a time to laugh, but SERIOUSLY…I have not paid for anything. I don’t pay for plane tickets, rental cars, gas, dinner, maintenance on my car…NOTHING. I pay my bills for my residence…anything outside of that…he pays. Don’t get me wrong I am more that capable to pay for these things or at least take turns, but he tells me that that is his job. So, I stay in my lane! 🙂 During this conversation he tells me that he is not ready for marriage. OK…so I try to gain some understanding of where he is coming from so, I ask for him to be honest with me and explain why and what concerns that he has with our relationship. For example, what does he think that we can do better or if there is something we can do together to achieve that next level. The only thing that he opened up to me about was the fact that he now feels like he does not have a place in my daughter’s life. He felt like he had a place before when we were in the same city, but not since he has moved.

Here is the “cliff notes” version pertaining to the background of myself and her father. We called it quits when she was six months old. The relationship did not end on bad terms…we were just not happy. After breaking up, we both sat down at the kitchen table and had a heart to heart about what type of relationship we needed to provide for her. We covered everything from when she will come to spend time with him, his family, me and my family. We have never been to any courts pertaining to her. A good education is important to me and God has blessed me with a good paying job, so all that I needed was her private school paid for by him and I would take care of everything else. This has enabled him to be able to fly himself and his mother to come and pick our daughter up for the summer’s, Christmas breaks, Awards ceremonies, etc. I just think that is the right and fair thing to do and if she needed anything of course all I have to do is pick up the phone or send an email and its in my account within minutes. And NO…they do not stay with me when they come to spend time with her. That chapter is CLOSED!!! 🙂 He is a great father and over the years we have became good friends by forgiving one another for the past and moving forward. I don’t have any drama with my daughter’s dad as well when it comes to me bringing a male figure in her life. The both of us has only dated one person seriously thus far. When we are dating someone seriously we meet them with her and we express to her the importance of respecting him/her in our lives. (i.e. yes’mam, no’sir and doing as she is told) Basically so he/she will not feel like they are the outsider. I hope that I am making sense of it all, but that’s the cliff notes version.

So, when my man tells me that he feels like he does not have place her life because her father and his family is active in her life…I was really taken aback. To be honest, we had this conversation before we started being serious and I explained to him what I was looking for and what I was praying in man. Back then it was cool and now it is an issue. So, basically I explained to him that he needs to really sit back and think about if this what he really wants. Of course, I was disappointed in this news but I felt it necessary to take myself out of the situation for awhile. I recommended that we take a week of not talking to one another in any aspect to reflect on what we both would be losing if we called it quits and what we would need to do if we decide to continue the relationship. What I would like to know are two things and I know that I am not the only single parent in this situation:

1. Did I react too rationally to this news??
2. What in the heck is he thinking??
3. What would you recommend that I should do??

I am open for any suggestions in solving this riddle. Please help.

Thank you,

Patience too short to understand

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your boyfriend made it clear that he doesn’t want to marry you because your minor daughter’s father is active in her life. The way you described it, you have a fair and civilized relationship with your ex, but it’s still not okay for your boyfriend. Rather than judge him, listen to him. He doesn’t want to be part of a blended family — and you have no choice but to find a husband who is comfortable with a blended family because your daughter and her father will always be in your life in some way. Sadly, although your boyfriend has many good qualities, he’s got one that is a deal breaker.

I’m sorry, but I don’t see how this can possibly work out in the long term. You need someone who is compatible with your situation and that means a man who is open to a blended family.

I hope that helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter.

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