[Twototango89]

So, I am 22, my boyfriend is 23, we’ve been together for about a year, and I love him to death. We get along so well, we see eye to eye on everything, we have nice chemistry, we really balance each other out well…we have all the makings of a great relationship. I love him to death and I AM NOT CONSIDERING BREAKING UP WITH HIM! But I am having a couple of issues, and would really appreciate some insight because I don’t know what to do.

He is such a sweet, sensitive, loving man. I adore him, but…sometimes he is overly sensitive. He takes even kind, constructive criticism very hard, and he ends up curled up in bed crying if I tell him something he doesn’t like. Like for example, his eating habits are awful so I suggested he eat a little better and support me on my diet, since heart problems run in his family…and he just laid there crying. I made it so clear that it didn’t have anything to do with his physique…I think he looks great. 🙁

I would just like to note by the way, that communication is usually not an issue. He can just get very sensitive and needs time to take things in and think, but then usually he is okay and understands it.

The other thing is that he is very intimidated by other guys. I can feel his anxiety , discomfort, and tension spike whenever there are other guys around, and I know it’s not because he’s afraid he’ll lose me to one of them.

Recently, we’ve started having sex, though we’ve been sexually active in other ways for most of the time we’ve been dating. But, he has so much trouble getting and staying hard. Now, I know this could be due to his cholesterol, blood pressure, heart issue, etc but…it worries me anyway, and I don’t know how to remedy this. The first time we had sex (last week), he went soft inside me twice. He only stayed hard when I was on top, but then he came very quickly.

We have a great time in bed otherwise, or at least HE does. I perform oral on him all of the time, but he will not eat me out. He says that the taste disgusts him and that he’s never been turned on by the thought of it or anything…he’s actually turned off by it.

In the year we’ve been together, even though I made sure to learn his body, what he likes, etc., he has only given me 3 orgasms (it’s not that hard for me to come) and really never has taken the time to learn my body and what I like, even though I’m patient and gentle with him and always tell him I’ll teach and guide him.

I’m frustrated because I’m just not getting any sexual relief and it kind of hurts. To be clear, he’s not a jerk about it. I brought it up the other day and he started crying and said he just doesn’t know what to do, since he can’t eat me out, has erectile dysfunction AND ejaculates prematurely.

Sometimes I also wonder if his testosterone might be a little low. I just don’t know what to think at this point. But I’m really hoping to try and work through it. I love the guy!

Thoughts? I am feeling very much left out as far as sexual things go. :/

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sexually, focus on what does work, and understand that if the two of you are only having sex for the first time this week, that it’s going to take a while to get more comfortable with each other. But if he’s not someone who reciprocates in bed, he’s probably not going to be someone who reciprocates in other parts of your life together. Not everybody likes every sexual act, but sometimes they do it because they love the person they’re with and giving that person pleasure is more important than any discomfort. In other words, we all make sacrifices for the people we love — in bed, in communicating and in all facets of relationships. I’m not sure, from what you wrote, if he’s someone who is generous with you or who will be.

Emotionally, you’re dating a guy who’s very self absorbed. 😳 It would be great if he’d go to see a physician for his health because it sounds like he could do some things to be healthier, but my guess is that he doesn’t want to. The crying and oversensitivity at his age isn’t normal. And the erectile dysfunction at his age isn’t normal. I know you said you don’t want to break up with him, so I won’t bring that up, but if he’s not willing to take care of his physical and emotional problems — which aren’t relationship problems, they’re personal problems — all you can do is expect more of the same.

Let me know if you do have a specific question.

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[Twototango89]

Thank you so much. The problem is that not much does work, sexually. Since he is so uncomfortable with going down on me, I honestly don’t know what we can do in order for me to get there (without using toys, I know that will only make him feel even more like he is insufficient), especially since he can’t stay hard for long enough…and even when he does, it is over very quickly. I know he feels awful about it, and although it does sound like he might not be one to reciprocate in other areas of my life, he actually does. And he is very generous. And he does feel so bad that he’s so turned off by the act of going down on a woman.
Even erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation aside, I am wondering what I can do to bring him out of his shell sexually, or make him feel more comfortable and confident with my body. This is my first time with all of this, and he is pretty inexperienced as well, so I am struggling.

He does seem self absorbed. He just has quite a few issues, and he has trouble dealing/coping with things emotionally. He very much holds on to every little piece of past as well – particularly the bad. So this is a real challenge. I am supposing he should see a physician for his health as you’ve suggested, and maybe to a therapist as well, though convincing him that he needs to go will be very difficult.

I apologize for asking so many questions and for really struggling with this. This is my first real relationship, and he is also the first man I have been sexually active with. But thank you for your help!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome for the advice. Unfortunately, you’re asking how you can change a person who doesn’t appear to want to change, and that’s never going to get you an easy answer. In fact, the reality is that if he doesn’t want to help himself to help you, there’s not a lot you can do except to be honest with him that you feel disappointed and unsatisfied, and if you’re afraid of being yourself because of his reaction, you’ve got an unhealthy relationship on your hands. 😳 A lot of women who are in physically abusive situations are afraid to be honest with their partners because of the partner’s’ reactions, and men and women dating addicts are afraid to be honest with their partners because they’re afraid of their partner’s’ reactions, and your situation isn’t really far from those: you’re afraid to be honest because of his reactions. You’re dealing with someone who has problems you can’t fix — you can just point them out, so that you’re not enabling the problems.

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