[sobralanna]

I’ve been with my husband for the past 10 years. I have two young children. I am from Brazil and moved here to be with this man. My marriage has been awful since fall of 2007. I found out recently why. My husband has been cheating on me off and on, with a stripper, since 2007. This was a very intense relationship, he professed love to this woman, took our son to meet her, shared our home movies with her, took her daughters out, and helped pay her bills. He also told her and his friends that I talked too slow, that I was not intellectually challenging enough, that I never got his jokes, that i was awkward socially, and a bunch of hurtful little things like this. I found out through his email.

We got separated between 2008/2009. He became closer to her. They broke up (late 2009) and we moved back together, but he never told her. I got pregnant and he only told her when I was half way through pregnancy. She was under the impression that he was getting divorced. She got really upset when she found out that I was pregnant and they broke up again.

He also has a bad temper. He gets angry easily and mostly breaks things around the house. There were also other women with whom he had close friendships that he might have been interested in too and I don’t know for sure if nothing ever happened. Last week, he was finally able to tell me that he lied to a lot of people.

The thing is he keeps coming back to me. We are separated again, since I found out about the stripper. I told him a few days ago to be honest with her, to go knock on her door and tell her that he wanted to be with her (because I thought this would free us all, and I thought it was what he wanted). But instead of going to her, he came knocking on my door, and ended up spending the night. In part, he’s scared of committing to the stripper, because she has two troubled teenage daughters, a sick mother, and a “shady” past. He has strong feelings for her, but he thinks they could not have a long term relationship. He says they are not together and he’s been staying with a divorced male friend right now.

Three days ago, he came over, we talked, he left, only to call me back a couple hours later and say that he missed me. Another couple hours went by and he was knocking on my door and spending the night here again. And it was similar when we were separated before. Every time he was upset, he came knocking on my door. Every time he picked up our son, he hugged me for several minutes. The difference is that this time he filed for divorce. He got very angry when he found out that I told his family about the affair. He complains about our lack of intimacy and our inability to communicate and solve problems together. He complains about my lack of experience in the world and about feeling like I am not an equal partner in the relationship. He complains about my lack of confidence.

I am getting my masters in education, but I’ve been home with the kids for the most part. He has a degree from a good University and works as a network engineer in sales. We should be reasonable people, but sometimes I think we are insane. We don’t seem to be able to be angry with each other for very long in order to truly detach, no matter how much pain is involved. For example, after I found out about the affair, a few days later, he invited me to go out for dinner and drinks. We went, but the night ended with him having a jealousy attack about me and one of his friends. We came home, and he spent the night. Two days later we are fighting again, I am calling the cops on him. A few days later he is buying me a camera to replace the one he broke and calling me to say goodnight every night! The more I try to protect myself from getting hurt again, the closer he gets, but he is unable to commit and work on the relationship. Last week I went out with my friends. He had not called me all day, as soon as I left him a message saying that I was going out, he called me 3 or 4 times within the hour. He wanted to know all the details. Finally, he said that he thinks we will go around in circles and in the end, get tired of the world and end up together.

I was happy with him the first years we had together. I remember how he had tears in his eyes the day we got married. I thought he was a romantic, sensitive guy. Someone honest that wanted a special relationship. And now I find out about all the lies and the affair with the stripper. He’s also treated me so badly through all this. He didn’t even say happy birthday to me on my birthday a few months ago. Also, a few months ago, one night when I was pregnant, depressed and lonely, he told me that he was going to spend the night at his friend’s house. I cried and begged him to come home for me and he didn’t. I cried myself to sleep. These are just a couple examples of how he has treated me. Should I even want to fix this? He can’t seem to commit to anything, am I even able to do this completely alone? Should I keep letting him spend the night?

[Anonymous]

No.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You can’t fix your husband. He can’t commit to you. He can’t commit to his stripper. YOU are the only one YOU can fix. The problem is not your husband. It’s your inability to move on — and I don’t mean to sound harsh because I think you’re in a difficult situation with three children and a ten year marriage that has failed, but if you don’t pick yourself up and give yourself a new life without him, you’re going to dig yourself a deeper hole.

It’s very sad when a relationship ends, but feelings are not enough when you have a family. Behavior and character can make or break a relationship, and yours is a perfect case. Regardless of the feelings you and your husband have for each other, you’re creating a chaotic home for your children. His leaving and leaving and leaving is not worse than your taking him and taking him in and taking him in. Your home is a revolving door. You have to stop the cycle of chaos and create a stable and consistent home for your children.

Divorce is not worse than chaos for kids, so quit the chaotic trio with your husband and his stripper lover and get divorced, get a custody order so you have structure for your children, and YOU move on emotionally so that you can end your marriage and find love with someone who is stable and loyal and loving.

I hope that helps.

Join me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[sobralanna]

Thank you. I appreciate your advice.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re welcome. I’m glad I could help.

I hope you’ll follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Member]

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