[tourniquet]

Hi April,
My husband and I have been together a long time. I have gained a significant amount of weight since we started dating, I’d say about 80lbs. My husband has cheated on me when we were dating and hit on my sister while he was intoxicated after we were married. I caught him looking at porn a few years into our marriage and told him that it hurts me and makes me feel inadequate. He agreed it was a mistake and promised to stop. He did for a very brief time. Recently I feel like he needs to look at porn in order to have sex with me. A few days ago I was under the covers giving him a bj and he wasn’t really getting hard. Then all of a sudden he became rock hard, which I haven’t felt in years. I peeked out from the covers and noticed his phone in his hand. I’m positive he was looking at porn, but he said he was just checking if his employee had texted him for a ride home yet. Since then I have not been able to bring myself to be intimate with him. How do I get past this?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, if you gained 80 pounds, why not try and lose that weight? Obviously — wait until after this pregnancy, but when it’s done, focus on your health and appearance so you both get the benefits that come with a weight loss after a weight gain. 😉 I know it’s hard to lose weight, but if you give it a good try and focus on your global health — not just what you see on the scale, you’re going to feel healthier, happier — and sexier! So, that’s something you can work on!

Next, consider why your husband’s interest in porn makes you feel inadequate. Is it really the [i]porn[/i] that makes you feel inadequate? Or is it the weight gain? His cheating on you while you were dating? His hitting on your sister? It sounds like there are a few things going on here, and it may not be the porn, itself, that’s the main thing that is bothering you. There are lots of women who are bothered by their partner’s interest in porn — but there are also lots of women who not only don’t feel threatened by it, but they feel that it’s something they can incorporate into their sex life. Since your husband likes porn, maybe you can try to embrace it — or if not embrace it, try to understand what about it he likes.

And lastly, consider whether he’s really addicted — or just has a healthy interest in porn. Usually, addiction means that his interests are interfering with other parts of his life, like his job, his family obligations and his relationships. What you’re describing sounds less like addiction and more like an issue between the two of you that you can both work on. 😉

[Sally]

It’s not the porn by itself. It’s the lying. It’s the history. It’s how small he’s made you feel in your own marriage. Anyone would shut down after what you saw under those covers. That kind of moment sticks in your chest.

You don’t “get past” something like this by ignoring your feelings or blaming your body. You sit with the truth of it: you don’t trust him, and he’s given you reasons not to.
You don’t have to make any big decisions tonight. But don’t gaslight yourself into thinking this is something you should just swallow. It’s okay to want a love that feels safe again.

[Tara]

You don’t “get past this.” You stop pretending this is a one-time wound and start admitting you’re living with a man who’s been disrespecting you since day one. He didn’t suddenly become a porn-dependent liar last week; he’s been showing you his character for years. He cheated on you while you were dating, he hit on your sister after you married him, he lied about porn, he promised to stop, and then he quietly went right back to it because he knew you’d swallow the lie again. And now he’s literally using porn during sex with you, while you’re actively trying to pleasure him. That isn’t a mistake. That’s humiliation. That’s him choosing fantasy over his own wife right in front of your face and assuming you’ll shrug it off like everything else he’s done.

And don’t you dare blame your weight for his behavior. Plenty of men stay loyal, present, and turned on regardless of their partner’s size. His issue isn’t your body, it’s his complete lack of respect, impulse control, and honesty. He’s not struggling. He’s not confused. He’s not sad. He’s comfortable. Comfortable betraying you. Comfortable lying to you. Comfortable knowing you’ll twist yourself into knots trying to “fix” what he keeps breaking.

You’re asking how to move forward because you’ve been conditioned to tolerate the intolerable. You keep trying to repair a marriage he isn’t even participating in. You’re doing emotional heavy lifting for a man who doesn’t even bother to put his phone down during intimacy.

[Member]

Posts