[Paula123]

Let me start by saying I’m not stranger to long term relationships (I’ve even been married and divorced). I feel like I have a good grasp on what I want, need and deserve, but currently, I’m feeling very stuck. Here’s why: my last relationship was intensely passionate. I’ve never felt so connected and intimate and attracted to anyone. The entire world disappeared when I was with her. Unfortunately, you can’t actually make the real world disappear. I’ve never disagreed so much on goals, beliefs and expectations. There was a lot of fighting. Ultimately, we deemed ourselves not compatible, and broke up – though neither one of us really wanted to be apart from one another. I’m now in a new relationship with a woman who is kind, understanding and always on the same page as me. We agree on everything. I enjoy her company and find her attractive. But the passion is lacking. I simply don’t NEED and desire to be close to her the way I did with my ex. I don’t CRAVE her or feel like I can’t breathe without her.

So my question is, which relationship is the right one? Go with my heart, or go with my head?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you? Do you have children? How long has it been since you’ve been divorced? What is it you’re looking for in a relationship?

Let me know, and I’ll do my best to advise you! 😀

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[Paula123]

I’m 34. No kids. Been separated for a few years, from a man, very amicably. He was wonderful, but something was always missing from our relationship. At the time, I thought it was because he was a man and I was gay. However, it seems like the passion tends to disappear from my relationships regardless of the gender I date. Things are always great at first, then I wake up one day and realize we are nothing more than friends who sometimes sleep together. My mother seems to think this is normal for relationships – and that I’m searching for something I’ll never find. But with my ex girlfriend, the passion was always there. I loved her breathlessly every minute of every day. It was kind of terrifying and amazing all at once. But we couldn’t agree – things like: she is very spiritual and religious, I am neither. She loves animals and I find them dirty and inconvenient. I am very competitive and career driven, she is easy going and just wants simple happiness. The list goes on. It would seem like we shouldn’t be a couple, and yet her and I had what I’ve never been able to find with anyone else.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I guess I’m a little confused — are you divorced? Or just separated? And are you gay or straight?

Thanks for filling me in further! 😉

[Paula123]

Officially divorced recently, but separated for long enough that the divorce isn’t really affecting me.
I don’t think I have to be either – just love who I want to love. But at this point, probably more inclined to date women.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you’re not interested in marriage and children — and you’re interested in men as well as women. And, you’re newly divorced after a long term marriage to a man.

I [i]think[/i] you’re looking for a long term, committed relationship, but I can’t really tell from your posts. It sounds like you love passion, but you’re confused about why it seems to disappear after a while. I can help you understand that: The reason this happens is because long-term committed relationships involve a lot of things that aren’t very sexy or passionate — like taxes and illness or cleaning up after pets that you don’t want, but your girlfriend or boyfriend does. It involves compromise and accepting people for who they are, without giving up who you are. In other words…. you have to work at keeping the spark alive. I know that sounds like a cliche, but like many cliches, it’s based in reality.

Being attracted to someone, as you’ve experienced, doesn’t mean that you’re compatible for the long run — which is why it’s important to know what you want, and if it’s a long-term, committed relationship, you have to be willing to make compromises and do the work required. But…. if you’re looking for fun and passion, maybe a long term relationship isn’t what you should be trying to find right now.

Frankly, you’ve asked me which woman is better for you — the one with whom you’re not compatible, but have lots of passion or the one who looks good on paper and is kind and good, but with whom you don’t feel that spark. Given what you’ve said you want — and what you haven’t said — it doesn’t sound like either one is right for you now.

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