[andromedaiota]

I asked this question on another forum but everyone tells me to just leave. But both of us don’t want to leave and how can one have a relationship if they leave from a few problems that can be fixed together?

First, a few background details: my other and I have been with each other since October 2015. Anyways we see each other on the weekends, and it’s alright for us (he lives an hour and a half from me). Sometimes when he is so busy, I see him every 14 days or so (this is rare). The reason we don’t see each other so much too, is because I am in college. But I will be graduating college this year and afterwards, we both want to live with each other.

Before I get into the ruts, we have a complimentary relationship. And we are both eccentric, and don’t fit into any other group, we just have our own thing which makes us go along great I think. We have some common interests too and we agree on most things. It simply is he has more experience because there is an age gap. But this has not been a problem whatsoever. Most of the time he is very considerate of how I feel and he always asks me if I am comfortable. He also asks many times what I want, though I am still a little shy in asking what I want but slowly I grow.

The problem is when we get to meet, he still is in his ‘busy’ mode most of the time. He has two jobs, a regular job, and the other one can’t really be called a ‘job’, it’s creative work but requires extreme involvement (I don’t want to give too much info). He works it at home. I give him a lot of space during the week, we don’t call or talk on computer, just send small messages through the phone sometimes. But when we are together, he can talk for hours about his creative work, and he is on his phone a lot, checking updates, and is just itching to write a correspondence back, or do more work.
I don’t want to tell him he talks, and thinks about it so much because then he will say that I am not appreciating or understanding his work (he has said this before). His face is glued on the phone a lot to check updates … when we first met he didn’t do this, and he even told me he doesn’t like it when people are on the phone while trying to hang out.
I appreciate his work, however and I am always trying to support him while not bugging him too much (He tells me not to worry about bugging him but I know he is busy).

A second problem is he says critical things towards me. Well, I don’t mind if we talk through them. But yesterday, while we were in the car, at one point he kept taking out his phone on the freeway to check updates on his page. I said to him to be careful and it’s best to put your phone away for now. He told me that I was overreacting. But I said, ‘all it takes is one second for there to be a crash’. Once again he said I am overreacting and that it’s no different from him checking the GPS periodically. I told him I do not like it when he says that I am overreacting, because I was not. I was simply concerned for safety. I did not yell, I did not have an angry tone in my voice.

Many times he tells me I ‘freak out’. I really don’t like it when he says this to me. I don’t ever freak out. Many times, I don’t like something and so he equates it to me ‘freaking out’. For example, I don’t like it when people drink a lot of alcohol or swear, but for him I am ‘freaking out’. When I cry, I am ‘freaking out’. Several times he has called me childish… or that I make him feel like ‘crap’ when I am upset. Somehow, when I get upset and have a hard time talking (because I need time to process things and I’ve told him this), he thinks it is because of him and thus he thinks he did something negative and so his logic is that I am making him feel like wet clothes on a dry body.

I think he belittles my feelings and I don’t like it one bit. A lot of things I do, he always has a critical thing to say. He tells me he is working on being a less grumpy, and critical person (since he is judgmental and critical towards many people (his words)). I think he has a very strong complex, self-esteem issues and tries to size himself to other people but at the same time he looks at others in a bad light since he does the same to himself. I compliment him often because I genuinely believe he is a great person.

He says we are both learning things together and I agree. I think it’s good we are identifying problem areas earlier on rather than later because we are working on them together. Whenever he does a bad thing to me he apologizes, and I do the same and our understanding for each other grows. I don’t understand why people would say we are incompatible when we are understanding each other. Maybe initially we have a lower compatibility on some things but we are learning things together and this is raising the compatibility. I think the problem area is the way he goes about dealing with problems. Any details you can give or tips, thanks.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

So, it sounds like you’ve been dating a guy who’s older than you (how old are you both?), for 4 months, long distance, and see each other on the weekends. You don’t like the fact that he is critical of you and belittles you, and that when you’re together he spends a lot of time distracted by his phone, which is important to him. And you think his driving is dangerous, but he doesn’t. And… you want tips to make this work. Did I get that?

* First of all, long distance relationships are a lot more difficult to sustain than in town relationships, and four months of seeing him most weekends, but not all, is not the same “weight” as four months of in town dating. Normally, I’d say to use the first three months of dating to decide if you want to continue dating, and the next three months to decide if you want to be monogamous — and assume he’s playing the field before there’s a commitment. In this case, I’d extend those time frames for your benefit, so don’t jump into something too soon. Slow down, stop planning to live together in May — it’s too soon. Instead, graduate from college and get a job, an apartment, and continue to date so you can both continue to get to know each other.

* Second, if someone belittles you or is critical of you, and is aware of it, you have to ask yourself why that’s okay with you. How do you feel about yourself that you’re okay spending your time with someone who treats you this way. So, do the homework, and ask yourself about that.

* Third, decide if you’re compatible with someone in his field of work. Many women don’t want to date policemen or emergency room surgeons or trial lawyers because those men are so time-committed to their careers. It’s okay to recognize an incompatibility. It’s not okay to ignore it and somewhere down the line, call him out on it. This is the time to do your internal work and decide if you’d rather be with a dermatologist who doesn’t have a lot of emergencies and time commitments for work. 😉

Let me know if you have any other questions — I’m happy to help. 😀

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