[Anonymous]

Hi I am recently married and confussed. I have been married for 2 months before we were married everything was perfect now we just can’t get it together. My Husband has 2 kids from a previous relationship a boy who is 4 and a girl who is 10 i have met the boy once and never met the girl they live in another state and his ex isn’t very keen on allowing him or me visits. We were going over to see a laywer in her state in a few weeks time and see thhe kids, and then continue on for our honeymoon after visiting the kids and lawyer, until todays blow up. I suggested doing it in 2 trips the first trip to see the kids and lawyer now and in a month go on our honeymoon as it was going to be quiet expensive to do both at once, he flew off the handle and said no honeymoon and he would go over and see the kids by himself and see the lawyer since i didn’t want to go. i explained we were still going to go over to see the kids and the lawyer as planned but the honeymmon we would do later. He called me is ex’s name several times and said i was just like her. He has been calling me her name when he get angry at me over the last few days. I think i am being very understanding about everything but not according to him.
How do i handle this.
Confused

[Ask April Masini]

Marrying a man who already has children, and becoming a step-mother is hard work. You have to understand that your husband is really afraid of losing his children and contact with them altogether, and you need to find a way to be super sensitive to his needs when it comes to his kids.

My advice is to put his emotional needs to have this trip encompass both the custody visit, the lawyer appointment and your honeymoon ahead of your need to keep costs down. You’re trying to be practical, but you’re not factoring in the emotional cost to him of saving this money. It’s not worth it. Support his spending the extra money on this one, big trip, and you be cheerful, really kind to his kids, and sexy with him on your honeymoon. Be the bigger person here. Math isn’t always about numbers when it comes to family budgets — his children have to take precedence because he doesn’t see them much, and he lives out of state. That relationship is crucial to him, and you may not realize it.

The cost to you if you don’t let him spend this money without a fight will be way more than the cost of the expensive trip.

The best thing you can do as a new stepmother is to let him take the lead when it comes to anything that has to do with his ex-wife and their children together, and be as super nice to those children as you know how because it will make his life easier.

I hope that helps.

[Anonymous]

i understand about putting the kids first and also the laywer meeting which i have not got a problem with as long as we go together we got married to share our lives together and support each other, which i support both him and his kids. If we went on our honeymoon straight after the visit to the kids then we would not have enough money to pay rent and other loans while we were away so that is why we have to worry about not doing everything at once. We sent birthday cards and presents to the kids last month, but my birthday just before their’s i didn’t get a card or an aknowlgement. i am feeling ripped off in many ways, maybe this is what hapens when you have kids. i don’t know.

[Ask April Masini]

It sounds like you have a problem that is different than being a step-mother. In fact, you may be blaming the real problem on your step-mother status — but that has nothing to do with the fact that your new husband didn’t acknowledge your birthday. 😮

Wow.

That’s bad. And that has nothing to do with his having children or your being a step-mother, as you know. Saying, “Happy birthday, honey,” costs your husband NOTHING, and it’s the least he can do. Not even acknowledging your birthday is really irresponsible. Getting you a single rose, a card or a cake is not going to break the bank, either. It sounds like your husband isn’t treating you well, and rather than acknowledge that fact, you’re denying it by blaming the kids.

Being a step-mother means making compromises so everyone’s needs get at least partially taken care of. This means postponing things, celebrating holidays (even birthdays) on different dates than the actual events to accommodate schedules, and if push comes to shove, putting the minor children first in many instances. But not your birthday.

Take a step back, and see where you saw flashing yellow lights that this man was not big on taking care of you while you were dating, and you’ll see the path that led you to where you are now. Your honeymoon and this trip to see the kids and meet with the divorce lawyer on your husband’s case with his ex-wife is not the real problem, because if he took better care of you day to day, you wouldn’t feel so slighted and be making such a big deal of this. 😕

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