[rb21]

Hi April,
I have been living with my current boyfriend for a year now, and we have been dating for about 4 years. All in all we have a great relationship, with the occasional issues that pop up along the way, as we learn more more about each other’s likes and dislikes. I am truly in love with him and talks of marriage, in the future, have come up on several occassions. He is really good to me and so far this has been one of the most secure and loving relationships I have been in. However there is a big problem that I am having a very difficult time nipping in the bud. I am very insecure and clingy. I am willing to admit it, however I am not sure where it stems from or how to change out. For example, we spend alot of time together, not just because we live together, but we go places and travel and have fun together, but occassionally he likesto go to the mall or the movies by himself, and it completely upsets me. I get upset, because in my mind, he is either tired of me or doesnt want me around. He insists that he just likes to do things alone sometimes, but it still bothers me very much. Another example is that his birthday is next weekend, and I had made plans to take him out and for us to celebrate his bday together. So this weekend he is going out of the state to visit his brother and he told me that he would be back Monday and we could celebrate his bday together. Well last night, out of the blue he tells me that he purchased a plane ticket to go home up and he will be gone for his bday. I was very upset, not because he is going to see his family, because he hasnt seem them in like almost two years, but that he would just spring it on me after I rearranged my entire weekend to celebrate his bday with him. Then I asked him if he would like for me to come with him to visit his family and he said no he wanted to go alone. I was very upset. I have met his mom, and she and I get along great. I’ve talked to his dad and grandmother, and they have all expressed a desire to want to meet me, so I thought it would be a good opportunity to meet them. He told me that I was being very selfish for even asking to go with him, and that he just wanted to spend time with his family alone. Well a big argument ensued and he told me that I need to go to counseling ( which I somewhat agree with because I do have issues that I need to work on) and he basically told me that the relationship is in jepoardy of ending if things don’t change. I don’t want that to happen, but I am lost as to who is really in the wrong in this situation. Is it me or him? And furthermore, what steps should I take to resolve my issues with clingy and insecure behavior? He told me that if I go to counseling to get help with my family and insecurity issues, then he would stay with me, but if not then he may leave. Sorry for the long long post, I just need some advice as to what my next steps should be in order to have a healthier relationship with him and a healthier mind frame. Thanks!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The best way to overcome being needy and clingy is to give him the space he wants when he wants it. It’s okay for you to be upset and anxious, because those are your [i]feelings[/i]. They’re private. What it is not okay for you to do is to [i]behave[/i] in a way that makes him feel boxed in. So if you feel anxious, that’s okay, but if you start behaving like you need to be with him all the time, he’s right — he will walk away from the relationship.

This is a lot easier said than done, but you’re going to have to practice being uncomfortable and realizing that you’re not going to die from being without him. Make plans with another friend or family member when you know he’s going to be out or out of town and see if being with someone else makes you feel a little less anxious. Sometimes it’s not even about being with a friend or family member, but just having plans to do something like going to the gym to work out or taking a pilates class or going shopping or cleaning a closet. Do what works for you to alleviate your feelings of anxiety, but make sure you change your behavior. There’s no trick to it — you just have to do it.

I hope that helps. And I hope that while he’s visiting his family during his birthday, you make him a cake, get him a present, and plan a great alternative celebration for his return. Let me know how things go.

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