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Hey guys, I’m 21. I’ve been dating a guy (lets call him Clay) for a little over two years now. I was so in love with him, but about a year ago we started having problems. He wasn’t truly committed to our relationship (even though he told me he was and that he loved me). He started texting his ex-girlfriends, asking for naked pictures of them and the like. Obviously not a good thing, but when I found out about it, he told me that he would stop doing it. And a few months ago – early February – I found out that he had lied to me and “almost” cheated on me with one of his exes. (As in, he messed around with her, but no sex actually occurred). I spent a lot of time before this worrying that he would cheat on me, and when he finally did “almost” cheat, I finally just stopped caring about our relationship, or him. I still loved him, but I didn’t feel like he loved me, and I was tired of putting in so much work and getting nothing back in return. But, Clay convinced me to give him another chance. That he is finally ready to be in a relationship with me, and isn’t going to hold anything back anymore. Which is exactly what I wanted…just maybe a little too late… But I’m currently giving him another shot, and it’s working out okay. So far he hasn’t done anything crazy, and I’m learning to trust him a little more.
However, around the same time that Clay told me he had cheated on me, an ex-boyfriend of mine showed back up into the picture (let’s call him Mac). He was genuinely concerned – from something that I had posted on facebook – about my problems with Clay. And I don’t have many friends that I could get genuine advice from – who actually care about me, so I told him everything that happened and how I was feeling. Now, though, after two months of talking to Mac, trying to work things out with Clay, and feeling like I’m slowly drifting away from Clay, I’ve realized that I may be in love with both guys. Mac has just been so helpful in giving me advice, and he told me that he’s loved me for a long time – ever since we broke up (which was in middle school, btw). I’ve only ever texted Mac, but we seem to be so compatible and similar, where Clay and I just aren’t. I was really hurt by Clay, but Mac was there to sooth me. And Mac says that he would never hurt me, that he wants to love me, and show me the world, and do awesome romantic things that Clay just has never done for me.
But, I’m really scared of letting go of Clay. I don’t want to lose him. Right now, Clay is trying so hard to make this work, and he’s changed himself so much so that he can be the right guy that I want, and so that he won’t lose me. I feel like I can’t leave Clay. But I just don’t think we’re right together… But I don’t really know what I want, or how I feel. I don’t who to pick, if I should leave Clay for Mac or if I should stay where I am. I’m very confused.
Any help?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you’re trying to force things to work out with Clay. While monogamy with him seemed like a good idea, when he broke that bond, you became interested in another ex, Mac. Now that you’re giving it another shot with Clay, your interest in Mac hasn’t gone away. It may not be Mac that you’re really interested in, as much as you are the idea that there’s someone better out there for you. It may be Mac — but it may be someone you haven’t met yet. I don’t think you’re completely ready to be two feet into the relationship with Clay, although you say he’s convinced you to give it another shot, and now he says he is ready to be monogamous in a way that he wasn’t, before. Somewhere, deep down, you’re not one hundred percent certain that you’re comfortable with Clay’s change, and maybe even without realizing it, you’re trying to keep a safety hatch available with someone else.

When there’s a betrayal in a relationship, it takes a while to get over it. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself the time you need to trust Clay. If it requires playing the field and allowing him to win you back, then maybe that’s a good idea. If he’s not willing to win you back, then that’s valuable information. This shouldn’t be just your problem. It should be a problem that you and Clay work on together while you’re trying to see if the relationship “has legs”.

I hope this helps. Let me know how things go.

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