[Anonymous]

Hello,

I am 27f and my fiancee is 28m. We met at a wedding in 2003 (one of my family members married one of his family members). Our relationship was love at first sight. We spent the night the first night we met. The wedding was out of town but we promised that when we both arrived home we would meet eachother again asap. I visited him at his place and basically never left because he asked me to move in with him.

Before me he was the non commitment type. His longest relationship before me was six months but she cheated on him and that was that. I had longer relationships.

Anyway, when we met it was like we had known eachother all our lives and we just fit like peas in a pod. We both had tumultuous childhoods but our presence in eachothers lives was very healing. We have pretty much grown together. Within the first month living together we ended all our bad behaviors like drinking and partying etc.

However, in 2005 (2yrs in) my neighbor at the time asked me to go out for a girls night with her and some of her friends, although Im not the club type I decided to go because she had just broken up with her bf of 3yrs.
I wish I hadn’t gone at all because I woke up in a strange dorm room with a strange person I absolutely never would have considered sleeping with considering how content I was in my relationship.

I had one beer and one mixed drink that night…not enough to erase my memory…but unfortunately I have no recollection of the time period after exiting the bathroom at the club. I don’t remember leaving the club or anything. The girls I was with were supposed to watch my drink but I guess they did not…but the problem was that when they did the rape kit later the next morning they did not find a drug and my memory was gone. I didn’t feel pain only numbness. I only felt pain the day after I was in the hospital in my lower body and realized I had twisted my ankle as well.

The guy was never prosecuted and I was treated like the stereotype of a binge drinking college girl. I only just yesterday evening began to accept that I was raped. When I woke up in the dorm I was shell shocked and there was an economy sized lubricant bottle on the bedside table. My birth control ring was on the floor and I was fully clothed accept for my underpants which had been tucked into the front of my jeans waistband.

Because I have experienced childhood sexual abuse I was especially a huge candidate for self blame. I don’t remember the face of the man who raped me but the girls who were with me that night said his goal was to get with a white girl…and I guess he chose me. When I arrived back home to my fiancee (bf at the time) after he had been searching for me all night frantically afraid that I was dead somewhere…the first thing I did was look at the ground and say “I cheated on you.” One of the weird parts in all this is that supposedly they were looking for me all night…wouldn’t they know where I was considering…he called one of the girls on his phone in the morning…I went pee and hopped into a cab in a daze immediately after that.

My fiancee didn’t immediately treat me as though I had cheated on him. His mother said to me on the phone “well some guys are jerks just pick up and move on.” Then she told my fiancee to break up with me but we never did. but after it all happened our relationship (now that Im looking back and realizing this is the cause) changed for the worse and communication eroded. I also turned into a hermit and basically just existed. I only began therapy just two yrs ago and I have improved a little…but we have spent every day together, he and I both worked from home so we were never apart really. I’ve only been away one weekend…and that caused a panic attack. Our relationship issues have increased and became emotionally abusive and as of late borderline physical.

I decided I was exhausted the other day and announced that I was leaving for good…and not coming back…then I realized the issue and so did he and I also read a 250 page dissertation about what the effects are psychologically on a couple who has survived a rape crisis.

Now we have decided to take a long break. The way it sounds its going to be a really long break, he’s saying “You’ve got to get yourself together and we need time apart. Im feeling as though I shouldn’t have made such an abrupt decision when I told him Im leaving for good but I got scared because he had a moment of anger that for some reason I couldn’t handle. Also I’ve noticed that up until now that I’ve realized this is all based on the rape….I was criminalizing him…I took all of the sadness and anger out on him. We distanced ourselves from eachother and blamed ourselves and each other.

Now we are taking this break and I am afraid…this yr marks our 8th anniversary. Do you think that him saying that we should have this break is just an easy way of letting me down? I love him and I still consider him the person the one I want to be with the rest of my life. He says to call or text whenever I like and that I can leave whatever belongings I can’t take with me now right where they are for whenever I need them…Im just so afraid of this break.

I know that 95% of 8yrs time spent 24/7 together in such emotional turmoil deserves a break…Its just that Im scared. I am going to be staying with a family member. I don’t plan on dating anyone or being intimate with anyone at all. He says he wont be either…but he also said you never know what will happen which is true.
I don’t know how to be in this break. I don’t even know what the break means.

I don’t even know what my question is, and I apologize for being unclear, basically….any insight you have to give will be highly appreciated.

Please pardon my mini novella, I do promise that I wont write another one after your response. Lol

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m very sorry for your ordeal. Your problem is bigger than just this relationship and somehow I get the feeling that you know this — which is why you don’t have a specific question.

Your rape is complicated emotionally because you have a history of abuse and your instinct was to blame yourself for the crime. This is not uncommon among abused women. However, you have to get a point, one way or another, where you realize that you were illegally drugged and violated. The criminal justice system is imperfect and your perpetrator didn’t get prosecuted so now it’s even harder for you to accept you were a victim of violence because you don’t have the system’s back up.

It will probably be helpful if you find a group of women who have gone through the same thing you did (call your local hospital, church or city government agency for help in locating such a group). Talking and listening to other peoples’ stories will help you get clarity on your own.

You have a right to feel angry, but without clarity, you’re going to project that anger on the wrong people (like your boyfriend). You also have a right to recovery, but you have to give yourself time and the ability to process what happened. You have to forgive yourself and understand that sometimes bad things happen to good people. You also have to decide how you’re going to heal.

Volunteering for others in need (not necessarily other victims of rape) like animals at a shelter, cancer patients at a clinic, victims of natural disasters, the elderly who are disenfranchised — all of this will make you realize that in spite of your past rape, you have so much to offer the world and people need you.

That’s how you’re going to begin to get better and realize that you deserve and are able to be in a healthy relationship.

As for the relationship at hand, take one day at a time, but don’t cling to the idea that you’ll get back together. Right now, you have a whole lot of healing to do on yourself before you can be with anyone. If this boyfriend is not the one, then I promise you that someone else will come along who will be more appropriate for the you you are about to become.

I hope this helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Anonymous]

Thank you April. I feel I’ve had an epiphany within the last few days regarding what I’ve been through…I agree that this issue is larger than my relationship. I have much to do and think about. I appreciate your advice very much.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re welcome. 😀 Let me know how things go. And be sure you understand that this is a process and not an overnight fix. 🙂

[Member]

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