[mimi0629]

Dear April,

I am a 22 year old woman in grad school. I have been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years (He’s 24). He’s my first relationship and we love each other very much. He recently got a job and moved in with me a month and a half ago, and we have been experiencing various problems. First, he says he wants to visit his family every month, and he plans to visit them TWICE next month. These visits do not include birthdays, family events, birthdays, and holidays. Please keep in mind that his family lives a 100 miles away . I appreciate his closeness to his family, but I feel that he should be able to be independent and build a life here with me. I also come from a close family, but I am fiercly independent and moved to the US to pursue my studies and work. I know that he’s not my husband, but I think that he should visit his family less (e.g. every 3-4 months). I know he feels lonely, and that everything in this city is new to him, but I feel that people should move forward and become adults and be more adventurous. Am I being reasonable? Or am I controlling? I feel miserable, and I feel that I want out. I feel that I would rather be with someone that is more adventurous, more independent. Second, the topic of mariage came up, and I was excited at first, but if we cant resolve this family issue, then I do not know if he’s the person that I want to be with forever. Help!

[Ask April Masini]

Neither one of you is right or wrong. What is more important here is to decide if your differences are ones that can be part of a compromise. Since your boyfriend is now living with you, I think that’s a pretty strong commitment to your relationship. For you to see his monthly (and this month twice monthly) visits to his family as a sign that he’s not committed to you is unusual. If he’s not including you in these visits and you want to be included as part of a couple, I understand that problem. But if you don’t want to visit his family and he does, and it’s only once a month (although you didn’t mention how long the visits were — days, weekends, weeks?) that he visits, I’m not sure I see the problem.

What IS clear, and what you are finding out is that he is very committed to his family in a way that you are not to yours. That difference is a bridge I hear you not wanting to cross. Whether or not you’re being reasonable, unreasonable, controlling or independent doesn’t matter as much as whether you can accept his behavior or not. If this is a deal breaker for you, then it’s wise to figure it out now while you’re still young.

[mimi0629]

April,

Thank you so much for the advice. It’s nice to see another person’s point of view. Another reason I am not dealing well with the situation is that his parents call him constantly, and I find that weird because (like you said) it is not how MY family does things. I feel that he’s talking to them a little too much. I mean – you’re 24 – you already talk to me about this stuff, so you still need to spend 30 minutes saying the same thing to your mother? Also, his mom hates me, and has been rude to me many times in the past, so I find it terribly hard to go visit the family with him. This woman gave me so much HELL, she’s the most uneducated person I know. And, I can’t let go of the past (with his mother). It all feels very complex inside, and I want to end this badly. Maybe I should move on.. Thank you again April.

[Ask April Masini]

Now the[i] real[/i] story comes out! 😆

If your boyfriend’s family adored you, it might not matter to you so much that he was so connected to them. But clearly [i]now[/i], it sounds like his family doesn’t like you and is going to try and break the two of you up. [b]Danger ahead! [/b][i]And[/i] to make it all worse, he’s having trouble standing on his own two feet and choosing you over them.

You’re heading for a snake pit of problems with his family and with him. In-laws are often the cause of divorce, as are disruptive families of a spouse — just as supportive families can be a big nourishment to couples during good times and especially during the inevitable tough times that come to everyone at some point. Because you’re so clear about what you want, and what your problems are, I think this relationship isn’t going to work out for you in the long run. It’s time to move on.

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