[Michael76]

A year ago a very old and dear friend came back into my life. She was seperated from her husband and done with being miserable. They have a 2-year old daughter (now 3). We began to see each other and she served him, but due to some problems the divorce took almost 9 months. He guilted her with not bothering to try rebuild their relationship, and unfortunately she never created the seperation she needed to move on. Meanwhile our relationship blossomed and was an incredible source of joy for both of us. There were really no problems with our relationship whatsoever, it was wonderful.

Just before the divorce finalized we found out we were pregnant. A big mistake, disrespectful, but it happened none the less. We had already prior to the pregnancy began plans to move into together and try to build a life and an example for her daughter. My girlfriend always told me I was kind and the best person she knew. She didn’t want to get married ever again, and that was okay because I understood what she had been through. Her daughter and I got along very, very well despite my girlfriends over-protective nature to not want anyone around her daughter but her.

She started having doubts about what she did was right to her ex-husband. She suddenly one morning told me it was over between us. She didn’t want the baby (she kept it), didn’t want me, and certainly didn’t want to try and be a family with me. It couldn’t of been more out of the blue. I accepted what she said and chalked it up to hormones. Her family and friends felt the same way. But now over a month later it has only gotten worse. We do not see each other except for the rare appointment, she doesn’t want me around. And now she is trying to reconcile with her husband who she claimed only made her miserable. She claims I never knew her at all, and has no intention of including me with any part of her life except with the baby. I’m missing out on the pregnancy of my only child, and as much as I offer to help in any capacity is met with hostility or a false “Thanks! But no.” End of discussion.

I imagine she did not get the closure she needed with her ex-husband. But I don’t understand how she can completely shut me out of her life. It’s by far the worst thing I’ve ever been through. Friends all think I should ignore her and wait for her to come to me. Others think it’s hormonal. And even a few think she’s a bad person (she really isn’t) and I should wash my hands of it all. Before her marriage I knew her for eight years. Now she claims I never knew her at all, it’s not my fault, it’s hers, but she has no wish to do anything to fix it. I fear she may be driving an even greater wedge between her, her ex-husband and daughter. And she will convince herself she doesn’t want to be with me or raise this child with me to justify her behavior during this pregnancy.

To be clear, I tell her I love her almost every day (which she says makes her uncomfortable, so I stopped). She is beautiful. And she is. And I ask if there’s anything I can do. It’s always met with a resounding no, and being apart from her and her daughter is genuinely causing me pain beyond description. Any time I try to bring up what happened she goes beserk and claims I’m throwing it in her face. I have to move forward for the sake of the baby and assume she really wants us to raise this baby apart.

What on Earth can I do? What is she really going through? She wont talk to me.

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry you’re so upset. You have good reason to be. You can’t have what you want. 🙁

No matter how certain your girlfriend was about her divorce from her husband, any divorce is traumatic, and she may not have been completely honest with herself or with you about how scary divorcing her husband of eight years and becoming a single mother was for her. So understand that she may not have been upfront with you about the depth of her fear of being divorced and a single mother. You could have been prince charming on a white horse, riding in at sunset, but she still has an eight year marriage that was familiar to her and produced a child.

I know you want to focus on all the things she said about her husband that made it seem she was ready to move on, but the reality you need to face is that there were things about her husband that she liked enough to want to reconcile with him now. Is she confused? You bet. Is she hormonal from her pregnancy? Absolutely. Not everyone has the strength to build a new life immediately after a divorce — and I’m not entirely clear from your post if the divorce was finalized or if she decided not to finalize it and is still married. Some people go to what is familiar even if it is a bad situation.

I hope that helps clear up YOUR confusion. For now, you should consider offering to help and to do things for her during her pregnancy with your child, although she doesn’t have to include you in the pregnancy if she doesn’t want to. 🙁 See a lawyer to find out what your rights are to your baby once it is born and make it clear you want to be involved in the child’s life in every way.

You will be joined to your girlfriend forever because you’re having a child together, so keep your side of the road clean while she’s confused. She may get through this muddle (because for [i]her[/i] it is a big muddle) and decide she wants to be with you and not her husband — and even if she decides to stay with her husband, it will serve you and your child together to be civil at worst and genuinely warm and kind at best to her and her entire family including her daughter’s father.

I’m very sorry for your pain, but you will get through this and once the baby is born you’ll have some clarity regarding a visitation and custody schedule and you can start co-parenting you baby together. You will have plenty of opportunity to show her the kind of man you are as not just a father, but as a man, too.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go — and please join me on Facebook at AskApril.com on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 🙂

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