[Anonymous]

Ok; I used to post on another forum but they closed it down due to misconduct (not mine; lol) and I need some guidance.

I’ve been ‘dating’ this guy for about 4-5 weeks now and he texts me ([i]usually[/i]) every day, says the nicest things, travels to see me whenever possible ([i]he lives about an hour away and works as a tattoo artist so he works until 9pm, then will come all the way out to see me[/i]), wants to spend time with me – never matters what we do: he’s good to sit in and watch movies or to go out to eat and take in the city – compliments me, pays for practically everything, is extremely kind, caring, considerate and very chivalrous, makes plans for us. He’s really great. I did end a long-term relationship 6 months ago, so I’m taking it slow and seeing where things go. I don’t have any expectations and am simply enjoying the ride. He’s a great catch though, and we’ve already become physical. It’s known that we’re exclusive in that way and that we’re looking for this to turn into a relationship.

We’ve been doing extremely well, seeing each other 2-3 times a week as I’m a busy girl ([i]he also has a full life, healthy relationships with friends and family, a great job where he’s happy[/i]) and I’ve held my own – waiting to respond, continuing to pay the proper attention to myself, trying to do things the right way rather than ‘jump in’ to something new without allowing it to bloom; I do fear that I’ve been a little too unavailable or too ‘busy’ and am unsure as to how to fix this particular situation:

This past Saturday we had agreed on plans: I was sick all of last week so I couldn’t see him ([i]he expressed that he missed me, wanted to see me, come to take care of me, etc[/i]). He came out, we went out to the city, walked around, had great conversation, he took me out to dinner and he made a point of taking me to every shop he thought would be of interest to me ([i]he really put a lot of effort in and always does; it’s obvious he’s seriously interested[/i]). We came back to my place, spent more time together and fell asleep. Apparently, he decided to leave @ 3am while I was asleep ([i]he had to go home to check on his dog, get some sleep and be ready for Mother’s Day[/i]). While he was leaving, he went to kiss me and say goodbye and I said ‘I love you’!!! I was *definitely* asleep! I had NO idea. Now, I [i]am[/i] developing feelings for him, but I wouldn’t say [i]that [/i]at this stage; I’m used to being in long-term relationships so I suppose my subconscious mind just blurted it out in response to the goodbye. I woke Sunday morning and he wasn’t there, which was unusual as he would normally spend the night. So, I felt awkward having ([i]in my mind[/i]) not heard from him and was left thinking he simply decided to up and leave without a word.

I hadn’t realized but he’d tried calling my phone that morning; then, he texted me the following: [i]“Tried calling you. Must still be asleep or getting ready to head out here (my mother lives close to where he lives). Left at around 3am. You looked so beautiful sleeping. Call me later when you get a chance. I’m so happy with our day yesterday. I hope you have a great day today as well! 🙂“[/i]

Feeling awkward that he left ([i]since this was not the norm for him and I didn’t recall his ‘goodbye’[/i]), I responded simply: [i]“Thanks. You too. I don’t know if I’m heading out there today.”[/i]

His response: [i]“Ok, well if you want to hang out later, let me know. ” [/i]
I only responded: [i]“Ok.”[/i]

After that, feeling badly for being so stand-offish, I texted him [i]“Thank you for everything yesterday… I did have a good time. 🙂“[/i] ([i]I still didn’t know he said goodbye, or even that I’d told him I loved him![/i]).

Him: [i]“I’m always happy when I get to see you.”[/i]
My response: [i]“So cute.”[/i]
Then, he texts me: [i]“P.s. you told me you loved me last night when I said goodbye. It’s alright, I know you didn’t really mean it. 😉 “[/i]

Needless to say I freaked out. I felt completely embarrassed and awkward! I had no idea how to respond other than by shutting down. I responded with: [i]“I’m sorry? Maybe subconsciously I’m used to saying that in response to goodbye? I was definitely asleep & didn’t even know you left! I dig what we have going on, but that’s pretty heavy. I don’t know what else to say without sounding horrible or making things more awkward than they already are, so apologies. Please dismiss it. 🙂“[/i]

Then, his texts turned a bit short, still friendly but he was making an effort to be ‘short & sweet’. I didn’t hear from him aside from our exchange of “Ok have a good night.” Yesterday, I took it upon myself ([i]realizing that I may have screwed up as he thought I realized he left, had no idea how I felt, etc[/i]) to text him: [i]“I’m sorry if things got weird or if *I* got weird. As self-aware as I can be, at times I don’t realize how I may come off when I react, or don’t know how to respond. You were great, then I freaked out as I had absolutely no idea that I said that, didn’t even recall you leaving so, apologies. I hope you enjoy the day; it’s gorgeous out!”[/i]. We had tentative plans last night too as he was supposed to accompany me ([i]they were ‘up in the air, but still[/i]) to a friend’s runway show. He never responded to my apology and I haven’t heard anything since, which is very unlike him. I’m worried that I upset him. I really don’t know how to handle this as we’re not quite to the relationship status yet, which I believe is more my doing than his as he’s not seeing anyone else and he treats me like I’m his girlfriend; he says things that lead me to believe that he wants to be exclusive, has told his friends about me and his actions back his words. I’m the one who wants to take it slow. I still want to retain my sense of dignity and not flip and start calling and texting him too much to try to ‘fix it’. I feel that I should wait until I receive some kind of response before possibly elaborating on the explanation/apology?

He’s a great guy; I’ve had a string of obsessive, abusive and jealous men – one relationship after the next; *finally*, a man who has a strong sense of self, is neither jealous nor possessive, goes out of his way, treats me with respect, respects who I am, makes me laugh so much, and just makes me feel good in general because he wants to. We have so much in common and I feel like I’m continually screwing this up by withholding and then the situation compounds…

Suggestions would be appreciated. Should I wait for some kind of response prior to a sincere attempt at an explanation? I’m almost positive that I hurt his feelings. In re-reading my own words, and knowing our dynamic and the things we’ve spoken about, I feel that he’s hurt and doesn’t understand.

Thank you!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

“Please dismiss it.” 😯 Yikes. Even I bristled when you wrote that. Clearly he’s into you and even though women aren’t supposed to say the L word first — your sleep induced faux pas was a very natural mess and he seemed to really like that you said it. But you shut him down and were so cold to him because you were embarrassed.

What was missing was your telling him, “Oh, no! I’m so embarrassed, I can’t believe I said that. The girl should never say that first, and I was in this sinus infection stupor and I acted stupid — what can I do to make this right?” You missed the fact that self deprecation and honesty and being embarrassed are all parts of intimacy and you had a great place to get more intimate with him over this slip up, but instead, you got cold. And sadly, he did, too, in response, because he was hurt.

What’s needed now is damage control. You need to invite him out or over and make him chocolate chip cookies or a home cooked meal and apologize and be the girl and tell him how you’d love a “do-over” if possible. Don’t be afraid of digging deep and telling him your true feelings of embarrassment. Guys love confidence in women, but trust me — being honest takes confidence. Saying, “Please dismiss,” is running from the issue.

I hope that helps! Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter.

[Anonymous]

Thank you! After reading your response I texted him to apologize and acknowledge that my actions weren’t stellar. We had a brief exchange which quickly ended and now I haven’t received any communication: no texts or calls, which is [i]very [/i] unlike him as he has both Monday and Tuesday off every week. Until this Sunday, he would always spend one of those nights with me and we had communicated every day; he always initiated the communication as well. I’d always receive a text in the morning saying [i]“I hope you have a beautiful day; miss your face.”[/i], [i]“wish I was with you right now[/i]“, [i]“miss your laugh”[/i].

I’m so frustrated and confused because he was so sweet. I’m not sure that it’s normal to pull back from such an interactive state due to one miscommunication; especially considering my attempts at opening a dialogue, acknowledging my negative actions/words and sincerely apologizing. We hadn’t even come close to talking about loving each other as it’s still ‘new’, yet he was always sure to call and/or text me every day. Even if simply to say “goodnight”. I’m not into the idea of chasing after him due to a miscommunication. I stated that I was sorry, and when he asked “for what?” I responded with: “For shutting down. I’m sorry. I’m a big girl and I can take responsibility for my actions.” to which he replied “There were no bad actions.” – still nothing after that.

I’m thinking I’ll let it ride and distance myself a bit until I hear from him. There are so many different schools of thought on this: never pursue the man, let him chase you, don’t change your life to accommodate him completely until you have a definitive commitment, etc… I attempted the dialogue but he’s remained distant. I don’t want it to end, but I’m not willing to lower my value and act desperate as that would make me feel uncomfortable. I would need some form of communication to let me know that he’s still ‘there’. If he’d have responded more openly, we could have spoken over the phone or in person and solved the problem.

He may just be taking some time to step back and review everything. He did seem to want to be serious; telling me what our mutual friends said in response to his telling them that we were seeing each other (positive feedback, which made him happy). I’ve remained more laid back but also receptive; just not placing any pressure on him; no expectations. Since I made two attempts now, I think it’s time he decided whether he wants to move forward. I don’t want to date a man who can’t communicate or who runs away. I have no problem recognizing and admitting my mistakes. If he can’t handle my being open and honest, then maybe it’s not meant to be?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re right — maybe it’s not meant to be. You DEFINITELY should never chase a man, and if he wants to date you, he’ll ask you out. For now, read Think & Date Like A Man, so you understand better how to win the dating game. Here’s the link where you can download the book: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. It’s going to help you a lot — especially now. 😀

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