[August2010]

Hi, I need your advice. I am in my late 50’s and met a wonderful man on Match.com 10 years older. We hit it off right away. He is so likeable, and nice. After 3 dates of knowing each other we had sex, which it was ok, (he could not perform if you know what I mean) but I am patient, and he is such a romantic and sweet man. On the 4th date he sits me down and tells me that he has cancer of the esophagus. He knew about his cancer long before we started dating, but still he had an ad in Match.com! I don’t understand it, well anyways I did not think about that then but I’m thinking about it now though and I think that he should tell his situation so he can give options if you want to meet. Well, anyways, his surgery is next week, and he is going to be staying in the hospital for 10 days after that, and because of his age he’ll be in intensive care. I’ve been researching cancer of the esophagus and the outcome is pretty good. I realize now that this is not the right moment for a romantic relationship and so I told him that I would like to be his friend through these tough times, but he became very upset and told me that he did not want to be my friend, see me or talk with me again because it would tortured him. Something in me said that I have to try, I cannot loose him because he is such a wonderful guy and we have so much in common. So I immediately got in my car and drove to his house, he let me in and we hugged and cried. We came to an understanding, to continue having what we had before he told me about the cancer. That happened 3 days ago, however, today I’m having second thoughts again, I feel sad, confused, maybe I’m getting disgusted with him? because I feel that there is so much that I need to comprehend about his situation, and I don’t think that I am strong enough to deal with these kinds of situations. I’m trying very hard to be so understanding, but I don’t know what is happening to me especially when he told me yesterday that he had contacted his ex girlfriend of 14 years, which I undersatnd that he has to inform his loved ones, but she left him 4 years ago, and he says that he trusts her with his personal financial affair, and then he says that there is another friend, a woman who he has a platonic relationship with, who he also met on Match.com, and she has offered her help and cook chicken soup and take care of him. I understand that he needs all the support he can get during these dificult times. Please, I need your advice; I have been getting distressed lately thinking about how difficult it is to deal with all this. I feel that I don’t know where I fit in in his life. He is sick and I am worried sick for his well being, but I have noticed that I am also getting anxious and overwhelmed by what’s going on, and I don’t want him to know about it. His illness and consequences are putting a lot of pressure and stress on me. I feel so guilty for not being able to handle this situation.

[Ask April Masini]

You didn’t mention how long you’ve been dating him, but I trust it’s only been a couple of months since you said you had four dates. The amount of time you’ve been dating is important because it tells me that [i]this is not yet a serious relationship.[/i] That’s not to say you don’t have strong feelings, but you’re only just getting to know him and if it doesn’t work out, this isn’t the same as you dumping some guy you’ve been dating for a year or two after you find out he’s sick. You don’t really know him that well — in fact, his concealing this illness from you until after he slept with you was [i]manipulative[/i] and you just learned this about him.

In general, there are certain things that should get disclosed by the third date and before you have sex with someone out of respect and courtesy. They include whether or not you’re married (I know it sounds ludicrous but there are people who neglect to drop that little tidbit when dating), whether or not you have children and whether or not you have a serious disease. He did tell you he wanted your sympathy and support but didn’t give you the respect of getting to know this part of him before you had sex with him. 🙄 You’re torn now because the “good girl” part of you thinks you should take care of someone less fortunate than yourself, but the womanly part of you is thinking, Hey — this isn’t a level playing field. He’s not giving me the benefit of seeing the rules before he makes his plays! I don’t know this guy that well and I feel guilty getting angry at him for withholding information until after he slept with me because he’s so sick and going to have surgery, but cancer aside, he’s not treating me well, and I don’t even know him that well, truth be told! 😮 Stick with the womanly part of you who is looking out for you — because he isn’t. 😕

Now, you’re coming to learn he’s not just enlisting your help, but he’s rounding up his other ex-girlfriends to make him soup and nurse him through this illness that is in fact very serious. It is extremely understandable that he is scared and wants support and help and feels alone and is trying to bond these women to him, but when it came to YOU, he didn’t play fair. Your instincts to just be his friend and not his lover are correct and self protective.

If he’s going to give you an ultimatum that you have to be his girlfriend and lover or nothing at all then he can’t be a hypocrite and have these other ex-girlfriends around him, too handling his finances and his soup. 😳 If it’s all or nothing for you, and you’re the one he’s intimate with, then it should be all or nothing for him, too. That’s the relationship math here.

You need to start thinking with your head, and put your heart on the shelf for a while. You write that you “cannot lose him because he is such a wonderful guy….” 😕 Well, he may have some wonderful assets, but being truthful isn’t one of them. Re-evaluate your feelings. Understand that it’s only been a few months and half a dozen dates. Give him the choice of having you as a friend or not at all — and I can assure you, he will NOT cut you out of his life. He is way too needy right now. In fact, he can’t see straight. So you have to. Keep YOUR feet on the ground and be kind, but not foolish.

Do the right thing and send food, flowers and visit him, but don’t put your heart in the path of a man who isn’t looking out for you — whether he’s sick, healthy or a martian for that matter! 😆

I hope that helps, and that you’ll join me on Facebook at this link:[url][/url]. 🙂

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