[Shubham]

Hi April / all,

I’m 28M, she’s 29F. We reconnected after years of very little contact. This time she initiated: she messaged me, asked for my number, responded to my stories, remembered small details about me, and we had long conversations with clear chemistry. There was definitely mutual attraction.

She’s shared that she has bipolar and panic disorder and that she went through a brief but intense emotional situation with another man who hurt her and wasn’t honest.

Her pattern with me:
– She’s very warm, invested, and expressive at times
– Then disappears or responds minimally at other times

She recently came back to my city. I asked if she’d like to meet when settled. She said yes, but to give her a week because of hostel problems and a chaotic living situation (including rats). Since that, she’s been more distant again.

Another woman (26F) is actively and consistently interested in me, but I don’t feel the same attraction. I’ve been single for 6 years and am looking for something serious, not casual or one-sided.

From your “no nonsense” perspective:
– Is this woman showing signs of real potential but bad timing, or is she keeping me as a backup while she stays in her comfort zone?
– Am I better off stepping back completely, or matching her energy and letting her do the next move?
– Where is the line between being patient and wasting my time?

Thanks in advance,

[Ask April Masini]

Nothing you said shows there’s a REAL potential here.

That doesn’t mean the door is slammed shut, but let’s be honest about what you’re dealing with.

She’s probably still tangled up with that abusive ex and you’re the guy she leans on when her life gets chaotic.

You don’t have to step back. Keep checking in on her if you want. Plan meetups. Show your interest. Be supportive when she needs to talk about her past relationship stuff.

But …… and this is important….. do not put your entire life on hold while she decides whether she wants to date you or not.

Keep playing the field until you two are official and have talked about being exclusive.

Wasting your time isn’t staying in touch with her. Wasting your time is cutting off other women, sitting around thinking you already have something real with this one when you don’t. Not yet, anyway.

That doesn’t mean you should date someone you have no interest in.

[Lune David]

Honestly, this situation sounds like a mix of real chemistry and real inconsistency — and that’s exactly what makes it confusing. She clearly likes you enough to initiate, stay connected, and open up about her mental health and past hurt. But the disappearing act… that part feels like emotional whiplash.

When someone shows warmth one minute and distance the next, it usually means they’re interested — but not stable enough to offer anything consistent right now. And you deserve consistency, not crumbs.

I totally agree with April on one thing: keeping your life moving is key. It’s okay to care about her, check in, or stay open to possibilities. But you shouldn’t freeze your whole dating life waiting for someone who’s still sorting their own chaos.

April, I’d really love your expert take here too — do you think this is just bad timing, or is he more of an emotional “safe place” rather than a real romantic option for her? And does matching her energy help, or should he step back more firmly?

Just trying to make sure he’s seeing the situation clearly without wasting his time.

[Serena Vale]

There is chemistry between you two , that part is real. But her inconsistency isn’t about you. It’s her life, her mental health, and her emotional limits. Warm one day, gone the next… that’s someone who likes you but can’t actually show up.

Is she keeping you as a backup? Not intentionally. But the result is the same: you’re on the “maybe” shelf while she deals with her chaos.

If someone genuinely wants you, even in a messy season, they give you some steady effort. She’s not doing that.

So keep it simple:

Match her energy.
Don’t chase.
Let her be the one to show you she’s capable of something real.

And if she can’t? Then it’s not timing — it’s capacity. And you’re better off stepping back before you lose more time.

[Author]

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