[Shubham]

Hi April / all,

I’m 28M, she’s 29F. We reconnected after years of very little contact. This time she initiated: she messaged me, asked for my number, responded to my stories, remembered small details about me, and we had long conversations with clear chemistry. There was definitely mutual attraction.

She’s shared that she has bipolar and panic disorder and that she went through a brief but intense emotional situation with another man who hurt her and wasn’t honest.

Her pattern with me:
– She’s very warm, invested, and expressive at times
– Then disappears or responds minimally at other times

She recently came back to my city. I asked if she’d like to meet when settled. She said yes, but to give her a week because of hostel problems and a chaotic living situation (including rats). Since that, she’s been more distant again.

Another woman (26F) is actively and consistently interested in me, but I don’t feel the same attraction. I’ve been single for 6 years and am looking for something serious, not casual or one-sided.

From your “no nonsense” perspective:
– Is this woman showing signs of real potential but bad timing, or is she keeping me as a backup while she stays in her comfort zone?
– Am I better off stepping back completely, or matching her energy and letting her do the next move?
– Where is the line between being patient and wasting my time?

Thanks in advance,

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Hi Shubham!

You know something? I completely missed the third and fourth paragraph that you sent me. I don’t know how I did but I did. Now, when I have the paragraphs, my entire perspective changes, and I have to ask you a couple of questions. Here they are:

You say she runs hot and cold. How many actual dates have you asked this woman on? You know, have you asked her on 5? Have you asked her on zero?

I mean, call her up, and say are you available on Wednesday, to go to dinner, or to fly kites, or to go to the circus. How many actual dates have you asked this woman on?

And the second thing is, did you offer to help her unpack or did you offer to help her get settled, have you said anything at all like that?

And the third thing is, how do you feel about her being bi-polar.

So, three questions, please tell me the answers.

[Lune David]

Honestly, this situation sounds like a mix of real chemistry and real inconsistency — and that’s exactly what makes it confusing. She clearly likes you enough to initiate, stay connected, and open up about her mental health and past hurt. But the disappearing act… that part feels like emotional whiplash.

When someone shows warmth one minute and distance the next, it usually means they’re interested — but not stable enough to offer anything consistent right now. And you deserve consistency, not crumbs.

I totally agree with April on one thing: keeping your life moving is key. It’s okay to care about her, check in, or stay open to possibilities. But you shouldn’t freeze your whole dating life waiting for someone who’s still sorting their own chaos.

April, I’d really love your expert take here too — do you think this is just bad timing, or is he more of an emotional “safe place” rather than a real romantic option for her? And does matching her energy help, or should he step back more firmly?

Just trying to make sure he’s seeing the situation clearly without wasting his time.

[Serena Vale]

There is chemistry between you two , that part is real. But her inconsistency isn’t about you. It’s her life, her mental health, and her emotional limits. Warm one day, gone the next… that’s someone who likes you but can’t actually show up.

Is she keeping you as a backup? Not intentionally. But the result is the same: you’re on the “maybe” shelf while she deals with her chaos.

If someone genuinely wants you, even in a messy season, they give you some steady effort. She’s not doing that.

So keep it simple:

Match her energy.
Don’t chase.
Let her be the one to show you she’s capable of something real.

And if she can’t? Then it’s not timing — it’s capacity. And you’re better off stepping back before you lose more time.

[Member]

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