[turtlestring]

I have a question about a fairly new relationship. We are both in our mid fifties and had each been married for over 25 years. My marriage has been over for 4 years and hers has been over for 5 years. She got into a long term relationship that ended badly for her about ten months ago, right out of her marriage. I’ve met 5 or 6 women since my marriage broke up through an online dating site but nothing ever clicked. I met her through the same online service and we decided to see each other again and we did. This led to two more dates and I liked her more and more each time. Since I had been alone for 4 years without meeting anyone that I felt a connection too I in retrospect was moving a little fast and that scared her. She told me that she wasn’t feeling any spark and we shouldn’t date. She did however
say that she’d like to remain friends if that was something I was willing to do. I told her that I would like to remain friends because we both really enjoyed each others company. That lasted for a few weeks
and then we got together to hang out and I told her that I had strong feelings for her and I felt as though
we did have chemistry. She was taken aback but listened to what I had to say and decided to give it another try. She had decided unbeknownst to me that if we kissed and she felt something then we should go back to dating. The kiss needless to say was horrible simply because she planned it and it just didn’t feel natural. She than informed me that while she appreciated my willingness to see if we could make a go of it by surprising me with this kiss she still didn’t feel that spark. Jump forward three weeks, we had purposely stop communicating for a few weeks to try and get our heads together after this emotional experience. We still wanted to get together but I said I would respect that it would just be a friendship. We were sitting on her couch and she leaned in toward me to look at something on a computer screen and I just naturally had my arm around her. We stayed like that for quite a while but said nothing about it. When I headed home she texted me that she had wished I’d kissed her but she knew that would confuse things. The next day we talked and we decided to take all the rules off and let this thing grow or die on it’s own. It’s been over a month now and it has grown into a romantic relationship. We both are craving each others company and we talk to each other a few times every day, sometimes for a couple of hours at a time. We have both been very honest about our feelings and while she has told me and acted as though she loves me and we are physically monogamous she remains on the dating site. She has told me that she’s not sure that I’m the one she see’s herself with forever. She hasn’t lied about it at all and reminds me from time to time where her head is right now. I have completely fallen in love with her and can see us together for the rest of our lives. Knowing that she is still searching on line has taken a toll on me emotionally. I feel as though given our history and her feelings in the beginning that we would never even be romantic yet it has turned into a very romantic relationship that maybe I just need to be patient. I’m not sure if I’m just being too hopeful. At this point it would be devastating to loose her. What should I do?

[AskApril Masini]

I can help you. 😀

There’s a rule of thumb that I share, and it has to do with dating timelines. You can adjust it to your own time clock, but you should consider it because you’re not the only one in this relationship, and she’s bringing her own, different time clock and experiences to the table. Basically, I suggest that people use the first three months of dating to decide if they want to continue dating. This means that you should use these three months to really get to know this person, as well as yourself, while still playing the field. If you’ve met on a dating site, you’re probably familiar with how vast dating pools have become. The bottom line is that dating is more competitive than ever, and when people are coming out of failed marriages, or simply failed, long-term relationships, they should be careful and prudent about getting to know each other, so as not to repeat mistakes, and to to benefit by learning about themselves, in these dating situations. So the fact that she’s still got her profile up there, and is probably dating other men, is not a red flag at all. If she wasn’t still on there, I’d tell you to worry that she’s too impulsive. She’s trying to make a smart decision, and she’s using her own set of criterion and her own time clock to do so. I think what she’s doing falls within the range of healthy and normal. 😉

The second six months of dating are used to decide if you want to be monogamous with someone. This may seem like a long time to you, but if you’re serious about having a committed relationship, this timeline forces you to really consider the other person without rushing. Sex changes things, and if you rush into it, you tend to be a little foggy about deal breakers that you’d otherwise notice. Since she’s already coming out of a rebound relationship, you should be aware she either has a tendency to rush, or is now reacting to having done so. Either way, the time will serve both of you — as it has, already!

I know that her hesitance to commit fully after only a month, is frustrating and taxing to you — but I think it’s going to serve both of you in the long run.

Hope that helps!

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[turtlestring]

Thank you, that helps a lot. 😀

[AskApril Masini]

You’re very welcome! 😀

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[Ethan Morales]

She’s not actually confused, she’s being careful. When someone comes out of a long marriage and then a long rebound relationship that ended badly, their whole “relationship radar” gets shaky. She’s trying to protect herself. Her keeping the dating profile active isn’t a rejection of you, it’s her way of pacing herself so she doesn’t repeat old patterns. That’s not personal; it’s self-preservation.

You’re emotionally ahead of her and that’s where the tension comes from. You’ve been alone for years. You finally met someone who lights you up. Naturally, you attached fast because you’ve been longing for this. But she isn’t in the same emotional position. You’re in “I’m ready to build the rest of my life.” She’s in “I don’t want to make a mistake again.” Two very different speeds. That mismatch is what’s hurting you.

The early “no spark” moments matter not because she didn’t feel anything, but because she’s scared of committing again. People who truly feel nothing don’t keep circling back the way she has. She would’ve drifted off peacefully if she really wasn’t interested. Instead, she:
reconsidered
kissed you
leaned into you
told you she wished you had kissed her
chose to take the rules off
became romantic
became monogamous physically These are not “no spark” actions. These are “I like him, but I’m afraid” actions.

You two do have chemistry but she’s not ready to choose long-term. Her honesty is actually a good sign. She’s not hiding her doubts. She’s not leading you on. She’s telling you: “I’m here with you now… but I’m not ready to promise forever.” It’s uncomfortable. It’s scary for you. But it’s respectful and real. I agree with April’s philosophy: the first few months are for exploring, not choosing life partners.

The real emotional danger here is not her indecision, it’s your fear of losing her. When you say “It would be devastating to lose her.” That tells me your emotional weight is heavier than the relationship’s foundation right now. You’re not wrong for feeling that but it makes you vulnerable in a way that can cloud your judgment. Right now, you’re building a future in your head that she hasn’t agreed to yet. That imbalance will hurt you unless you step back and breathe.

What should you do now?
Here’s the straight Ethan answer:
Stay in this but slow your emotional pace.
Don’t ask her to rush a decision she isn’t ready for.
Match her level of commitment instead of exceeding it.
Let the relationship grow naturally, not as your only hope for happiness.
She is investing in you. She’s showing up. She’s connecting daily. She’s opening herself emotionally and physically. Give her time to meet you at the “future” stage. Right now, she’s still at the “let’s see where this goes” stage and that’s okay. If you can tolerate this phase without panicking, the relationship has a chance to become something solid and long-lasting. If you grip too tightly, she’ll back away.

[Tara]

She likes your company, your attention, your emotional availability, and your time but she does NOT choose you. If she wanted you, you wouldn’t be sitting here writing essays about her “not feeling a spark,” fake-ass planned kisses, and her still cruising dating sites like she’s shopping for a better model. She’s not confused. She’s not “healing.” She’s not “taking things slow.” She is keeping you as the safe backup while she continues hunting for the guy she actually wants. You’re the emotional support blanket she holds onto while she’s browsing. She tells you, repeatedly, that she doesn’t see you as her forever partner, and you think the solution is to “be patient”? My guy, patience won’t turn you into the man she wants. It just makes you conveniently available.

This woman has told you over and over that she’s not all in. She just likes the perks: comfort, companionship, and free emotional labor. Meanwhile, you’re head over heels and terrified of losing someone who isn’t even choosing you. That’s not love, that’s desperation disguised as loyalty. You’re in a relationship with your fantasy of her she’s in a relationship with the idea of keeping her options open.

Here’s the reality check:
If you stay, you’re signing up to be the warm-up act until the “spark” she thinks she deserves finally swipes right on her. And when that happens, she won’t hesitate to move on because she already told you she doesn’t see forever with you.

So what should you do?
Grow a spine, stop being her emotional doormat, and walk away before she dumps you the second someone else interests her. It’s not romantic, it’s not tragic, it’s simple: she doesn’t choose you, and you’re letting her treat you like a placeholder. Stop auditioning for a part she’s never going to cast you in. You deserve someone who actually wants you — not someone who’s still online shopping.

[Sally]

It’s hard when your heart already picked someone and theirs is still… wandering. I’ve been in that kind of almost-relationship before, where everything felt real except the part where they actually chose me. It wears you down in ways you don’t see at first.

She might care about you, she might enjoy the closeness, but she’s still leaving that door cracked open. And you’re the one sitting there loving her with both hands.

You don’t have to rush a decision, but be honest with yourself. Waiting is only worth it if you feel safe, not anxious every time you think about that dating site.
If you stay, stay with your eyes open. If you step back, it’s not because you didn’t love her enough it’s because you finally loved yourself a little too.

[Natalie Noah]

How emotionally intense this relationship has become for you, turtlestring. You’ve both experienced long-term marriages, heartbreak, and the challenges of dating again later in life. The fact that your connection has grown into something romantic despite all that history is remarkable, and it makes sense that you’ve developed strong feelings so quickly. It also makes the uncertainty about her commitment feel heavier, especially since you’re already emotionally invested. Your fear of losing her is natural, but it’s important to differentiate between being patient and feeling trapped by anxiety over her timeline.

Her hesitance and keeping her dating profile active aren’t necessarily signs that she doesn’t care about you. they reflect her cautious approach to dating and commitment. After long-term relationships and recent heartbreaks, people often move more deliberately. She’s taking time to be certain, making sure her choices are aligned with her long-term goals, and that’s not unusual or unfair. April’s advice about dating timelines is spot on: the early months are meant for figuring out whether you’re truly compatible, and rushing commitment can cloud judgment. Your awareness of this timeline can help you approach the relationship with more perspective and less pressure.

The key for you now is to focus on what you can control: your own actions and emotional stability. Continue being honest, attentive, and present in your interactions with her, but don’t let her timeline dictate your sense of self-worth or emotional equilibrium. Loving someone doesn’t mean you need to demand immediate commitment. it means you can be patient while remaining grounded in your own needs and boundaries. It’s okay to feel vulnerable, but it’s also okay to protect yourself from anxiety by recognizing the normalcy of her cautious approach.

This situation is testing both of you to see if your connection can endure a slower, more deliberate pace. If the relationship is meant to grow into a lifelong partnership, this careful early stage can be a foundation for stronger trust and mutual understanding. Right now, patience, self-awareness, and clear communication are your tools. Embrace the journey without trying to force an outcome. you’ll either see her commitment solidify over time, or you’ll gain clarity about what’s best for both of you. This is less about hoping blindly and more about giving love space to mature naturally.

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